The topic of widowhood often comes up in my private Facebook group, Celebrate Life, especially around the holidays. Many women after 50 have suffered the devastating loss of a spouse. I am certain there will be discussions on how to deal with widowhood during the Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Hanukkah holidays. (If you are interested in joining this subgroup, join my FB group, Celebrate Life.)

There was a call out on Celebrate Life to form a sub-group for widows. Under the astute leadership of one of our members, the women in the group have found comfort in sharing their grief and knowledge. As I stress, “Women need women.”

Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Hanukkah are around the corner, the hardest time of the year for a widow – especially a widow in her first year of mourning. The holiday season can intensify the emotional challenges and make this period feel even more overwhelming. It is natural to grieve during the holidays, as memories and traditions can bring up waves of loss. Widows often experience a wide range of feelings, from sadness and loneliness to moments of hope and comfort, as they navigate this difficult time.

I know, I was a widow.

I do have some ideas to share with you about the holidays but first, let’s discuss widowhood.

A New Lifestyle with Widowhood

For a woman over 50 who finds herself alone and adjusting to a new and unwanted lifestyle, the experience is traumatic and it takes time to transition from coupledom to singlehood. The pain of emotional suffering can be overwhelming during this period.

For recent widows, and those of you who have a difficult time moving into the now, I want to share with you the tools I used to emotionally pick up the pieces of my life. Coping with this new reality requires patience, self-compassion, and practical strategies to manage daily challenges.

I want to begin by informing you of the change in our culture.

The trend toward singlehood is on the rise. Singles are becoming one of the largest demographics. About 50% of American adults are either divorced, widowed, or never married. Women are living longer, so there are more widows, and though the stigma of being alone has lessened – it hasn’t disappeared.

Nevertheless, before a widow can reenter society, she will encounter several bumps in the road. Aside from the emotional trauma of losing a spouse, she is suddenly thrust out of her comfort zone and forced to do things independently. It is important to decide how to approach these changes and make choices that support your well-being during this transition.

How To Survive Widowhood

In one split second in my 40’s, I was no longer Mrs. Michael A. Forman. I was a widow. My late husband, also in his 40’s, passed away suddenly from an unexpected heart attack. It all happened so quickly, leaving me in shock and disbelief.

The day of Michael’s funeral is a blur. I don’t recall the Rabbi’s words. I do not remember how I arrived at or left Michael’s funeral. I remember allowing myself to cry, letting the tears flow as a natural response to the overwhelming loss.

Similarly, I don’t know who put a lifesaving paperback book in my hand at the end of his service. The book became my savior as I began a new passage, a new journey back to life. Grieving did not end with the funeral; it became an ongoing process as I learned to cope with my loss.

Tools To Rebuild Your Life

The little paperback lying on the table next to our bed the following morning was How to Survive the Loss of a Love. The book is filled with jewels of knowledge that led me from utter shock and darkness into light. I used the book’s teachings as tools to rebuild my life. It was no easy task. There are several new books, but I cannot imagine any better than the one handed to me. Buy only the first edition even if it is used! This book, along with other great resources, can provide widows with helpful support and actionable methods to cope with grief.

It has been proven that you cannot heal emotionally from loss without mourning. I know this to be a fact. I followed the book’s teachings, experiencing each of the four stages over the course of a year. On the year anniversary of Michael’s death, I took my girls to our Synagogue. As the Rabbi spoke, a year of tears surged down my cheeks that literally drenched my face. I could not stop them during the entire service.

The feeling of loss did not end even when I restarted my life. It took two years to fully concentrate again. The sudden loss of my husband was so paralyzing that I sometimes ponder its long-term effects on me. Remember, both you and your loved ones may need time and support to heal. Here are some tips to help you navigate this difficult journey.

The 4 Stages to Recover From the Loss of a Loved One

You cannot survive the emotional loss of a spouse or loved one unless you experience these four steps. It is normal to have strong emotional reactions during this process, and you should not judge yourself for them. The journey can feel impossible at times, especially when daily routines or traditions become overwhelming. The emotional experience can be deeply painful, but you must not hold back. You must mourn your loss.

 1. Denial

 2. Anger

 3. Depression

 4. Acceptance

The Tools I Used

Spending Time Alone

Living in the beautiful city of Honolulu, I walked four miles each morning and four miles at sunset with my pooch. I thought about my life with Michael. And I did not hold back my emotions. Crying and sobbing, I grieved alone. Allowing myself a good cry during these moments brought a sense of emotional relief and helped me process my grief.

Getting Physical in Widowhood

The exercise was very important in my healing process. I walked to rid myself of stress, stay fit, and stay healthy. You have time to nurture your body and mind.

Your Home Is Your Castle

I was numb from the sudden loss of Michael. As I mentioned I could not concentrate; I was unable to read or watch television. The house, once filled with warmth and comfort, now felt different without him.

I decided to move from our family home of love and memories into a charming, small temporary apartment with palm tree leaves almost touching my lanai. I lived near the ocean so I could take in the salty air and listen to the sounds of the ever-changing sea. The decorations I once cherished, especially during the holidays, now carried a deep emotional significance and often reminded me of our shared moments.

I bought orchids and placed family mementos everywhere, each one holding a special memory that brought both comfort and sorrow. Often spending time alone on my balcony, I gazed below at the koi pond watching the koi fish swimming peacefully.

Moving from a large home to my enchanted apartment was my safety net and the ideal setting for healing. Moving is not for every widow, but it was what the doctor ordered for me. I felt safe, protected, and secure in my small apartment by the Sea. Lighting a candle became a gentle ritual for remembrance, helping me honor Michael’s memory in my new space.

Listening To Your Heart

Widows, have confidence in the inner you. Listen to your heart rather than to the suggestion of others. Have faith in your instincts. I did what felt right to me. Choose what feels good and brings you comfort during this time. No one can get in your head.

Though I was not a woman over 50, my instincts told me to spend a year alone. I mourned 365 days of that year. Respect your comfort level; eventually, you will regain optimism and hope and reenter the world. During this period, there is a sense of emotional change, where feelings of loss, hope, and connection are especially strong.

A Widow’s Story

Once a month I went to my hairdresser. I would sit in his chair, and he would ask, “How are you feeling today.” I would answer, “ I am so sad.” For six months that was our total conversation.

In the seventh month, he asked the same question, and I replied. “ I am beginning to feel better.” That moment marked a significant turning point in my journey through grief.

Soul Searching

Darling, I was afraid. I was now mom and dad. I was worried about my daughters facing their lives without a father. As a woman over 50, you will have different questions facing you.

It was during the eighth month, I began to ask myself these questions. Should I stay in Honolulu or move to Chicago to be closer to my family? You will face your worries. Don’t leap into decisions – no fast moves for a year.

After several months of indecision and a lot of soul-searching, I began to live into my answers. I was able to think clearly and began to make realistic choices. Please don’t rush your healing process. Remind yourself of your purpose and the hope that still exists, even in the midst of grief. Remember, each person’s journey through loss is unique, and only you can truly know what you need.

It took me a full year to complete the four steps of mourning. Listening to the Rabbi’s sermon at Michael’s memorial service one word went through my mind…acceptance. I walked outside holding hands with my two daughters and knew it was time to move into the present.

For you darlings who are recently widowed or those having a hard time months or years later, I will leave you with this short story. As January arrives, it can mark a new beginning and a shift toward healing after the holidays.

Proactive Outreach

I recall that several years ago when I was 50, I observed one of my older friends going through widowhood. She had been married for 60 years. During this time, she found strength in her community, connecting with others who understood her grief and could offer support.

I admired her greatly and watched her from afar as she found her place in the single world. Even with a booming career, she realized she had to slightly shift her lifestyle. There are many folks who, like her, face similar challenges during the holidays and benefit from reaching out to others.

She moved outside her box of comfort and learned to play cards and even took up golf! She took it upon herself to make dates with other single women. She decided she wanted to have a full life and extended herself, opening the doors to new opportunities. It is difficult to start a new life after 50 but you can when you become proactive. Hearing stories from others who have walked this path can be both comforting and inspiring.

How To Handle Your Holidays

In the second year of widowhood, you will probably ask yourself, “Where did everybody go?”. Offers of walks and dinner dates dry up, and friends have stopped checking in on your well-being. Many of you will ask yourself, “Is this all there is to my ‘new’ life? Loneliness?”. As the holidays approach, you may notice emotional adjustments are needed to cope with the season.

I know it is hard to reach out and tell someone you are alone, especially over the holidays. Holiday tradition can feel overwhelming, and you may find yourself questioning which traditions to keep or let go. Traditions hold deep significance, providing comfort and continuity, but they can also be painful reminders of loss. Old traditions may influence your feelings, making it difficult to decide whether to maintain or change them. Sometimes, it is necessary to break from the usual customs and create new ones that better fit your current needs. You might choose to skip certain activities or gatherings that feel too difficult this year. Consider reframing the holiday as a celebration of resilience and new beginnings. The first Christmas after loss is especially significant, often requiring new approaches to cope with grief. If you have children, involve them in decisions about holiday plans and let them help shape new traditions. Families can come together to support one another, finding ways to honor both the past and the present. For those grieving their husbands, finding meaningful ways to remember and honor their memory can be central to the season. Don’t miss opportunities for connection and support, as these moments can be deeply healing. Sending cards to others who are grieving is a thoughtful way to offer comfort and show you care. You may not be a big fan of certain holiday activities, and that’s okay—acknowledge your preferences and set boundaries. Sometimes, last minute changes or spontaneous decisions, like accepting an unexpected invitation, can bring unexpected joy. Consider alternative activities, such as taking your children on a ski trip, to create new memories. Above all, find ways to honor your loved ones and yourself during this time.

It is a wonderful trait to be able to show your vulnerability to a married or single friend who is fortunate to have her family with her for Thanksgiving.  It is actually powerful to say, “I’m lonely. May I spend Thanksgiving with you and your family?”.

Give Back

Have you considered volunteering over Thanksgiving? There are so many people who are lonely. You will not be lonely if you volunteer. You will feel joy in giving back! There are several organizations that need your help.

Travel!

Have you considered traveling over the Thanksgiving holiday? This would be a perfect opportunity to join a tour of single travelers. The new experience will ward off loneliness and who knows who you may meet and what you will learn.

Online Dating

Have you considered online dating? Thanksgiving and Christmas are perfect times to reach out and brave the world of widowhood. Your goal is to become less lonely and more visible. I know it takes courage.  So why not make a plan to give yourself a Thanksgiving and Christmas gift? Online dating lets you see what is out there! No one wants to be alone for the rest of their lives. People need people. Of course, you may prefer and be happier alone. I am just putting this option out there. It is not the right time until you know what you want.

If you are a new widow I don’t suggest you rush into dating. You are too vulnerable and wounded. You have to process your loss before you are able to concentrate on a new relationship. And you have to ask yourself if you want to date someone.

If you are experiencing severe social anxiety or loneliness preventing you from connecting with others, Thanksgiving is the perfect time to pick up your phone and make an appointment with a positive psychologist.

Why Thanksgiving? Because this holiday is the time to share with others and if you cannot, you may be giving yourself the message that you need help.