My mother and grandmothers are etched into my soul and heart. Oh, how I wish they were still here so I could look into their eyes and whisper once more, “You are my heart”, as I navigate family estrangement My daily life still beats to the rhythm of their teachings. Often, as I drift into sleep, my mind wanders through memories and there they are, those beautiful, wise women, smiling at me. I am deeply grateful for the values they instilled: kindness, loyalty, dignity, and an unwavering sense of family.

Family always came first and because of their love, I grew into a woman with self-worth and confidence. When I became a mother, I showered my daughters with the same deep, abiding love. I saved every card, every letter, every handmade gift, proof of the adoration we once shared.

Life is full of passages and not all are joyful. I have been estranged from one daughter for eight years, and the other for three. They have drawn my grandchildren into their orbit, making them innocent bystanders in this heartbreaking chapter of our lives. It is a cruel and unnecessary break and one that has cast a long shadow over my otherwise lovely life.

There has not been a single day that I have not felt the ache. Feeling constantly rejected by my own children has deeply affected my self-worth and sense of security, making the process of healing from family estrangement even more challenging. Like any mother, I can admit there are chapters in my parenting I would edit. But never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I’d become an estranged mother and grandmother. Yet, here I am. Those old letters and gifts tucked away in my memory drawer still whisper to me: “You are loved. You are a good mother.”

Introduction to Family Estrangement

Family estrangement is a deeply personal and often misunderstood experience that touches countless lives. At its core, estrangement is the process of becoming emotionally or physically distant from a family member, sometimes gradually and sometimes in the wake of a single painful event. Whether it’s the result of unresolved conflicts, unmet expectations, or the accumulation of painful memories, the journey through estrangement is rarely straightforward. In fact, research shows that approximately 27% of adults in the United States are estranged from a family member, underscoring just how common this process is. The impact of family estrangement can be profound, affecting mental health, emotional safety, and overall well-being. For many, the sense of loss and confusion can be overwhelming, making it all the more important to understand that estrangement is not a personal failing, but a complex and widespread phenomenon. By acknowledging the realities of family estrangement, we can begin to create space for healing, compassion, and a renewed sense of self.

Helping Other Mothers and Grandmothers with Family Estrangement

To help myself heal and deal, I wrote an eBook and created a course to help other women going through family estrangement. I poured my story into its pages and discovered that I was far from alone. Estrangement is not a private shame, it is an epidemic. My private Facebook group, Estranged Mothers and Grandmothers, has grown to over 21,000 women. That staggering number reflects a staggering reality. So many mothers and grandmothers are struggling with the emotional and practical difficulties of family estrangement, facing complex feelings and challenges every day. So, I decided: if I can help myself, I will help you, too.

Let me be honest: healing is a journey without a final destination. I will never be fully healed, but I have learned how to live with the pain. There are days I feel deep grief, others when anger consumes me, and still others when confusion clouds everything. After countless hours of self-reflection, I see my truth clearly: I was cruelly and undeservedly mistreated. And yet, I stand in my power as a woman, as a mother, as a grandmother who gave unconditional love. I modeled kindness, taught them that anger solves nothing, and now, as adults, my daughters must take ownership of their actions.

So where does that leave me? It leaves me with a quiet but constant ache. But it also leaves me with something else: belief. Belief that I am still whole, that I am still worthy of love and joy. Writing my book gifted me this revelation: I am the mistress of my fate and I will survive, thrive and so will you.

Family estrangement is a complex and multifaceted issue that affects many individuals and families. It can be defined as the breakdown of a relationship between family members, typically between parents and their adult children. This breakdown can result in the ending of communication between the individuals, leading to feelings of isolation, guilt, and shame. Family estrangement can be caused by various factors, including unrealistic expectations, unmet needs, and unresolved conflicts. It’s essential to understand that family estrangement is not a personal failure, but rather a common experience that many people face.

There are a variety of reasons why adult children become estranged. Unfortunately, this phenomenon is rampant. Recently, The New York Times estimated that there were over 67 million estranged parents. The list is growing. In these situations, everyone is a loser. If you are one of the millions of mothers affected by estrangement, I invite you to join my private Facebook Group: Estranged Mothers and Grandmothers: Millions Strong.

Reasons for the Familial Estrangement

The reasons for estrangement are as diverse as the people experiencing it!

It could be attributed to the adult child’s expectations of his or her mother’s role, or the lack of communication between adult child and parent, often stemming from underlying family conflict. Blame shifting—where individuals avoid personal accountability by placing responsibility on others—can also contribute to misunderstandings and hinder genuine reconciliation within families. Maybe we can blame the unfortunate family unit breakdown in society. The estrangement could be connected to the dysfunction in the family because of divorce, remarriage, or the death of a parent, jealousy, money, in-laws, mental health problems, his or her husband, and the list goes on.

The Decision to Go No Contact

The decision to go no contact with a family member is a deeply personal and often difficult choice. For some, cutting ties is an intentional act to sever relationships with family members in order to protect their mental health and pursue personal growth. It may be necessary for individuals who have experienced emotional or physical abuse, neglect, or toxic behavior from a family member. Going no contact can be a way to protect oneself from further harm and to prioritize one’s own mental health and well-being. However, it’s essential to consider the potential consequences of this decision, including feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation. It’s also important to seek support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals during this challenging time.

As a Witness

I am a good mother with estranged adult children. Over eight years ago, my daughter told me four words: “Mom, you wouldn’t understand.” But I would, and I feel she knows that.

Truth be told, and I am sitting on the witness stand: This daughter of mine lacks communication skills when put to the test. In my heart of hearts I know, she prefers me out of her life and out of the lives of my grandchildren. Her actions are her weapon and burden.

I know my daughter, and I don’t think she rests easily. She captained a ship of innocent family players. Her children and my grandchildren, who naturally show loyalty to their mother. This is very unfortunate for us all.

If my daughter had wisdom, she would show her vulnerability and end this onslaught and call me and say, “Mom, I want to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk.” She knows I would open my arms and welcome the discussion. Unfortunately, she has chosen to live with her pain and create pain for her mother and the grandmother of her children.

As the witness on the stand, my mind is filled with unpleasant emotions: shock, sadness, loneliness, anger, and enragement towards myself for not putting a stop to her foolhardy mission where nobody wins and everyone loses.

Like many good mothers, I do not know the actual reason(s) for the behavior. I can only surmise and take the steps to heal from estrangement.

Struck by Shock

When I became a rejected mother and grandmother, I was caught off balance. The feeling of rejection took my breath away, and I felt like an undercurrent in the sea pulled me under; I could not see my breath. When I came up for air, shock ran through me, and all I could say was, “Oh no.”

This is the beginning of the eighth year of our estrangement. My grandchildren and I have missed ‘our right’ to enjoy one another.

As the ultimate ‘see the glass half full woman that I am, this has been a unique period of pain and an opportunity for self-reflection. Shock does that.

For eight years, I have sought to understand where I went wrong in our relationship and how to move forward without a family. To replace shock with acceptance. As I sought to understand where I went wrong in our relationship, I also had to focus on moving forward without a family, replacing shock with acceptance.

Navigating estrangement is an ongoing process of coping with and understanding the challenges that come with family estrangement.

Effects on Everyday Life

Experiencing family estrangement can cast a long shadow over everyday life, touching everything from our emotional health to our connections with other family members. The vast majority of people who are estranged from a family member report intense feelings—sadness, anger, guilt, and sometimes even relief—all of which can be difficult to process. These emotions often surface most acutely during family gatherings or holidays, when the absence of an estranged family member is felt most keenly. Navigating these occasions can be challenging, as relationships with other family members may become strained or complicated. For some, the sense of isolation and disconnection can seep into daily routines, making it hard to find joy in moments that once felt special. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are a natural response to a difficult situation, and that support is available. By reaching out and sharing your experience, you can begin to find understanding and comfort, even in the midst of estrangement.

Lessons of Shock and Grief

Over time I have learned that all consciences are unequal, though I question why. A subtle distrust of others’ motives has affected my own behavior, causing me to become far more selective in my relationships. I have learned you have to mourn the loss of children who are still living before you can see the horizon. Most recently, I learned never to stay silent with my wants and desires and for what I believe in. Silence is not always golden.

I feel that I am worthy while having spent hours reflecting on my character, and I understand it is therapeutic to unburden feelings. Developing self awareness—recognizing my own emotions and behaviors—has been crucial in the process of healing from family estrangement. It is healthy to stew over family situations and even boil over! Most importantly, I know even with my flaws, my so-called crimes do not fit the punishment of estrangement.

I am proud that I raised my children with sound values, but I am sad that they are so confused that they cannot see the forest from the trees. Not only are hurting their mother, but they are also setting a terrible example for their children.

Mothers die, and children mourn.  My daughters have a mom, and they have buried me.

My Hand on the Bible

While writing my e-book, I placed my hand on the Bible and sat in the witness box. Good mothers, you will be able to do the same in the workbook in my e-book. As wise women, we know every situation has two sides: right or wrong; the estranged adult child leaves the nest for a reason. As wise women, we know that even well-meaning actions can inadvertently contribute to the complexity of estrangement. When we write our thoughts down, we help ourselves find the tools to reunite with our estranged child, siblings, friends, or other family members and recognize positive solutions so we can go on with our lives.

As good moms, I think we should aim for reconciliation. It is positive thinking. Once we are past the daunting anger phase and spend time self-reflecting, we should replace our anger with good thoughts, care for our minds and bodies, and live our lives to the fullest. Forgiveness is an important part of healing from family estrangement, as it allows us to release resentment and open the door to reconciliation, even if the process is gradual and nonlinear.

Yes, anger will come and go, but instead of sitting on the front burner of your mind, it is now on the back burner giving you space to examine your self-worth.

On the Witness Stand: Healing From an Estranged Adult Child

Looking back over time, beginning with the death of their father, I believe one daughter misses me and thus her anger, and the other daughter, though she loves me, is glad I am no longer a part of her large family, highlighting the complexities of familial estrangement. Estranged relationships can sometimes be healed through growth and change, but in some cases, they may remain distant due to ongoing harm or irreconcilable differences.

The death of their father and remarriage to my ultimate concierge was a significant loss for both, and the daughter who started the estrangement was also unnerved by my website, honeygood.com, and disapproved of my stories. I think the loss of two parents, though I am alive, and honeygood.com created the schism. One daughter missed me terribly even though she moved with her family out of state, and the other, who started the schism in my family said, “Mom, you wouldn’t understand.” A total cop-out as far as I am concerned. As I stated, she wanted me ‘out.’ Everyone lost, including her.

Rebuilding Trust with a Family Member

Rebuilding trust with a family member can be a long and challenging process. It requires effort and commitment from both parties involved. The first step towards rebuilding trust is to acknowledge the hurt and pain caused by the estrangement. This can involve taking responsibility for one’s own actions and apologizing for any harm caused. It’s also essential to establish clear boundaries and communicate openly and honestly with each other. Rebuilding trust requires patience, empathy, and understanding, and it may involve seeking the help of a therapist or counselor. Through improved communication and support during this process, the ultimate goal is to foster a healthier relationship.

Navigating Difficult Conversations

Navigating difficult conversations with family members can be a daunting task, especially when there is a history of conflict or estrangement. However, it’s essential to communicate openly and honestly with each other to resolve issues and rebuild relationships. This can involve active listening, empathy, assertiveness, and perspective taking—making an effort to understand different viewpoints can help foster reconciliation and emotional healing. It’s also important to set clear boundaries and prioritize one’s own needs and feelings. Seeking the help of a therapist or counselor can be beneficial in navigating these difficult conversations and rebuilding relationships.

Setting Boundaries and Priorities

One of the most empowering steps in navigating family estrangement is learning to set healthy boundaries. Boundaries are not about shutting people out, but about protecting your emotional safety and well-being. This might mean limiting contact with an estranged family member, communicating only through certain channels, or taking a break from interactions that feel harmful. Setting boundaries can also involve reaching out to other family members or friends who offer support and understanding, allowing you to create a circle of care around yourself. Prioritizing self-care and personal growth is essential—whether that means seeking therapy, engaging in activities that bring you joy, or simply giving yourself permission to heal at your own pace. Remember, it’s okay to put your own needs first. By setting boundaries and focusing on your well-being, you create the space needed for healing, self-reflection, and the possibility of building healthier relationships in the future.

My Errors: Own Behavior

1. I didn’t understand that a child is always a child, whether it is someone else’s or your own child, whether six years old or 60. Now I do.
2. I fell in love and remarried. Mourning for my late husband lasted a year and a day. I married a year later.
3. I put my ultimate concierge first and created a solid and loving marriage while simultaneously creating a schism with my daughters. They missed me. My husband was not like their father.
4. My Silence. I should have stopped the daughter who started the estrangement. I should have driven to her home and said, “Let’s talk and solve the situation.” Instead, I took the high road — I sent very loving gifts with notes to her home. For eight years, I kept my silence with the daughter who initiated the family estrangement. I thought it would go away.

When reflecting on these actions and decisions, it is important to acknowledge and trust your own feelings, as they can guide you toward understanding and healing from family estrangement.

Finding Resources and Support

If you are experiencing family estrangement, know that you are not alone—and that support is within reach. There are many resources available to help you navigate this challenging journey. Online communities and support groups offer a safe, non-judgmental space to share your story and connect with others who understand what you’re going through. Counseling services and mental health professionals can provide guidance and tools for coping with the emotional impact of estrangement. Books, articles, and podcasts on family estrangement can offer valuable insights and practical strategies for healing. Organizations such as Stand Alone and Together Estranged are dedicated to supporting individuals who are estranged from family members, providing online support groups and a wealth of resources. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. By reaching out and making use of these resources, you can find comfort, understanding, and hope as you move forward on your path to healing.

To The Jury

I take responsibility for my errors, and have paid dearly for them for 8 years.

Despite many attempts to call for meetings, my several requests have been turned down.

My daughters’ expectations of their mother do not fit my punishment.

I think their expectations need examination through verbal communication with their mom, while I continue to focus on my own life.

I rest my case.

The Verdict and Moving Forward

The future is not ours to see. Support groups can play a crucial role in providing the optimism, attitude, knowledge, experience, and loving heart needed to navigate the future. During times of estrangement, building a ‘chosen family’—authentic, supportive relationships outside of biological ties—can offer love, safety, and validation when you need it most. But everything is possible with optimism, attitude, knowledge, experience, and a loving heart (the recipe for my favorite emotional potion). That is how I live my life, and … I can confidently say that.

No one will ever rob me of my smile, love of life, love for others, and gratitude; I count my blessings daily. I am a fierce woman over fifty who says this with pride, a big smile, and naturally, wearing red lipstick and my favorite perfume, Baccarat 540!

Copy my attitude, good mothers!  Amen.

IF THERE IS SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE TRYING TO HEAL FROM ESTRANGEMENT, CONSIDER SENDING THEM THIS STORY!