Here’s the one thing you must do after a breakup

January 22, 2018 By
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broken heart

It’s over. You forgot how excruciating breakups are. The minute you open your eyes in the morning, the heaviness rushes back into your chest and it hurts so much that you can barely breathe. That is, if you’re lucky enough to be able to sleep at all.

Almost everyone has this experience at least once. Life can be challenging and none of us gets through it without a few bruises. Unfortunately, heartache is part of the deal.

If you’re going through this right now, first of all, I’m sorry and I’m sending you love. I know how it is and I’ve been there. That’s one of the reasons I do the work I do.

One of the best things you can do for yourself and your future is to take the time to mourn your loss.

A breakup is a real loss and it can be difficult to navigate in the world in which we live. We’re often encouraged to just get over it and go out and find someone new. There isn’t much space for grieving in our culture in general.

There are no rituals for breakups, such as wakes or funerals. We’re usually expected to navigate these very real losses all alone.

Having a relationship funeral can help. Set aside some time to cry, feel sad, and to say all the things you wanted to say to the person who broke your heart. You can light a candle, burn some incense, and write a letter to your ex (I don’t recommend that you send it, this is just for you).

When you’ve written everything out, you can get up, shake it off, take a few deep breaths and write a letter to yourself from him. Say all the things you wish he would have said to you, such as; he really did love you, he’s sorry, he wishes you well.

Play some sad music, call a friend, let yourself lay face down on the floor and totally ruin your makeup. Have at it.

When you’re done, you can pick yourself up and write out what you’re thankful for and what you learned and say goodbye.

You can burn the things you wrote outside and release them to the four winds, then go back inside and get some Epsom salt or Himalayan salt. Get into the shower and scrub yourself with the salt. Start with your neck and go down. Then run a hot bath and sit and soak. This can be very soothing.

There are no quick fixes with heartbreak, but these suggestions can help you process the loss. It sure beats burying the pain and having it come back later. Do yourself a favor and deal with it now. Your future self will thank you.

Please know that I’m pulling for you and that better days are coming soon.

 

Warmly,

Renee Suzanne

Author bio:

Renée Suzanne is a coach for smart, successful women who want to find love. She helps women go from heartbroken to happily-married. She believes that true love is possible for anyone who’s willing to create the conditions in her life for it to flourish.

She’s been featured in The Huffington Post, Glamour, and Tiny Buddha.

When she’s not saving women’s love lives you may find her curled up on the couch with a glass of wine and a good book or out on a hike with her husband.

Her two books, “Beloved – How to go from relationship challenged to relationship ready” and “Ten things you can do to upgrade your love life” are available on Amazon. She also has more than 100 inspiring videos on her YouTube channel.

Want more love in your life? Check out her free audio course at reneesuzannecoaching.com.

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19 Comments

  • Sheryl says:

    Gosh, I wish I had this advice many years ago when I experienced a very painful breakup. I recall my body hurting physically, breathing was even difficult. I know you have helped many with this advice – thank you!

    • Susan "Honey" Good says:

      Thank you for your comment. I think we all experienced the sadness and difficulty in a break-up.That is now in your past, thank goodness. Warmly, Honey

  • Carolyn says:

    Thanks for this great column. I broke off a relationship a bit over a year ago. Five years together and engaged for for three. I’m so thankful I didn’t try to date again until I Know I’m good and ready. ( Butterflies, ok.) A singles group is having an event early next month. I just might be ready!

    • Susan "Honey" Good says:

      Good for you to end a relationship that was not working. Get yourself out there and go to the Singles Group. One never knows…Warmly, Honey

  • You are absolutely spot on here Susan, so much advice after a breakup is around moving on, how to forget your ex etc. But like any loss, you do need time to “grieve” I think. As long as you can control it and not get too depressed then it is important to take some to mourn the loss of your relationship.

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  • Ava says:

    I have been divorced for 10 years, and had 3 serious relationships in the time since, always taking time in between to heal/ work on myself. The first 2 broke it off with me, and I took it pretty hard but handled myself well. Both of them came back wanting to reconcile, years later, and I was SO GLAD to have moved on. But this third one? He dumped me last week and I’m wrecked. This has me feeling just gutted, like someone died. It was only a year and a half but I KNEW I had finally found it. He was nothing like the others. Imagine meeting the Love of your Life at age 54! Omg it made my 12 year rocky marriage and subsequent decade of midlife dating hell all seem worth it if this is my final pay-off. Well… Apparently he didn’t think so. I am not as resilient as I used to be. It just seems so wrong. I know I have to accept it. But my heart refuses to do so. He was so hard to find. Soulmates, I swear. I can’t keep starting over, over and Over. I know I’m not elderly but I’m not young any more either. I know how to be alone, I just don’t want to be. But I think it would be better than going through this kind of pain again.
    HELP.

    • Susan "Honey" Good says:

      You are young and have half your life ahead of you.This is not the time to give up. You are resilient. You are going through a mourning period of loss so naturally you are feeling helpless and drained, When you can think clearly sit down and write yourself a letter asking yourself what happened that the relationship did not work out. Did you have the same interests? Did you have the same values? Did your families interfere? What were his reasons for wanting out of the relationship? I married a man with my values and my interests and my emotional make-up. We are in sync without trying! But, we do have our trials at times. Don’t give up the ship!! Pick yourself up and start all over again but maybe with a better understanding of who you are and what you really need. Did I help? Warmly, Honey

      • Ava says:

        Dear Honey, I am so sorry for the belated response to your kind reply. I had no idea that you had replied to my comment until I revisited your post today! Yes, you did help, to whatever extent I can be reached.. Thank you very much. It still hurts. I still want a reunion! ugh. I wasn’t like this with the others. Never used the word “Soulmate” in my life prior to him. It took 10 hard post-divorce years to find him. I loved being with him more than ANY man I have been with, in 35 years of adult life. Nobody else even came close.
        …Anyway, I know the drill. Pick myself up. Again and again. At this point I wish I were one of those women who have just stopped looking for a mate. They seem happy and content. I can’t take another heartbreak.
        ..Okay, very sorry for the Self-Pity rambling.. I understand about self-care, etc. And I have 2 daughters. Must Not set an example of weakness and misery.. Sigh.. Thanks again though. I was surprised and truly grateful to receive your compassion and wisdom. You do a wonderful job and I really appreciate it.

        • Ava says:

          P.S. CORRECTION: I should have proof-read. Meant to type “Susan” not just your “Honey” monikker.. : )

        • Susan "Honey" Good says:

          I prefer Honey so no problem.Yes, pick your self up because the alternative will not serve ‘you’ well. You must grieve your loss. That is far from weakness. it is feeling necessary and sad emotion before you can go on. It is up to you to diagnosis why this relationship soured. This takes time and thought. You want to have another soulmate so don’t try and make yourself happy being alone because other women are. You want to be you. Warmly, Honey

          • Ava says:

            Thanks so much. And yes, I know you’re right on all of the above. .. So glad you are here.

          • Annie says:

            Hello again Honey, well, I felt compelled to reach out to you again, since you made such a difference in my early stage grieving. I still feel sad, still want him (but am working on Acceptance and Moving On because I do want a mate, once I am healed and ready), and YES realize that I must serve my own soul needs , not just “be strong” for my daughters. Thank you for the perspective-check. Along those lines, I joined medium and posted a blog. I hope it’s okay to share here too?https://medium.com/@annevitiello/why-i-will-live-for-my-harley-not-my-grandkids-fde5db66fe45

          • Susan "Honey" Good says:

            Hay Annie, Want to be a contributor and write forHoneygood.com? Read your ‘I will live for my harley not my grandkids’ H and loved it. Let me know and I will send you some information from Kayla about becoming a writer on HG.You rock. Warmly, Honey

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