Dear readers, I am frequently asked this question: “What do I do when my adult child will not speak to me?” Adult child estrangement is affecting millions of mothers worldwide. Good mothers like you and I. Mothers who love their adult children fiercely, who don’t know what they have done wrong, and would move mountains to have a healthy relationship with their adult child again.
You might be thinking, “Honey, you are wrong. I don’t know anyone who has been rejected by their adult children!” Consider this: the reason you’re unaware is because these mothers feel ashamed and embarrassed and therefore, they remain silent. If you are suffering because your adult child won’t speak to you, I ask you to stop feeling ashamed and to speak up. You are one of millions of other mothers who are silently struggling, lonely, and heartbroken.
The rise of adult child estrangement
An early morning, not long ago, I climbed out of our warm and comfy bed. After I made coffee, I jumped back into bed with my ultimate concierge, grabbed my laptop (as I always do) and clicked on my email.
I saw messages from a few of my early-riser girlfriends, my grandson Joe, and a new email from a website I had not heard of previously.
The first few words of this email captured my attention, so I clicked through to the website. The title of the first story was, “What To Do When Your Grown Up Kids Won’t Talk to You.” Directly under that story was another one talking about the same subject, “Why Some Grown Kids Cut Off Their Parents.”
I continued to read the first story which began like this, “In the painful days after my husband’s death, I crafted a eulogy that concluded with a thought from the ‘Book of Laughter and Forgetting,’ by Milan Kundera. The key sentence in the eulogy: Love is a constant interrogation.”
I immediately connected with the writer’s story about losing her husband. Because I, too, have lived through the tragedy of watching my children lose their father while facing my own widowhood. Read more about my experience here.
Blending families and adult child estrangement
My second husband, Shelly, is also a widower who has children who lost a mother.
In addition to losing a parent, our children have had to deal with the joy and conflict that comes with the blending of a family when their parents remarried. Blending a family can be tumultuous. Life changes for adult children the second time around. The older children move through the experience of trying to blend with another family, and yet, sadly, families are never completely ‘whole’ again after one parent dies.
Family relationships as a woman over 50 can be complicated!
Solidarity in adult child estrangement is comforting
It doesn’t fix the problem to know that you aren’t alone in adult child estrangement, but it does bring courage, hope, and solidarity. I continued to read this woman’s story, relating to the words I read and feeling seen.
I want sorrowful and good mothers living through the ordeal of being “cut off” by their adult children to know they are not alone. Good mothers should know there is an epidemic and they are one of many afflicted.
To me, deliberate loss of touch with a mother leaves me horrified. If only every adult child could understand what a gut-wrenching experience this is for their mother. I feel a child who does this has personal problems. Of course, if there is psychological, sexual or physical abuse from a parent, the adult child has the right to disengage.
When faced with rejection, a mother asks herself, “Did I fail? Didn’t I teach my children the importance of compassion, empathy, respect, values, and the art of communication? Why do some adult children cut off their mother? Why can other children with more serious struggles with their parents stay connected through thick and thin?”
Two schools of thought on adult child estrangement
This is my belief on the subject
I believe that no matter what happens, your mother is your mother. The Ten Commandments state to honor thy father and thy mother. As a daughter, I had many stormy days with my mom, but I would never think to cut her off completely. I would argue, but never take flight! And, right or wrong, I apologized. Period.
The other school of thought
After being baffled by the dynamics of my own adult child estrangement, I hunted down expert guidance on my situation. What I discovered from learned psychologists and psychiatrists is that adult children take flight because they feel a sense of relief, their expectations are too high or they lack the means to communicate.
Why? They lack the fortitude and skills necessary to address and resolve any problems or conflict with their mother; it is too much for them to handle.
I question if they really take flight. I don’t believe they can. They are left with the unresolved and have to be feeling anxious at times and stressed. They want to feel disconnected, but they never will be free of their mother.
What can a mother do when an adult child will not speak to her?
1. Stay Connected
Maintain a relationship with the other members of your family. Demonstrate to your grands and others that you will never “take flight.” Explain to them they can show loyalty to their mother and grandmother.
2. Seek Support
Talk to a therapist or join one of the many support groups that are available. Come join my private Facebook group: Estranged Mothers and Grandmothers: Millions Strong
3. Remain True to Yourself
Don’t let anger rule and don’t cut off your adult child. Continue to send birthday cards or a small sentimental gift. It’s important to stay in touch with your other children and your grandchildren. This will bring you comfort.
4. Don’t Air Your Dirty Laundry
Avoid alienating your grandchildren. Keep the details of your estrangement out of the conversations with your other children or grandchildren. Pitting family members against one another or expecting them to take sides will only cause heartache.
5. Be An Example
Hopefully, one day your adult child’s door will open and when it does, you must be the bigger person. Bite your tongue and listen with an open mind and heart. It may be very hard, but don’t get caught up in your feelings. Be empathetic to your adult child. Be an example.
6. Live a Full Life
Until reconciliation happens, you must live a full life. You did not leave your child. You are a good mother and a good woman.
Adult child estrangement can never sever the mother-child bond
In an article about adult child estrangement, Elizabeth Vagnoni, a mother estranged from her two adult sons, wrote: “76% of adult children say that being estranged has affected their well-being, even though it appears to have been their choice.”
I agree. An adult child cannot escape the mother-child bond.
That is why you should hang in there.
Adult child estrangement is such a complicated topic and no two experiences are the same. Each family is unique, and each adult child and mother has their own view of events leading up to a splintering.
But I want to leave you with a few thoughts:
1. If your child reaches out to you, establish a shared set of future boundaries.
2. If your child does not reach out to you, don’t close the door. Consider writing them a personal letter. “Let’s find common ground to resolve our conflicts. I love you and miss you. I need you. Let’s talk.” Do not expect a response. You opened the door and hopefully one day he or she will walk through it.
3. Lastly, do not demean yourself. Never feel ashamed. You are not the only one experiencing adult child estrangement. Many professional doctors say our generation of parents spared the rod and spoiled the child. They may be 100% correct.
If there is someone in your life experiencing adult child estrangement, consider sending them this story!
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Hi my name is Sandy my oldest son who was born on my 20th birthday ( same time , length and weight) I have another son who was born 18 months later his name is Drew, they are 40( 41 in February) and 39( 40 in August . My son and I have always been close, my story is a very long story. My Mother died March 8 , 2017 two months later my son Christopher stopped speaking to me, cut off most communication, he was living with his girlfriend who did not want him to be as close as we were ( I live in Cleveland Ohio and my two sons live in Texas , Chris and I pretty much talked every day until she came into picture, the first time I met her ( they were already living together) she told me that I would never have the relationship that they had, I told her I agreed because I was his Mother and she was his Girlfriend, she got furious and me and my husband had to leave and go stay with our Other son ( no descent hotel available on such short notice) who wife just had our first second grandson , which my son Chris girlfriend made it clear that don’t expect any grand children from them ( kids icky) again trying not to write a book , my oldest son was informed his Grandmother my mother was dying and I was coming home to Louisiana to say goodbye, his girlfriends 30 th Birthday was coming up and he had promised to take her skiing in Denver . The whole family was gathered to say goodbye to my beautiful mother ( she was kept on Breathing machine until the Family ( my two brothers and two sisters my nieces and nephews and my youngest son could be there . Christopher said he couldn’t leave Lisa in Denver to make it in time to say goodbye, so the Apple of my mom’s eyes had to say goodbye FaceTime, so my youngest son was my Rock holding me together through this difficult time, in the day my Mother died the girl was skiing and a guy slammed into her and broke her wrist ( she had to be rushed into surgery, so of course my son wasn’t going to leave her so he missed my mom’s Funeral, came a couple of days after she was buried ( I cleaned out my Momma’s apartment) he was very upset we went to Cemetery, the girl friend was angry he came to be with me, so that May me and my Husband ( Chris and Drew’s stepdad) who Drew adores , we stayed with Drew and his family, we invited Chris and Lisa to come eat ( boys always loved my cooking, we tried to spend equal amount of time with Drew and Chris so we met them the next day to take them to dinner, she let me know she didn’t want to talk about my mother and she kept whispering in my son’s ear . We were supposed to met them and before we left, when I texted Chris to make a time and place he said Lisa had already made plans , I was very upset and my feelings were very hurt, so that was the last time we spoke ( I tried calling, she would answer and hang up I wrote serval emails and letters ( he said I didn’t) they were married 3 years ago ( I was not invited) his horrible Ex Stepmother and drug addicted father were , my youngest son and rest of family and friends tried to talk to him , I have pretty much cried every day, he won’t get me a exclamation, we just got back from Texas visiting my youngest son and grandsons ( 35 minutes away from Chris) he said he was good with out seeing me , I feel horrible that my youngest son had to hear me crying at night, this is a hurt like no other , I’m not a toxic mom , yes I made a lot of mistakes, I Al ways told my boys how much I loved them I still do, I send messages to Chris how I loved him from his first breath ( best birthday present ever) and I will love him my last . 7years this May , I don’t know how to fix this . I had a sister 9 years older who molested and tried to drown me ( she has mental issues) did not speak to her for over 20 years ( she was the only one that lived near my Mom , she didn’t leave my mom’s side and held the phone up so I could let momma know I was on my way! My last words to my mom was I thank her for her forgiving heart ! So it is hard to grip that this child that came out of my body can’t forgive me . I loved my momma even though she knew what my sister had done and she would go into another room when my dad would beat me and my sister who was two years older than me and tried to protect me , my oldest sister was my dad’s pet . Again long story. Just looking for advice, I know in my heart I was a better mother than mine and would never think of hurting my mom like this .
As a mother and grandmother for 8 years of 2 estranged daughter, one the leader and the other the follower, I have learned that to survive you have to go through the mourning process of loss, even though they are alive. You are fortunate to have your other son and grandchildren. I have neither. Revel and be grateful for their love and count your blessing. Put your energy into love; not misery and accept what you cannot change. You are making yourself a victim. After seven years it is time to understand that your son and his wife are the victims. Not you. Warmly, Honey
Thanks
You are very welcome. Warmly, Honey
“Your mother is your mother?” That is a dangerous statement. When your children become adults, you need to treat them as equal. When there is inequality in a relationship that leads to abuse. Many mothers miss this point not realizing that they are denying the son or daughter from becoming a real person. Your motherly care is just sending the wrong message. that “I am your mother I always know what is best for you”. Not true. They are adults and they dont need your “wisdom” in order to survive.
I agree with every word you wrote, 100%. I remember when I was a young girl and into marriage my mom and I use to have words because as you mentioned many mothers miss the point.My mother is my role model in many areas but trust me…I am my own person and fought to be. I was not by any means a shrinking violet!! At the end of the day after our argument, even when I was right, I would pick up the phone and call my mother, many times wanting to bite my tongue. Why? Because my mother…is my mother. Warmly, Honey
My son said you have to move back to Vegas we need you your grandkids need you so after 7 years of living in az I moved back but things had changed my son wasn’t talking to his brother and family over sone irritated stuff and one day he took me to get a hutch and again my granddaughter doesn’t offer me the front seat which bothers me but I let it go and we ate driving and he states you know we don’t look alike and my ex his father he does neon work woth but says I don’t want dad to die on my watch ? I was feeling nausea and remembered I had a thc pen in my purse and went to take a drag not thinking about my granddaughter seeing it but he blew up I said I was sorry he could handled it different because she didn’t know with her headphones on and were driving back and he’s getting mean so I Said your not going to forgive me just drop me off Gere and I’ll get a neighbor to bring it in he Flys out of the truck gets it out throws it down hard and starts poking me hard in my chest this is messed up I’m crying I state this is wrong and your daughters disrespecting me your talking about my daughter like that no you don’t hurting me and says don’t want anything to do with yiu why cant yiu be normal I’m 67 and crushed it’s Been 6 months ge won’t call me pick up phone nothing we were always close I’m sick in side
I don’t know the answer. If you were happy in Arizona I would consider moving back. Warmly, Honey
Yes, it’s difficult ; especially since it’s my only child who was diagnosed with manic depression in his teens. ( He is 30 years of age now) I raised him as a single parent since he was 2 years of age. His father would pop up for a few weeks and then disappear for years. He only needed a place to stay between girlfriends, I wasn’t the perfect parent but I tried to encourage him to live a better life. Tried to become a role model by completing college in order for us to live in a better neighborhood. I even purchased a home which I was very proud of. But, he was never happy and blamed me for his decisions and behaviors- even on social media which I found to be immature and demeaning because so had a reputation to maintain within my colleagues. He knew this and was done maliciously. But still I reached out to him. I would provide him with money but later cut this off because I suspected it was used to maintain his girlfriend’s drug habits. This made me to be the bad person and he estranged himself one more time. It’s been a year now. For the most part I’m actually ok. I see a therapist and the fact that I stopped giving him money ( for reasons mentioned) has stopped the guilt I had . For some strange reason , this all returned the self confidence and pain I had because of all that happened. Him deciding to cut all ties is really a sign of immaturity on his end. He has three years of college but decided to quit school and live a life I did not want for him. It’s sad but I now understand it was his poor decision , not my fault. He will regret the decisions he has made for himself. I worked hard for him to have something better. It was thrown to the side. Again, it’s sad. I do agree that there will be moments , like holidays that you will miss your love one and wonder how they are doing, but you have to take care of you. Look for distractions during the holidays. Enjoy them with your other family members. Let them know it’s a delicate topic for you and will only bring pain , so be respectful and allow you to enjoy the moments with them. Because , they are family too. Another alternative would be to go out with friends etc. I’ve even prepared before any holiday by preparing a special meal for myself, bingeing on Netflix etc and staying away from videos related to the specific holiday celebrated. Believe me this works more than you may think. It’s taking care of yourself and not allowing negativity destroy your day or being. Estrangement is like a death. The problem is that it is a “ death” of a being who is still alive and disowning you. So ask yourself “ Will I allow this to destroy me or will I go on with my life.” Because, just like I told my son when he would speak angrily about his father “ I understand how you feel, but while you are angry and acting out- he is going on with his life. You are only hurting yourself. So, stop hating him and yourself and take care of you. “ Well, now my son and I are estranged and it’s time to use this philosophy for myself. Love yourself. If your love one comes back- celebrate. But do not destroy yourself with pain and guilt. Bottom line, you are the parent who loved and took care of your child. They should respect this.
You have realized the importance of accepting what you cannot change. You have learned that the situation is about your son’s actions and not yours. Most importantly, I noticed after all your pain you wrote, “If your loved one comes back, celebrate.” Yes, you have learned and I respect you for your wisdom. This problem is universal.And, I do agree,children should honor and respect their parents. Warmly, Honey
Our youngest son walked out of our lives two years ago and has blocked all communication from us. I was able to speak to him when I stopped by his home with baked goods. I told him how much that he was loved and missed asking him to come back into our life. He looked at me and asked” what have you learned from this separation?”. I suggested that we go to family counseling or speak with a pastor. He bulked at both. He is combative and argumentative toward me but not his father. He has been this way his entire adult life. His father is not well and I can’t help but think that he doesn’t want to be bothered with giving me a hand with his care. I have read books on child estrangement, listened to lectures and am praying without ceasing. I don’t know where to turn.
Unfortunately Holly, you are going to have to learn to accept what is not in your power to change.We cannot make our children do what they do not want to do. You have tried and tried and he has rebuked you. You can keep trying.You can talk to professionals who can help you put your life first and the problem secondary. You can look for a group who discusses parental abandonment. I know how you feel. Even on my good days my daughter continues to disrupt my life.You have no idea what she has put me through. I only scratched the surface in my story. I ask myself, “Why me?” I will never find justification in her behavior. I no longer consider her my daughter because her cruelty is unforgivable. In my wildest dreams I never dreamed this could exist. So, we share a grief. My suggestion again: concentrate on what gives you joy. This is now about your survival. Warmly, Honey
All situations are different. My daughter married a narcissistic man child knowing what he was and knowing we were less than thrilled. She is now divorced officially for 2 months. We sent her a letter asking her if she will ever speak to us again, no response as of yet. Invited her for the holidays aa well. Most children who cut off their parents are immature and selfish. I will not wait until I am on my death bed begging to see her. She decided to do this, I will not give in to her tantrum and stubbornness. Anger is what has made me strong and kept me from going down a dark path that I have been down before because of her. We have no one to mediate for us, my brother I thought was but ended up I found out he doesn’t care. My husband and I have been estranged from our daughter for 6 years. It was because of her husband she cut us off, we don’t know what the problem is now that he is gone.
Yes, all situations are different except one: Honor thy father and thy mother. Give her time, especially since it appears you had a nice relationship before her marriage.Two months is a short time to heal from a divorce; aside from the fact that deep down she is acknowledging her parents were right. Send her little notes. “Just want you to know I am thinking about you.” I love you. Mom. Maybe send a special sentimental I love you gift the following month. And, don’t mention you were right about her husband. She knows. If she does not come around, it is her problem not yours and accept what is and live your life to the fullest. Hope this helps. Warmly, Honey
I’m not sure if this comment will reach you because I’m technically challenged and after divorce and more than 10 years of estrangement from my 34 year old son, 32 year old daughter and 3 grandchildren, I’ve become mentally and physically heartbroken. I feel dead but still wake up to this horrible pain every day. All I do is think pray and cry over them. I keep hoping it will end soon and cant believe I’ve lived through it this long. I’ve seen every website and read every book including the bible. I look for new websites to read every day and write letters and texts till my mind is overwhelmed and I give up. They have me totally blocked from reaching them and I cant find out their address. My sister is the toxic 3rd party invader of my life and family. I never knew how bad she envied and hated me. She wanted my life and I loved and helped her all our lives together. She didnt have kids or a family so she silently eased her way in when I was at my weakest during my divorce. My life consists of taking care of my 82 year old mom with dementia and I had my 21 year old son at 40 years old. He lives with me after being taken from me in the divorce. We are trying to get back the last 10 years we lost but he’s sad that I’m not the same as I was then. It hurts him that I’m depressed over his brother and sister and thinks he’s not enough for me. I do feel feel like a failure as a mom, wife daughter and sister even though I know better. So much more to my life and not all negative but when I think of the beautiful memories of being a Christian stay at home mom with all the blessings of a home and family, it doesn’t help. I feel bad for all the moms on this site and pray the best for all of you. I hope yall are loving yourselves and being strong. Dont let yourselves get this far down because it makes it that much harder to get back up. I’ll continue to pray for all moms, our children and grandchildren to be together again soon. Thanks for sharing your stories as they helped me a lot. Jody
Your story is heartbreaking. This is not about your motherhood. This is caused by disrespectful and unkind adult children who probably are blaming you for their unhappiness. You must stop blaming yourself for the sake of your son and your own well-being.What did you do wrong? Nothing. You did your best.There is not a book written on how to be a perfect mother. I know the hurt and dismay of your children’s actions will not end. But, you have a choice to make. I suggest you use all your mental strength and change your attitude. Being depressed will not bring them back. It will only hurt you and your son. Give him all the love you have in your heart. He needs you. you need him. Warmly, Honey
I was divorced when my youngest daughter was 11 years old. I raised her on my own and had help from my wonderful parents. My x husband had no time for her in spite of being financially stable he spent his money on women and fun I had to work hard to provide medical insurance and all her needs I did without but would do it all over again. She is now married with two grown daughters and 1 six year little boy. After many years of treating me cold and mean to me she cut me out of her life completely. Blocked me from everything and won’t let me see my grandson. Since she has been an adult she has blamed me for anything and everything that has gone wrong or just because she is in a bad mood. She has told my granddaughter she will never ever speak to me again. I sometimes believe she even blames me because her father doesn’t want anything to do with any of the children. She will not tell any family members why she is angry with me. I wish I could understand.
I have the same situation. I wish I had the answers. We estranged parents can only account for our actions. We have to find the formula to accept what we cannot change. For myself, that is my goal. I suggest you concentrate on what brings joy in your life. I don’t know how these adult children can live with their actions. Warmly, Honey
My husband is estranged from his mother. It is very painful for the adult child as well. She left our family for another man. It broke my husband’s heart when she left his step dad for this man and 36 years earlier left his bio father when he was only 4 or 5 years old. We tried really hard to heal with her, but she kept lying about things. My husband couldn’t take the lies anymore. Whenever we heard from her it was the same thing and it was killing him. He was all broken up remembering when she left his bio father and now it was happening again to his step dad who raised him. Before the estrangement and we were trying to heal our family she came and visited us. It ended with her walking out on us in the middle of the night after my husband and she were talking about things. He confronted one of her lies and she left. They haven’t seen each other since that night. It’s been 2 years now. She last spoke with me on the phone for my birthday a year ago. I pleaded with her to talk to her son, but not to wait for his birthday and rehash on that day. She didn’t. She texted him the day before and he didn’t want to deal with all of it on his birthday. A few days later he learned from a family friend she had gotten married to the man she left his dad for 4 months earlier. He was devastated. We got a letter from her a month later telling us of her marriage. My husband couldn’t respond. He was devastated. Our daughter was due to get married a few months later and our family was in turmoil of her coming to the wedding and bringing her new husband. Because my daughter was so worried about everyone being upset, I had to write my mother in law a letter and ask her not to come. I didn’t want to do that, but I had to for my daughter, husband, and father in law’s sake. I feel so horrible and wish every day that things were not in this state. I love my mother in law. I miss her. But I am also so baffled by her behavior. She was never like this before. Always a loving giving mother. Then one day she met another man and left her family. But from her perspective we were the ones who abandoned her. I am completely heartbroken by this situation. I write this to give another perspective about the parent adult child estrangement thing. Whenever I search on the internet it’s the kids who leave the parent, but not in our situation. I’m so sorry for each broken family that I have read about on the internet. I pray God will bring healing and reconciliation in each family. I think about my mother in law all the time. My own mother died in 2012 and I miss her so much. I just can’t understand anyone throwing a family member away. My poor husband is so confused. He feels tremendous guilt and anger. He loves his mother deeply, but he doesn’t trust her. He loves the LORD Jesus and desires to live as His follower. He forgives his mother, but doesn’t feel safe letting her in. I hope this reply will be helpful to someone out there. Actually I truly hope it reaches my mother in law and softens her heart with understanding for her son. We love her so much and wish everyday that things were not as they are. May God bless each of you.
Julie, I answered you on https://www.honeygood.com my web site. It will be up on Thursday in my Thursday Advice Column, Dear Honey…
Hope I helped. Warmly, Honey
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Hi, Are you struggling with your picture on just this post or on all your posts? We are not having a problem on our end but we will check the picture. If you are having a problem on all the posts it is your internet. Warmly, Honey
This is a very complex problem and growing.. I haven’t seen my adult daughters who refuse to let me see my grandchildren as well. It has been six years. A vital part of my heart is in sorrow and pain and I see no intervention in sight. They refuse any type of communication and have blocked me from everything in their life. I was close to my first daughter’s children and miss them terribly. I identify with your post today and thank you for the story of the red string., I never take it off. My prayers are with you and your precious mother. Shalom,dear Honey
I am so glad I heard from you. I received your gift and keep it in a special place. I lost your address so I could not write you a thank you note. Children in many families have no respect like we did for our parents. Many no longer honor their father and mother. You are, unfortunately, not alone. I read the stats. This serious situation is in epidemic proportions. This is about your daughters, not about you. Live your life. I was happy to send you a red string.Never take it off. It will fall off on its own. My last one lasted over one year. Warmly, Honey
My mother passed away recently and I now have a sister who has said awful things to me and about me to others. We are no longer speaking. It hurts because I no longer have any family that I grew up with. I understand that this is a little different from your message, but unfortunately there are all kinds of issues in family relationships that can cause great pain. I am very fortunate to have a loving husband, three wonderful children, and five fantastic grandchildren who all care about me! But the pain is still there and to be honest it is very hard to not grieve the loss of a living sister.
I agree with you. There are different types of family estrangement and they all hurt. Please join my new group Estranged Mothers and Grandmothers: Millions strong. Send the note you sent above in the group and you will probably hear from siblings going through your experience. You are very fortunate that you have a loving husband and family. Revel in that love and think of possible ways you might end the estrangement with your sister. Warmly, Honey
a family member abused my daughter, he has passed. I didn’t know that he did, basically i didn’t get it till she was a teenager. It has caused significant problems within the family and now estrangement with most of my children. I have tried to rectify this to no avail.
Please join my private free Facebook Group: Estranged Mothers and Grandmothers: Millions Strong. There is much engagement between the estranged moms. I think they will as a group contribute to your need for help. This is a sad time in our lives. Groups help. Women need women. Warmly, Honey
As a parent, it’s very important to do your own work while waiting for them to reach out. Best not to intrude in their lives in anyway if they requested so. By doing so you are disrespecting their boundaries, which is most likely on their list of grievances. Be self-reflective, insightful and work on yourself before blaming your child and moving on. This process can take years. Lots of wonderful podcasts and blogs that have been helpful for families truly seeking reconciliation but that begins with you as the parent taking a step back to do your own work. Joshua Coleman, Kreed Revere, Janet Steinkamp have successfully reconciled with their own children and now helping other parents. Their podcasts were so eye-opening and incredibly helpful.
Thank you for your comment.Your advice is appreciated. Please consider joining my private facebook group:Estranged mothers and grandmothers: millions strong. Warmly, Honey
This is wonderful advice. I think it’s really hard for parents who have narcissistic tendencies to be self-reflective and consider their role in why an adult- child chooses estrangement. Rarely do I see adult children choosing to end a relationship because of ‘personal problems’. It’s more so due to the adult child realizing while navigating through a difficult time the people who bring unhealthy and toxic behaviours into their life and the people who don’t. The people who bring love and support and the people who bring criticism and judgment. Take responsibility for your side of the street. Always.
Are you a rejected mother? Honey
I would very much like to know the story of the “red string”.
I wear the red string because I think it guards and protects me. I give a red string to those I love and actually tie it on their wrists. Please google Red String and I believe you will find the meaning and the story. Warmly, Honey
Thank you Honey for your excellent articles. I just started your 9 phase course and I believe it will help me find peace and joy again.. Three years ago, my 44 year old daughter started distancing herself from me and my twin granddaughters began slipping away too. I tried to tell myself it was that my daughter was busy with her very successful business and the girls were getting older and busier with friends. This was after my husband (her step father) and I spent 15 years helping her and her family with anything and whenever we were asked). I took care of all three grandchildren (twin granddaughters age 12 and grandson 15) since they were born 3 times a week until they went to school full time .
We watched them whenever my daughter and her husband went away. We also had 2 years of “covid summer camp’ at our home and farm and threw ourselves into making their time very special. We all loved almost every minute. Then three years ago I felt like my daughter was distancing herself from us and we no longer saw much of the girls. We were not being invited to their home nor were they coming to the farm to ride go carts, swim and play anymore when they used to almost every weekend. I told myself maybe it was my daughter’s successful business consuming her time and our twin granddaughters were busy with friends. Our grandson still came out (and still does) to spend the night once a week and help around our farm. Then this March my daughter took me out to dinner (our “Mom-daughter” dinner we had every other month) and told me she had been seeing a therapist for 3 years and she realized she had “generational trauma” and did not want her trauma to affect her children. She said through therapy she realized that she was never heard and that I caused her great trauma. The examples she gave were that I paid she and her brother a dollar one time to be quiet in the car for 10 minutes and that showed she was unheard. The trauma I caused her was I did not protect her from her brother when he chased her around the house one time when I was gone. She had no other examples to give. I apologized and said I was so sorry she felt this way and I was sorry for any pain I caused her as I only wanted her to feel loved and protected. She then told me she was attracted to a girl in high school (even though she was with her boyfriend since they were juniors in high school -who is now her husband of 20 years. She said she told her husband and he was very supportive of her regarding her attraction to a girl in high school. Her therapist encouraged her to reach out to this high school friend and see if there were mutual feelings. They are now in a polyamourous relationship…. they continue as husband and wife but openly are involved with others. My daughter reconnected with her high school friend that she had a crush on (who is also a generational trauma therapist who is coaching my daughter how to interact with me )and she is in a relationship with this girlfriend while my daughter’s husband now has a girlfriend (that my daughter also vetted). They also have a polyamourous coach. The kids do not
know even though my daughter’s girlfriend/lover has spent weeks with them and gone on family vacations. All the hurt I’d felt over the past 3 years wondering what was happening finally made sense but it was devastating to realize my inner voice telling me for three years there was a problem was correct and I felt very betrayed, not to mention loosing three years with the twins (we weren’t even invited to their 12th birthday party (although my daughter’s girlfriend was there). We had never missed their parties in 11 years. My daughter and I met for family counseling two times, however, when I cried she showed no empathy or compassion and only wanted to express her anger at me….We had always been extremely close until 3 years ago. When the therapist and I realized that she only wanted to use me as a scapegoat for her new lifestyle choices and coming out a bisexual, I decided to discontinue therapy until we could both approach therapy with an open and loving heart.
My daughter said her door was open to further therapy, however these words were far different than her actions. She stopped calling altogether, iand the few emails I’ve received no longer were signed with love. For Mother’s Day she had a big brunch for her mother-in-law, her brother-in-law and his family and her “new Mom” (a 74 year old neighbor who she confided in a few years ago and the 74 year old woman told my daughter she thinks being polyamourous is fantastic and she wishes she could be too. No one is even considering the impact this is sure to have on our grandchildren when they find out what’s really going on. My husband and I were not invited to her mother’s day brunch. It was after this treatment (which has been heartbreaking) that I decided I would have to move on with my life for now. My daughter had a childhood I wish I had been lucky enough to have growing up and there is nothing I ever, ever did to deserve this cruel punishment. My husband and I continue to text our granddaughters about once a week so they know we have not forgotten them while we see their brother weekly for which we are very grateful. I’ve told my daughter in emails and a letter that I love her no matter what her life choices are and I am more than willing to listen to her traumas and accept responsibility for any part I may have played in her pain. However I do not feel safe right now with her because of the way she treated me for 3 years and is continuing to punish me even more. She seems happy with me out of her life while I have been horribly hurt. I decided I must forgive her for my sake and let go of my anger, with hope that in the future we can do family therapy and have some type of relationship. My fear is it has gotten so much worse. I feel the granddaughters will come back to us when they are a little older and not underneath the influence of their mom. Until then I am trying to figure out how to get my life back, feel gratitude for all that I have in my life and focus on what I can change…. me. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone in this journey and for giving me tools to find happiness again.
How are you finding the course, Cathy? Is it helping you live into a new era of your life? Please fill me in. I have something new to share with you that I learned after writing my course. Surrender to all toxic people and situations in your life. Walk away. It is very powerful to say to yourself – I will no longer allow anyone to bring toxicity into my day. This does not mean you accept the situation. A good mother can’t but it will allow you to think about a positive journey rather than a negative one. Warmly, Honey
As a child who went no contact with her mother as an adult, is like to tell you that keeping the door open and reaching out with love is a great way to push the child further away from ever reconciling. Every time my mother reached out it only proved she didn’t respect my boundaries or myself and hardened my resolve to stay away. By “keeping the door open” you absolutely prove to the child the validity of why they shut it in the first place. If my mother had actually respected my boundaries I may have been open to resuming our relationship, but the voicemails and the letters only reinforced the fact that she only thought of her own feelings and never mine. Just some food for thought. (I was 50 when I went no contact, for some context)
You have a problem. You are lucky to have a mother who continues to try and open the door. I would give anything to have my mother and so would millions of other daughters living with the loss of their mom. Honey Good.
I understand your perspective Susan. I also think you need to understand that many parents when they reach out, they don’t reach out with ” I am so sorry we did something wrong. We love you”.
They try to sweep your pain under the rug. I have been called ugly and a hypocrite and a coward and a liar in front of the whole family (I am the estranged child’s wife) and I can share emails lol if you want proof of how the communication goes. I sent a big email saying this is disrespectful and I can’t be spoken to like that. His parents now say they have no idea why I am upset and they want us to just come for Christmas without acknowledging any of how we were insulted.
Also, boundaries are a thing..Most normal children do not want to be estranged from parents..My parents made tons of mistakes (I had to pay all their debts) and yet I am not estranged. The problem is when parents refuse to treat children like adults and that’s why children get offended when parents still reach out when asked not to. It makes the child feel like the parent doesn’t respect them or see them as an adult making decisions.
I would love to talk to you about this to give you a whole perspective (if you are willing) since I am someone who thinks like you that you stay with your parents and honor them.
I would love to talk to you, too. As a mother of estranged daughters. I reached out to them in the most loving ways. Each estrangement story is different. My children were loved and honored during their growing up years. There was no abuse verbal or physical. We were a normal family until my late husband died suddenly in his 40’s and I remarried. My children have buried me alive and stopped my grandchildren from speaking to me. I feel sad for you and your husband. My children’s situation is not at all like your husbands and several other estranged adult children and parents. How would you like to communicate with me. I was a daughter and I would never, under any circumstance estrange myself from my parents. My conscience would not allow it. Would you like to speak to me by phone, email, text? Let me know. I wish you and your family a blessed and peaceful New Year. Warmly, Honey
Where’d you get your psychology degree from? Honestly, I see why the son cut contact with that first story. If you don’t have respect for yourself, why should anyone else?
My first thought after reading your comment – you probably are an estranged adult child.
My daughter has always been one to do what ever she wanted. She never respected any advise, guidelines or house rules. She quit school her freshman year and moved out of the home. We did not see her for 3 years. We did hear an occasional report of her activities. Wasn’t positive reports. When she was 18 she came back home. Things were never good. She continued to do what ever she wanted. Come home at all hours, drunk. She has a brother 6 years younger and her behavior was really causing problems in the house. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. She ended up moving out. We she was 21 my father was dying and she did come to the hospital. His last words were “ never forget your family, they are all you have. She promised she would. Fast forward. She was married , 2 children, divorced. Our relationship was always where I had to walk on eggshells, in fear of her alienation. Which happened about every 2 years. I did everything I could to try and keep our relationship. When she married, her new husbands family became the center of everything. Her dad & I ignored. At her wedding we were never even introduced. I did adore the grandchildren. I babysat every chance I could. The kids & I have a great relationship with. They are now 12 & 14. My daughter & I were speaking( when) she said so. But in July it stopped again. She would always send me a scathing text message. Never a conversation about what happened or why she was upset. Just a text. This time it was F u and you are never going to see me & the kids again. Don’t contact me. About a week ago I saw her in a store. I walked up to her and told her how much I Loved her and missed her and want to work it out. She proceeded to tell me she hates me, has always hated me, I’m dead to her and she wished I were dead. Her ex was coming to my home for dinner that night. But she somehow managed to tell him they could not come. And he called me to say I can’t bring them and don’t want to be in the middle. Heartbreaking to say the least. Last night was Thanksgiving and we were all at my sons,. My ex son in law came. Said he’s not allowed to bring the kids So they missed out on seeing, their uncle, cousin, grandfather & grandmother.
I’ve read in the comments from some who say, respect the person when they tell you don’t contact them. And then others who say, try and contact them all the time. So it feels like your darned if you do and darned if you don’t. All I know is I’m heartbroken. I don’t understand why she is now keeping the kids from me. I can’t image what the kids think. I know my daughter and she has a terrible mouth and can be very mean and sharp tongued. I’m used to her stopping communicating with me and when we do start speaking, she never wants to talk about why or what’s the reason. But to now take the kids away is devastating and so hurtful. I have no answers.
I have a feeling your daughter has psychological issues of some sort. Do you? if this is the case, it is very difficult for anyone, including parents, to have a meaningful relationship. I have no answer except that you must get on with your life by replacing her toxicity with something or someone meaningful that will bring joy into your life. I know how you feel. I am in the same boat. I cannot accept either but I am trying. You must try too. One day both of us will live into a positive answer of self-care for ourselves. Warmly, Honey
The author sounds like a narcissist. She takes no responsibility and seemingly blames the child. She lacks humility, and this whole pages seems dedicated to soothing herself ratting than any accountability. So transparent. Not surprising she’s been cut off by her child.
Obviously you are a disgruntled adult cild. You are entitled to your feelings. I am entitled to mine. The differences between us are that I feel your bitterness. I have none. I respected my mother with her flaws and was respectful. You cannot do either. Unless you grew up in an abusive home- I suggest you get your act together and sit down with your parent to have a healthy conversation. You will never escape your action – you will be tied to her umbilical cord until the day you leave this earth. Amen. Warmly, Honey
I am on the other side and have a husband who is in the process of estrangement from his parents and I find this post very lacking. I have a husband who was kicked out of home when he was sick and told he was an embarrassment..He stayed with the family for more than 15 years and tolerated everything thrown at him. When he married me, he started realising that his family never respected him seeing the way I was treated. He tried two years of communicating to his family that he needs to be respected in front of his wife and their reaction was to blame me for changing him since he never bothered to correct them before. He has mental health struggles so every communication attempt was blamed on his mental health.
After joining his family, I could see how they blamed every attempt at communication either on me or his mental health issues.
Things broke down a few months back when we started to place our requests in writing through email since everything fell on deaf ears and they claimed that they had no memory of him communicating. They refused.to.communicate via email and the repeatedly broke boundaries. I have email proof. They was a huge fight where I was called names when all I was trying was to reconcile them. The fight was in the email in front of the whole family and recently his parents still claimed that they did not understand why we were angry. I am amazing at communication and I have finally realised it’s either stay in the family and be treated second class along with my child or leave. I have judged children who have chosen estrangement since I would never do that to my parents.
Some of these comments honestly sound like my mother in law and I really wish posts like this would be more inclusive to include the child’s perspective. I genuinely believe my mother in law is not a bad person. She just has selective memory and refuses to see my husband as a grown up. I sometimes long that other estranged parents could maybe tell my mother in law that maybe she has chosen to disrespect us to an extent that my husband and I feel like we are being kicked out of the family. My 6 months old baby has been called names too by members of the family and every concern we.take has been met with resistance and feigning that they never said anything like that and we misremember.
I just wanted to point out the post is incomplete and maybe parents who are estranged need to go back and reread all forms of earlier communication maybe with a therapist or a neutral party and see what they are missing..sometimes the hurt and the belief that they did everything right stops them from seeing the child’s perspective.
As for the mothers who have tried everything and have really been estranged by toxic children, my heart goes out to you. My mother would be devastated and so would I if I ever faced that. My mother would give up every shred of pride and dignity to make peace with me and I can’t imagine her pain.
i am a mother who would give up every shred of pride and dignity to make peace with my daughters. I live in daily pain. Communication is the key to every healthy relationship. They choose not to. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. I am so glad your mother and your husband have you.You are lovely.Warmly, Honey
> Don’t let anger rule and don’t cut off your adult child. Continue to send birthday cards or a small sentimental gift. It’s important to stay in touch with your other children and your grandchildren. This will bring you comfort.
In any case? Even if the children ask you not to, to themselves and to their children?
If this is the case, that is terrible advice. If your children go no contact because they need boundaries and no contact, this drip-drip of continued efforts at contact will only drive them away. It will demonstrate to them that you are determine to not listen to them in the most extreme of circumstances. It will prove to them that any relationship would always be about you and you alone.
This advice, if taken, could lead to tragedy. This unilateral imposition of contact could end badly frayed relationships, including ones that had some hope for recovery if both sides could enjoy some trust. I cannot believe that anyone sincerely interested in reconciliation would want to sabotage it so.
You are an estranged daughter? I just found this going back a month. I agree communication is the best policy. Warmly, Honey
My 20 year old son won’t speak to me. It’s only been a few weeks. I think I supported him too much growing up instead of helping him build confidence by doing things himself. I think I felt guilty that his father abandoned us and then I needed to work hard to support us. Now he expects me to do more than I should be expected to do and blamed me when things go wrong. My problem is that when he says things that are extremely hurtful, it feels like a gut punch and triggers my anger and then I act like a lunatic. I am glad some adult children have left comments here because it helps me understand that makes him not feel safe and I need to learn to handle any cruel words he throws at me and maintain my calm while also maintaining my own boundaries. This is really difficult. I am not actually a lunatic. I am trainable and I want to figure it out. It’s hard to give everything and then not feel any respect or appreciation in return. It’s also hard because he is cutting me off when he is still dependent upon me financially. I will respect his boundary and let go while also continuing to work on myself. It will be a hard road for him to become fully independent and I can see his stubbornness and lack of forgiveness calcifying. As someone who avoids conflict I can understand how uncomfortable it is, but also swallowing the pain of the situation or acting like it doesn’t exist will do damage physically and you never feel whole. I think humility and forgiveness are the path forward but it can feel very vulnerable to open yourself up and trust again, not wanting to become hurt again. I will pray for all of the people on here feeling the pain of rejection, abandonment and misunderstanding. Please pray for me too.
Please stop acting like a lunatic! You get further with sugar than vinegar. When he gets nuts walk away. Silence is golden. Calmly say to him.” When you can talk to me respectfully I am hear to listen and try and help you find ways to help yourself with my support.” Does he have a job? An education? You should not be supporting him excessively. He won’t have any self esteem. Keep in touch after you try my approach. Warmly, Honey