As the New Year rolled in on December 31, 2024, I had hours to reflect on my life during the year of ’24. The first thing that came to my mind was that it was the worst year of my life because it was filled with one disappointment after another. There were many days of struggle and never a day of total joy. I asked myself: how does a woman combat intolerable disappointments, utter sadness and survive? I still do not have an answer because this is the first time in my life that I see my glass as half empty.

Just before the clock struck midnight on December 31, 2024, I welled up in tears and gave each tear permission to gently roll down my cheeks. I thought about other very traumatic years in my life — the year my late husband suddenly passed away from a fatal heart attack. The year I found out I had cancer. And, the year my young grandson found out his young wife would pass away with ovarian cancer. Somehow, these were major disappointments but not as severe as the one I am faced now.

I asked myself how I overcame those disappointments. I realized I overcame them because I had hope. Now, I no longer have hope.

The Feeling of Hopelessness

As 2024 ended I found myself feeling hopeless and the feeling is as awful as the sound of the word.

My soulmate, my ultimate concierge and love of my life has a form of vascular dementia that will worsen. Over the last year I have been both caregiver and manager of our lives. You see, sweet reader, my ultimate concierge and I are no longer the ‘Good Team.’ I am the team. From accounting, lawyering, financial decisions, tending to my husband’s daily needs, and everything in between, I am in charge. I do not feel sorry for myself yet I am burdened with a sadness that never leaves.

Where is the hope?

I am also left without family relationships. Yes, I am an estranged mother and grandmother. I have finally given up on any hope of reconciliation. And, this is very painful.

Where is the hope?

Without hope one has a hard time surviving her ordeal.

A few days have passed since I had this emotional meltdown. it is now January 3, 2025. I am now trying to look back on the year of 2024 as a transformative year of personal discovery while coming to terms with the realization that in 2025 I am going to have to be brave and live through the pain and struggle. But how with so much loss and sadness in my wake?

It’s Time to Take an Inner Journey

I am telling my story because I know there are many women who have lost hope because they are facing devastating and disappointing passages in life.

During times of utter disappointment, loss, and hopelessness is a time to take a spiritual and inner journey without embellishment but with clarity into your mind.  The goal is to find a tiny spark that will lead you to a small tapestry of contentment. This is what I am trying to do and it is not easy.

As women over 50 we are wise, strong, and creative. We have the tools to find a means of personal contentment while facing our disappointments  and hopelessness. What I find happening is that the source of our unlimited personal power is buried so deeply beneath our serious problems that we have difficulty thinking about that spark that can bring a bit of clarity. The process that I am referring to is self-care.

During a time of hopelessness is the time to take an inner journey, not an outer one, into your mind to find some type of tapestry of contentment. Yes, I would like you to take the time to take a mental and spiritual inventory of your personal life. Ask yourself, what can you do to relieve some of your torment as you are faced with a disappointing and sad passage at your doorstep? I know the answers but I am too sad and weary to seek it.

As of yet, I have not found my footing and truth be told, I don’t know when I will. I am being totally authentic and showing my vulnerability and I feel a fierceness that I am able to expose myself with no qualms. I am Honey Good and I am aching with sadness and grief and it won’t go away because of the reality of the situations.

This is my time to grieve my husband’s illness and the loss of my family and grieve I will — until the day I won’t. I am not coming from weakness — I am coming from truth.

How to Search for Clues and Find Your Happiness

 

For all of you who are ready to move forward I suggest you ask yourself what makes you happy. If you don’t know, start by keeping a Journal in order to discover what specifically triggers feelings of delight in your daily life. Play Detective Clousseau as you search for clues.

The pursuit of happiness is an inalienable right guaranteed by the Declaration of Independence. But you have to be willing to pursue it. Genuine happiness, self-care, can only be realized once you commit to making it a top priority. As my friends and acquaintances say, ” You have to take care of yourself.” I am passing on their message to you.

Ask yourself what you truly need. It is easy to lose clarity on what we truly need to live authentically. It is crucial to distinguish between your wants and your needs. Don’t allow your wants to supersede your needs. Ask yourself, “What do I really ‘need’ to make me happy as I travel through this passage of life. Each of you will have a different answer. The reason I am so bereft is because my needs are unattainable — a healthy hubby and my family. I have a long road to hoof, but hoof it I will.

Find Your Harmony

I was listening to an opera yesterday and I thought of the evening my ultimate concierge and I attended a ballet at the Bolshoi Theatre in Moscow. What a magical evening in the majestic small theatre. Sitting next to the love of my life I felt harmony and deep love between us. I felt grateful as I squeezed his hand resting in mine. Our life was in order. I felt peace.

As the world turns, I have that deep love and I am grateful but harmony and peace evade me.

Harmony is the feeling of an inner cadence of contentment when the melody of life is in tune. When turbulence comes, it is difficult to strike the right cord to balance ones life. This is a most difficult challenge for me and for many of you because the distractions of daily life deplete our energy.

As 2025 rolls in, we all are wise enough to know that everyone’s life is filled with joys and disappointments. It is the nature of the beast. How we handle our woes is up to us.

When All Else Fails, Trust Your Heart

For those of us facing disappointments I leave you with this:

Trust your heart to give you the answer to your need. It is 100 percent truth that once you acknowledge your need — you will find it because there is no greater wisdom than the message from your heart. It knows.

I sigh as I end this Sunday Story. I have no illusions. My heart knows what lies in front of me. As my friends and grandchildren tell me: You always see your glass half-full and you are strong. For the first time in my life, I beg to differ.

Have you faced this feeling? How were you able to reach for happiness? Please share with me in the comments.