Navigating widowhood is a painful and aching experience. I understand this firsthand, having walked this path myself. It’s been more than three decades since I received the phone call and received the news of my first husband’s passing, and the feeling is still palpable. My story and experiences will hopefully enlighten you with the answers you are seeking or will seek in your future. I pulled myself out from under the depths of despair and back into the world, and so can you. You can hear the complete story of my widowhood journey by listening to this podcast.

A New Lifestyle with Widowhood

For recent widows and those of you who have a difficult time moving into the now, I want to share with you the tools I used to emotionally pick up the pieces of my life. I also want to begin by informing you of a change in our culture.

The trend toward singlehood is on the rise. Singles are becoming one of the largest demographics. About 50% of American adults are either divorced, widowed, or never married. Women are living longer so there are more widows, and though the stigma of being alone has lessened, it hasn’t disappeared completely.

Nevertheless, before a widow can re-enter society, she likely encounters several bumps in the road. Aside from the emotional trauma of losing a spouse, she is suddenly thrust out of her comfort zone and forced to do things on her own.

In one split second in my 40’s, I was no longer Mrs. Michael A. Forman. I was a widow. My late husband, also in his 40’s, had suddenly passed away from an unexpected heart attack.

The day of Michael’s funeral is a blur. I don’t recall the Rabbi’s words. I do not remember how I arrived or left Michael’s funeral.

Similarly, I don’t know who put a lifesaving paperback book in my hand at the end of the service. The book became my savior as I began a new passage, a new journey back to life.

Tools To Rebuild Your Life

The little paperback lying on the table next to our bed the following morning was How to Survive the Loss of a Love. The book is filled with jewels of knowledge that led me from utter shock and darkness into light. I used the book’s words as tools to rebuild my life. It was no easy task.

It has been proven that you cannot heal emotionally from loss without going experiencing four stages of the mourning process. I went through each one and they boded me well in my ultimate recovery.

A year into widowhood, I was able to restart my life; however, it took me two years to concentrate again.

I am happily remarried, but the sudden loss of my husband was so paralyzing that I sometimes ponder the long-term effects of widowhood on me. There are long respites, but a loss such as this reappears at certain times.

The 4 Stages to Recover From the Loss of a Loved One

 1. Denial

During the denial phase, you may struggle to accept the reality of the loss, clinging to a sense of disbelief, and avoiding the emotional impact.

 2. Anger

Anger is a common response while mourning, manifesting as frustration, resentment, or even rage. Darlings, sometimes the anger is even directed towards oneself or the events surrounding the loss.

 3. Depression

The depression phase involves a deep sense of despair while grappling with the emotional weight of the loss.

 4. Acceptance

In the acceptance phase, there begins to be a sense of peace and understanding, and an acknowledgement of the reality of the loss. This phase allows healing and the possibility of moving forward.

To do a deep dive into these phases, I recommend you purchase How to Survive the Loss of a Love on Amazon. I had the first edition that sold over two million copies. Therefore, I suggest you purchase the first edition, even if it is a secondhand copy because it is far more compact and literal.

The book explains that you cannot survive the emotional loss of a spouse or loved one unless you experience these four steps. The main theme throughout the book is to let yourself experience and mourn your loss.

How I Used The Tools My Way

Spending Time Alone

Living in the beautiful city of Honolulu, I walked four miles each morning and four miles at sunset with my pooch at that time. I thought about my life with Michael. And, I did not hold back my emotions. Crying and sobbing, I grieved alone.

Getting Physical in Widowhood

This was very important in my healing process. I walked to rid myself of stress, to stay fit, and to stay healthy. Now you are alone with plenty of time to take care of your body and mind. Choose what is appropriate and discipline yourself to stick with your program.

Your Home Is Your Castle

I was numb from my sudden loss and could not concentrate. Therefore, I was unable to read or watch television.

But I could find solace and joy in my environment. So I moved out of our home of love and deep family memories into a charming, temporary apartment with palm trees visible from my fourth-floor balcony. I lived near the ocean so I could take in the salty air and listen to the sounds of the ever-changing sea.

I bought orchids and placed family mementos everywhere. Often spending time alone on my balcony. I gazed below at the koi swimming peacefully in the pond.

Moving from a large home to my enchanted apartment was healing. If you have to move or decide to move, do so with care.

Listening To Your Heart

Widows should have confidence in the inner you. I had faith in my instincts and you can too. No one can get in your head. My instincts told me to spend a year alone and mourn. Respect your comfort level; eventually, you will uncover abundant optimism and hope to reenter the world.

Soul Searching

Darling, I was afraid. Worried about my daughters facing life without a father, holidays and huge life events that would be missed, I knew I was now both mom and dad!

Should I stay in Honolulu or should I move to Chicago to be closer to my family? Questions and more questions whirled through my mind. You will be met with worries. Don’t leap into your decisions–no fast moves for a year.

After several months of indecision and a lot of soul searching, I began to live into my answers. I then made realistic decisions. As this process took one year of my life, please don’t rush your healing process.

One Year to Complete the Four Steps of Mourning

I took a full year of widowhood to go through the four steps of mourning, the last of which is acceptance.

On the one-year anniversary of Michael’s death, in his memory, we held a service at our synagogue. I stood between my daughters during the Rabbi’s final prayer, and I recall the three of us held hands. As I listened to the Rabbi, a year of tears surged down my face.

These tears would not stop. I had no control over them. My face was drenched. At the end of the service, I knew I had accepted the loss of a love.

It was time to move into the present.

Proactive Outreach

For you darlings who are recently widowed or those having a hard time months or years later, I will leave you with this short story.

I have an established relationship with a friend of mine, a widow in Rancho Mirage, California. She has no idea I have been observing her experiences in widowhood. She was married for 60 years.

I watched her from afar as she found her place in the single world. Even with her career, she realized she had to slightly shift her lifestyle.

It has been multiple years and I still marvel at her. She learned to play cards and she made dates with the women. Proactively reaching out to other widows, she decided she wanted to have a full life so she extended herself and opened the doors to new opportunities.

When I see her, I think to myself, she is such a role model for widows. She could be the poster widow. That is why I am sharing her story. After you go through the four steps, and you must for your own good, march to her drummer, darlings.

If you are seeking a space to lean on other women and experience solidarity in your widowhood experience, I recommend joining my private Facebook group, Sisters in Widowhood.

 

What tools have you used to handle loss and grief? Share your wisdom in the comments!

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