How do you love someone when it’s tough to do so?
I thought long and hard about how to answer. In truth, we meet people in life who rub us the wrong way. Most incidents are easily resolved, some are never resolved, and then there are our loved ones—even when it is a challenge.
Introduction to Loving Someone
Loving someone is a complex and multifaceted concept. According to Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, people have different primary love languages—ways they prefer to give and receive love. During the early years of his career as a marriage counselor, Chapman’s observations and experiences with couples led him to develop the love languages concept. Understanding these love languages is essential in nurturing deep relationships. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. This revolutionary concept has transformed how people understand and express love in relationships.
These languages also apply to our significant others. Knowing how your significant other experiences love will allow you to build an emotional bridge during difficult times.
How To Love People Who Are Hard to Love
It is hard to be in the company of a person who is difficult to love. Sometimes, that person is a co-worker, a friend, a family member, loved ones—or even your significant other. Different personalities can make it challenging to connect or express love effectively. So how do we hang in for better or for worse? We learn to compromise and look deeper, which can be a quiet miracle in itself. People in these situations often have similar complaints about feeling misunderstood or unappreciated.
1. Think First About Your Feelings
This is not selfish—it’s foundational. You cannot love someone meaningfully if you haven’t come to terms with your own feelings first. This applies especially when your loved one in question is a significant other. You must ask yourself: Is the relationship depleting or enriching? Thinking deeply about your own needs and emotional state is crucial before you try to love someone else. Can I continue with love, or do I need to reset my boundaries?
2. Display Empathy
Emotional intelligence pays off. No one is perfect. I often try to put myself in their shoes. Perhaps your loved one had a bad day, a rough life, or are struggling silently. Holding hands through someone else’s darkness can be a powerful expression of empathy and love. Recognizing and responding to the emotions of others is a key part of showing empathy. Yes—even with someone hard to love.
3. Challenge Instead of Judging
To love someone well is to love them honestly. Don’t judge—challenge. Open the door to heartfelt dialogue. Take time to truly listen during these conversations, being present and attuned to their feelings and words. A loving conversation, especially with a significant other, requires courage. Speaking the truth with kindness builds trust. If they are meant to stay in your life, they will appreciate your honesty.
4. Set Your Boundaries
Boundaries are the guardian angels of self-respect. You can still love someone—even a significant other—without allowing them to hurt you. Holding hands does not mean holding hurt. Your loved one can be real and yet distant. Give yourself permission to choose peace.
5. Show Forgiveness
Forgiveness is for you. Whether it’s an estranged friend , your significant other, or family forgiveness offers you emotional freedom. Holding onto anger robs you of joy. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting—it means releasing what no longer serves you.
Understanding Love Languages
Love languages offer clarity in chaos. This unique approach helps you understand how people give and receive love, allowing for more meaningful connections. If someone values quality time, giving them your undivided attention—truly being present—is the ultimate act of love. If your loved one’s language is physical touch, a simple act like holding hands can mean everything. Using the right love language helps you effectively love your partner and strengthen your relationship.
Quality Time and Love
Giving someone your undivided attention is not just a nicety—it’s a necessity. Taking time to listen deeply to your partner during quality time helps foster genuine connection and understanding. Especially with your significant other, this means turning off distractions and turning toward each other. Cooking together, walking in silence, or even just sitting and holding hands with your loved one can foster intimacy that words cannot capture.
Acts of Service
When someone is difficult to love, especially a significant other, small and intentional acts of service can make a meaningful difference. These are not grand gestures but rather quiet declarations of love—like making their morning coffee just the way they like it or running an errand without being asked. These acts of service say, “I see you, I care, and I’m here,” even when words fall short. I’ve often found that when communication feels strained, consistently showing up through acts of service can begin to melt tension. They build trust. They are love in motion. When your partner sees you folding the laundry or preparing dinner after a long day, they might begin to soften, realizing love is still alive between the lines. Eight thoughtful acts of service, over time, may just shift the emotional climate in your relationship with loved ones. When couples discuss their needs during conflicts, their answers fell into specific categories that often align with the love languages, revealing what truly matters to each person.
Pairing these with words of affirmation creates a powerful combination. Words of affirmation are not just compliments—they’re lifelines. “I appreciate you.” “I’m proud of how hard you’re trying.” “I’m grateful for your presence in my life.” These words of affirmation can rebuild what silence or misunderstanding has eroded. Use them often and sincerely. Speak them aloud and leave them in little notes. Whisper them in quiet moments. People tend to feel more valued and connected when their partner uses their preferred love language. I believe that offering words of affirmation, even twelve small ones, can reignite love in the most delicate hearts. When someone feels seen, valued, and cherished through your words and acts of service, loving them—even when it’s tough—becomes not only possible but transformational.
The Importance of Physical Touch
Physical touch is a universal language of love that transcends words. For many, it is the primary love language—the way they most naturally give and receive love. In relationships, simple gestures like holding hands, a warm hug, or a gentle touch on the shoulder can speak volumes. These acts of physical touch are not just about affection; they are about creating a sense of safety, comfort, and connection with your partner.
In a healthy relationship, physical touch helps to build emotional intimacy. It reassures your partner that you are present and attentive, especially during difficult times. Whether it’s a reassuring squeeze of the hand during a tough conversation or a spontaneous embrace after a long day, these moments of physical touch can bridge emotional gaps and foster a deeper bond. The five love languages remind us that everyone has different ways they prefer to receive love, and for some, physical touch is essential to feeling truly connected.
If your partner’s love language is physical touch, make an effort to incorporate it into your daily routine. Even small gestures—like a gentle caress or sitting close together—can nurture affection and strengthen your relationship. Remember, it’s not about grand displays, but about the little things that make your partner feel loved and secure. By honoring this love language, you create a foundation of trust, warmth, and emotional intimacy that can weather even the toughest moments.
Communicating Love Through Words of Affirmation
Words have the power to heal, uplift, and connect. For those whose primary love language is words of affirmation, verbal expressions of love are essential to feeling valued and appreciated. In relationships, the right words at the right time can transform the emotional climate, turning tension into tenderness and distance into closeness.
Communicating love through words of affirmation means offering genuine compliments, encouragement, and appreciation. A simple “I love you,” “I’m proud of you,” or “Thank you for being you” can make your partner feel seen and cherished. These words don’t have to be elaborate; sincerity matters most. Leaving a heartfelt note, sending a thoughtful text, or expressing gratitude out loud are all powerful ways to connect and show your partner that you care.
Effective communication is the cornerstone of a strong relationship. By speaking your partner’s language of affirmation, you create a safe space for vulnerability and connection. When your partner feels appreciated through your words, it builds trust and deepens your bond. Remember, affirmation is not just about praise—it’s about letting your partner know that they matter, every single day. In the end, it’s these words that echo in the heart, long after they are spoken.
The Value of Receiving Gifts
Receiving gifts is a love language that goes far beyond material things. As Gary Chapman explains, the true value of a gift lies in the thought, effort, and intention behind it. Thoughtful gifts are tangible reminders that your partner is on your mind and in your heart, even when you’re apart.
In relationships, giving and receiving gifts can be a joyful way to express love and appreciation. It’s not about the price tag, but about the meaning behind the gesture. A handwritten card, a favorite treat, or a small token that reflects your partner’s interests can all be powerful ways to show you care. These gifts become symbols of affection and connection, creating shared memories and moments of joy.
When you take the time to select a gift that resonates with your partner, you’re saying, “I see you, I know you, and I cherish you.” This language of love is especially meaningful for those who feel most loved through receiving gifts. By making the effort to give personalized and thoughtful gifts, you strengthen your emotional bond and create a sense of excitement and appreciation in your relationship. Remember, it’s the thought and love behind the gift that truly matters.
Focusing on Your Partner’s Well Being
A healthy relationship thrives when both partners feel cared for and supported. Focusing on your partner’s well-being means tuning in to their emotional and physical needs, and making a conscious effort to nurture their happiness. This often starts with understanding and speaking your partner’s primary love language—whether it’s quality time, acts of service, or another unique way they prefer to receive love.
For example, if your partner values quality time, offering your undivided attention during shared activities can make them feel truly seen and appreciated. It’s about being present, listening deeply, and engaging in moments that matter to them. These efforts build trust and foster a sense of connection, laying the groundwork for a fulfilling and healthy relationship.
Prioritizing your partner’s well-being is not about grand gestures, but about the consistent, everyday choices that show you care. By making their needs a priority and speaking their love language, you create a supportive environment where both of you can grow and thrive. In the end, it’s this mutual effort and attention that transforms a relationship from ordinary to extraordinary.
Getting to Know Your Partner
True connection in relationships is built on a foundation of understanding and curiosity. Getting to know your partner is an ongoing journey—one that requires effort, open communication, and a willingness to see the world through their eyes. By taking the time to learn about your partner’s love language, preferences, and values, you foster personal growth and emotional intimacy for both of you.
Listening deeply is key. Ask open-ended questions, invite your partner to share their thoughts and feelings, and be receptive to their unique experiences. Avoid making assumptions or projecting your own expectations; instead, focus on understanding what makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. This approach, as Dr. Yvette Erasmus suggests, creates a safe space for vulnerability and authentic connection.
As you continue to learn about your partner, you’ll discover new ways to support their well-being and strengthen your bond. This process of discovery not only deepens your relationship, but also encourages self-reflection and growth. By embracing your partner’s individuality and making the effort to connect on their terms, you build a relationship rooted in trust, empathy, and lasting love.
Building Intimacy and Connection
Building intimacy requires showing up—fully and consistently. It means choosing to hold space for someone else, to offer your undivided attention in a noisy world. Even a small gesture, like holding hands while watching a sunset, becomes sacred when done with love.
Building intimacy and connection is closely linked to higher relationship satisfaction, as these behaviors help partners feel valued and understood.
When to Seek a Professional Help
In some situations, when love becomes especially complicated, it may be time to seek guidance from a marriage counselor. Whether you’re trying to reconnect with a significant other or simply looking to better understand your emotional patterns, a marriage counselor can serve as a neutral guide. A marriage counselor helps one spouse understand and appreciate the other’s unique needs, fostering empathy and deeper connection. Many couples find that working with a marriage counselor helps them break toxic cycles and rediscover their emotional bond. Working with a marriage counselor is not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of deep care and commitment. A skilled marriage counselor can help you identify each other’s love languages, whether it’s physical touch, receiving gifts, or undivided attention, and use that understanding as a bridge to healing.
I’ve known women who, after years of emotional distance, sat across from their significant other in a marriage counselor’s office and said things they hadn’t voiced in decades. Sometimes, the smallest shifts that come from working with a marriage counselor—like offering physical touch during a hard conversation or exchanging small, meaningful tokens as a form of receiving gifts—can create openings for emotional repair. A marriage counselor often emphasizes these little things because they’re not little at all; they’re deeply symbolic acts of love. Identifying and speaking your partner’s love language is a crucial part of the counseling process, as it helps both partners feel valued and understood. If your heart is telling you to try again, a marriage counselor may help you chart a new course, one where love feels possible again.
When People Are Tough to Love
Sometimes, the toughest people to love are our closest loved ones. This can include parents and children, as well as friends and partners, and understanding love languages can help improve these relationships. Maybe it’s a difficult friend. Or perhaps it’s a significant other who’s going through a storm. There are moments when walking away is the truest form of love—for them and for you. And sometimes, staying, with clear boundaries and open eyes, is the braver path.
I once knew a woman who couldn’t get along with her daughter-in-law. She came to me in anguish. My advice? “Make friends with the other mother-in-law.” You have to be creative. You have to want peace more than power. You have to be willing to show up—even if just to offer your undivided attention for one hour, one meal, one moment.
My College Experience
Love can surprise us. I once became best friends with someone I had nothing in common with. We exchanged skills—note-taking for style tips—and unexpectedly, we became close. We began walking to class holding hands like old friends. The lesson? Where there is kindness, there is always the seed of love. A good person can be hard to love when you do not have anything in common.
Loving Someone Can Be Tough But…
Quality time brings people back together. Often, love is rekindled in quiet, ordinary moments—like reminiscing with an old friend or significant other. Perhaps you’ll meet again and recall memories: birthday candles, shared laughter, holding hands in your youth. From there, love may grow again. Dear reader, loving someone when it’s tough is one of the bravest things we do. Whether it’s through a heart-to-heart, your undivided attention, or simply holding hands through a hard time—it’s worth it.
The love languages concept has improved millions of relationships around the world, helping people connect and communicate more effectively.
Have you ever been in a situation where it is tough to love someone? Let’s discuss how people talk about their experiences with love languages in the comments below. If you have an interest in learning more about love languages or related programs, let us know!
Understanding how people talk about love languages can significantly impact your relationships. When people reflect on past relationships, those experiences often shape their perception of love, fostering self-love and connection. This deep and lasting impact on personal growth and emotional development is crucial for building stronger bonds.
Thanks for the advice. The hard part of learning to love is when it’s a family member. I ask myself if we had the same parents. I feel that growing up without love is hard to learn as an adult. My family lives in the past.
Sometimes it’s too easy not to see the trees for the forest. Thank you for this companion piece to “How to handle your adult children’s disapproval”.
You are more than welcome. Once you come to terms that you have to ‘accept’ certain situations the faster you will feel peace come over your body. Warmly, Honey
I really enjoyed this reading, I read it aloud to my husband and we had a great discussion about our family members whom we’ve tried over and over again to reconnect with but to no avail. I have to set boundaries for my emotional health And to protect my family from my disappointments and all the emotions that apply during these attempts.
Thanks
Acoustic Spirit
You have tried. They disappointed and rejected your positives approaches. I have been there. I took the high road for two years. I was so sad that she would not reconcile. One day I walked through a labyrinth on top of a mountain overlooking the Pacific Ocean. My husband and I were at a Spa. When I entered the labyrinth I had no idea what I wanted to think about. As I started my walk, out of the blue, I answered my own question about the relationship and decided it was time to ACCEPT what I couldn’t change. I had done my best. I felt such relief. After the walk the guide told me to put my hand into a darkly colored bag and pick out a stone. I did. The stone was engraved with the word, accept! The stone sits in a special spot that I see several times a day. You have tried your best. Accept. Warmly, Honey
This piece was so timely for me. My husband and I relocated from the Philadelphia area five 1/2 years ago to live closer to our son in the West. Recently, I called my brother-in-law in Pennsylvania, and was blindsided when he spoke to me bitterly and cruelly. I had been calling to tell him that my husband and I would be returning East to take care of my mother-in-law for a three-month period. I expected a positive reception. Instead I was told that my husband and I were selfish because we had not returned in the January/February time period to care for her. I’ve since found that my brother-in-law had received news the very day of the phone call that his wife has colon cancer and would need surgery. While I still don’t feel that his treatment of me was warranted, I now know that he was lashing out at the universe in anger, and I have resolved to forgive him.
Thanks a million for this amazing article. I always felt bad for how I treated my grandma just because she has this tendency of thinking of the worst case scenario about future events. It really bothered me until I started keeping a huge distance so that I won’t start negatively. I know she is that way because of her past and old age but it was difficult for me to accept how scared she gets about things are less probable to happen or how she judges others negatively with just mere assumptions. When I read the article, I put myself in her shoes and found out that her main reason of being like that is because of being cautious about her loved ones including me. She is being careful not to het me and others in troubles or traps. I knew this before but it was hidden in my mind’s back ground. I’ll hold onto this reason to love her just as much as she loves me. Thanks for helping me out!!
I just love what you wrote. Now you get it; you understand love is shown in many different ways. I am happy for you. Warmly, Honey
I love this person so much it hurts. I think about her a lot. Everything was all good until recently. All that changed. She gets upset at the slightest thing I do. We used to talk like everyday but now we barely. I have tried on several occasions to win her heart back but it’s getting harder and harder. I chest hurt just from thinking about how I have lost her. I am fighting everyday to let her go because I never thought we would end up like this. I have experienced heart breaks but never hurt this much. It’s hard to love her and if I could get someone to reach out to her for me would have been a blessing but I don’t know at this point.
I am so sorry I am late getting back to you. Maybe by this time you and your friend have healed the relationship. I do hope so. If not, I suggest you join a woman’s group of some type. A group that you would enjoy. A church group? a workout group? a gardening group, photography group, a wine tasting group? Women need women and there are a lot of women looking for new found friends. Move on. Do your homework. Remember: nothing good happens by accident. You have to make it happen. I know you will. Warmly, Honey
Such a beautiful article! ❤️ I found it when I was looking for advice on how to love my MIL better. Many years ago we moved very far away (5hr flight) because of my job and I think she still harbors a lot of anger towards me for taking her son “away.” I also have two small children which are her only grandchildren. We fly “home” to stay with her at least 3x’s a year and have a guest room to warmly welcome her to whenever she visits us but it doesn’t seem to be enough to make her stop lashing out on me. I love my husband more then I ever knew possible and so I’ve learned to stop commenting when she lashes out at me because I don’t want to put him in the middle like that. I also decided that should she pass away before me one day he would have a harder time turning to me for comfort if he thought I never loved his mom. I try so very hard to always be kind and loving towards her, never complain about her but the more I do that, the more obvious it becomes that she is angry and maybe bitter. It’s hard to not feel like it’s all my fault. I also know that I never want to keep her from her grandchildren so I try to facilitate time for her to be with them without me. Im learning to let her talk and speak her mind but just listen and nod. I wish so badly we could have a better relationship that’s more loving and intimate.
Such a beautiful article! ❤️ I found it when I was looking for advice on how to love my MIL better. Many years ago we moved very far away (5hr flight) because of my job and I think she still harbors a lot of anger towards me for taking her son “away.” I also have two small children which are her only grandchildren. We fly “home” to stay with her at least 3x’s a year and have a guest room to warmly welcome her to whenever she visits us but it doesn’t seem to be enough to make her stop lashing out on me. I love my husband more then I ever knew possible and so I’ve learned to stop commenting when she lashes out at me because I don’t want to put him in the middle like that. I also decided that should she pass away before me one day he would have a harder time turning to me for comfort if he thought I never loved his mom. I try so very hard to always be kind and loving towards her, never complain about her but the more I do that, the more obvious it becomes that she is angry and maybe bitter. It’s hard to not feel like it’s all my fault. I also know that I never want to keep her from her grandchildren so I try to facilitate time for her to be with them without me. Im learning to let her talk and speak her mind but just listen and nod. I wish so badly we could have a better relationship that’s more loving and intimate. 😢
You are special. Stay just as you are by taking the high road. I have a feeling by letting her speak her mind while you listen you will eventually earn many times over her respect and love. You are a very wise wife, too. Warmly, Honey
Thank you for your advice. What do you do if it’s a family member that is a bad mood most days, gets defensive and angry easily? How do I still love and be kind without giving into a pity party or feeling tense around this person?
This is difficult for you. If this person has always been this way, it is what it is.You will have to decide what you want to do on a personal level. If this is something new, delve in and search out the cause and then have a positive conversation but with calm authority. State your mind. Be open about how you are feeling, no holes bared. Also, tell the person you will help him or her if the person is willing to help themself. If they are not, you will have to make a personal decision about leaving the relationship to preserve your happiness. Remember, you are empowered and you count. Warmly, Honey Wishing you a happy New Year in 2022.
I really need to learn this. I’m going to look for reading material for this. Thx
You are so welcome. So, very welcome. Warmly, Honey
There are definitely people who are hard to love and I have several in my family. Accepting each one for who they are in my life, and praying for them helps me. When I “love my neighbor as myself” as Jesus taught,
That helps me accept them. I have begun to realize that all of us have “soft spots” that are sensitive. We all need forgiveness.
Thank you,
Randi
You are right! Love your message to me. Warmly, Honey
Great. Thanks for sharing such great 5 ways
My pleasure! Warmly, Honey
I knew gal who had 5 mental diagnoses; she told a crowd at a meeting that i had “dissed” her. I didn’t even know what that meant at the time. She came after me, calling me a bitch, etc.; thought she was going to assault me.
Long story short, I was so afraid that I was afraid to go back to that weekly meeting…. Had to have a body guard when I did go back.
Eventually, she got married & I was able to send an approp. gift that was in her favorite color. Since then, we have gotten along fine!
Interesting story. It is best not to stay angry. The outcome of your story does shock me but, women can be a mystery. She went from a bullying friend to your friend. Warmly, Honey
Wow, what a wonderful post. This was too much information for me
Well, you can always reread it if you feel like it. I am so delighted you liked it. Warmly, Honey
Thank you so much for posting this article. My fil (whom I had loved and had a great relationship with for 38 years) verbally attacked my daughter and myself last Christmas. I have tried on at least 4 occasions to talk to him and wrote him a letter (all to repair the relationship on behalf of my husband, truly). I apologized to him for losing my temper in response to his verbal assault, but he has not apologized at all. At this point, I am fine with not having a relationship with my in-laws any more, as it appear to be irreparable, and I know I need to take care of myself first. But what can I do to help myself to truly forgive him so that I am free to be the most loving person I can be? I want to harbor no ill will toward anyone, and to be able to hold him in a place of love, even if it is long distance. At times I feel almost there, but often I still feel the nagging feelings of anger and sadness deep down inside and I know I am not free from my own egoic pain. Any suggestions you may have would be greatly appreciated.
I am confused. Who is your fil? You are living in separate states? Does he want to reconcile. Please be more precise and I will try and help you. Warmly, Honey
Your advice was the missing puzzle piece I needed to complete my understanding—thank you for fitting it perfectly
I am soooooo glad! Warmly, Honey
Beautifully said—love takes patience, empathy, and boundaries, but it’s often worth the effort.
Thank you very much. Have a happy Spring. Warmly, Honey