What To Do When Your Spouse Feels Neglected

June 3, 2018 Published by
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Neiman Marcus Event

Hosting an event at Neiman Marcus in 2016, with my ultimate concierge, Shelly, by my side.

It is 5:31 a.m. I just made a pot of coffee for my ultimate concierge and me. I carry the steaming big red mugs into our bedroom and climb back into bed with Shelly and… my laptop. We talk for a few minutes, and I say, “I love you so much,” and my husband says, “Who are you talking to?” I respond, “Who do you think I am talking to?” He responds, “I don’t know if you’re talking to me or…your computer.” I begin to laugh and say, “You are too silly. I am talking only about you!” My husband smiles.

The reality of his words, “Who are you talking to me or your computer?” is daunting and I stop laughing. A sick feeling cascades over me because there is no one in this world I love more than my husband. Is he suggesting I am more in love with my computer than I am in love with him? Does he feel that I should find a better balance to my lifestyle?

Getting to the bottom of the matter

I ask him this very question. He replies, “I would like you to establish a healthy discipline between your work and your lifestyle. Set aside so many hours a day to work on your computer and then put your work away until the next day. Keep to that discipline, and I will stop being jealous of your love for your computer.” He winks.

Darlings, I am so glad he winks.

I feel better but not content because I know in my heart of hearts my husband misses spending more time with me. I work at home, so I am not running out of our house leaving him alone, but I admit it feels that way because I am so busy at home…spending time on my computer!

Neiman Marcus Event

Back to our conversation

In response to him asking me to close my computer at a particular time of day I say, “That is impossible! I am a free spirit and just the very thought of not looking at my computer after a certain hour until the next day is unfeasible.”

Aside from my writing and conducting business on my computer, my lifestyle resides on my laptop. I have texts from our grands to read and answer, texts from our daughter-in-law and other relatives, emails from my editor on my book coming out in February, emails from workmen on our apartment, emails from stores I frequent, invitations to answer, emails from my honey bees, contracts to sign, the daily calendar to read, friends and on and on.

As a wife, I wear many hats and dealing with most everything is… on my computer. Turning off my computer puts me out of touch with life, but to say I am in love with my laptop is beyond laughable because almost every day you know I want to throw it out of the 71st-floor window of our condo!

My ultimate concierge laughs out loud, in between sips of coffee, because he knows I have a love/hate relationship with technology.

The challenges of technology

Sure I love the communication they provide but otherwise, I do hate my computers because I run my business, honeygood.com on them. I have 43 passwords alone, and half the time, though they are programmed into my software, I am asked for my username and my password. Do you think I can remember 43 passwords? Or my computer might say, “A fatal error has occurred.” Then it tells me how to fix the fatal error. Press this. Press that. And nothing happens. Or Windows will ask me to press for updates. But clicking on check for updates results in an unhelpful message that says Windows updates could not check for updates!

My ultimate concierge and I change the topic of conversation because what I shared with him in the above discussion makes total sense. He kisses me. I kiss him. I bring him a second cup of freshly brewed coffee and a delicious pastry. He picks up the Wall Street Journal to read with the television blaring in the background and I… open my computer, naturally, to answer a text from our grand Joe. Life is good.

Neiman Marcus Event

Finding balance

What my husband was telling me and what many of your husbands or significant others may be feeling is about, time. Our husbands are all little boys, and they need our time. That is why some of them are jealous. Our task is to discipline ourselves to be time efficient and time effective, so our spouses or significant others or our adult children and grands know they are an extraordinary part of our lives. They want to know they are loved, and we have their back.

Darlings, the culprit is time. If we put the positive word ‘balanced’ in front of the word ‘time,’ we will be able to have positive relationships with those we love and feel confident that we are giving enough back.

It is hard for me to walk the extra mile to achieve a healthy balance of time between my absolute devotion to my ultimate concierge, my family, my home, my personal needs, our social activities, my friends and my work.

Are you too struggling to “have it all?”

Many of you are still in the workforce or are involved as full-time volunteers or play cards and golf with the girls or shop too much or belong to too many clubs.

Your husbands or significant others and adult children and grands are upset because they say, “You are missing in action.” They feel neglected. And you — like me — may feel pulled this way and that way because you are vital, visible, and curious. You wear many hats and want to continue leading an exciting lifestyle after 50.

Let’s face it, darlings, the simple lifestyle is gone forever, I fear. Having the world at our fingertips through communications on and off our computers is fantastic; but even more remarkable and relevant is having our sidekicks by our side.

Do you find it difficult to maintain balance? Share your thoughts and experiences either in the comments below or on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram.

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3 Comments

  • Deb Jones says:

    Can you talk about the BEST white shirts??
    Deb Jones

  • Deborah Cacho says:

    Dear Honey,

    Words cannot express how much I admire you. I am a 66 yo, Christian woman, who has experienced a miserable past three years. You always lift me up. Your topics are germane, and show thoughtful love. I am so very glad that I found your blog.

    Thank you for your words and thoughts. I believe God sent you to help the rest of us make some peace with the world and keep us sane. Between The Holy Spirit and you I continue to keep going. Than you Lord, for sending Honey!

    Most Sincerely,
    Debbie

  • Jane Delgado-Shadid says:

    I can’t tell you how much your posts help me deal with my life. It is as though we had just visited and talked about what is happening in my life. So helpful to know that it is so much like everyone else and to learn how to deal with it and work through the issues. My husband too has expressed that I spend too much time on my phone and computer. He is sight impaired and has other health issues. At least he has Alexa to help him through his day and is somewhat understanding more about my phone and computer connection.. Keep up the good work and helping me with my life.

    Jane

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