Let’s talk about something that is a far bigger problem than most people realize — loneliness. What is loneliness? “It is the discrepancy between what you have and what you want from your relationships,” says neuroscientist Stephanie Cacioppo.

You can be in a crowd and feel lonely. To ward off loneliness, you have to pinpoint why you are dissatisfied and work at addressing the reasons. Until you do it has been proven that you will feel invisible, isolated, and left out. The problem is universal.

The first step is to thine own self be true. Are you? I think it wise to sit down and do an honest appraisal and assess your needs. It is time to set this as a goal and take action.

THE LONELINESS EPIDEMIC

Living in Elsewhere under the guise of Covid 19 created a worldwide loneliness epidemic for people of all ages. Today’s Sunday story will touch on ways to ward off loneliness. Yes, I have times when I am lonely, too.

A few evenings ago around 6:00 pm I was putting on my make-up and listening to the world news. I heard the newscaster say, “The biggest epidemic facing our society is loneliness.” I stopped applying my mascara and looked up at my TV screen and listened intently because I was thinking of myself and you.

The newscaster did not pinpoint loneliness to one age group; he said, loneliness is affecting all age groups. A few evenings later I heard another report that 4 out of 10 college students are facing loneliness. I was very surprised that loneliness made the evening world news report but not surprised that it was of epidemic proportion.

For those of you who are facing loneliness, I suggest working harder to connect with others. Women you are genuinely attracted to — who bring true joy into your life. When you do not feel a connection, it is time to stop spending your time with that woman or a group of women.

TWO CAMPS OF WOMEN — WHERE DO YOU FALL?

I have been thinking about the pattern of a woman’s life — my own included. I have talked to women of all ages and walks of life, who found themselves grappling to evolve into a new rhythm after the age of 50. Their needs have changed. They want to make adjustments with new relationships. I was happily surprised that my view was not unique.

Not all women are searching for a new pattern of living. Many women are content with their lives and managing well. Perhaps they have found their answer or perhaps they have decided, because of age, to settle into a comfortable routine and just be. I am not a therapist — this is just my thought.

Who is lonelier? The woman searching or the content woman who wants to ‘just be?’ I don’t know the answer but if I had to guess I would say both types.

Part of me was feeling that something in my life was missing so I began my quest for a new pattern of living. I wanted to make an adjustment. Do you feel the same?

When I lived in Honolulu, I was across the street from the ocean. Lying in bed each night I could hear the sound of the sea. The waves spoke to me with these words — patience, patience, patience — as they gently rolled in and out. I miss my days in Honolulu where I learned the value of patience. To take my time climbing the stairs until one day after huffing and puffing, I reach my goal.

I mention patience because when one begins a quest for a new pattern of living, one that will ward off loneliness, it always takes patience. Knowing the ‘real’ you in you and then finding avenues to attain your goal.

THE INNER ME

I am a small-town girl from Kankakee by the Sea. I say small-town girl because what I feel within has nothing to do with how I ‘look’ and the luck I have living a charmed life with my Ultimate Concierge.

My outer look and my lifestyle are the frosting on the cake. The inner me is the substance that holds the frosting in place so to speak! Often times I feel women don’t feel my authentic presence.

My growing up years in Kankakee by the Sea in a middle class town with a large family, who had the highest of values, taught me well. The inner me has middle class stability and not the falseness of the elite. Thank goodness. I probably don’t portray this feeling to the outside world but that is the ‘real’ me. And, I don’t have a clue why I don’t.

WHAT MY HEART SEEKS

I tell you this because I want to set the stage of what my life feels like now. As a woman far over the age of 50, I seek women who think like I think, and lend something of themselves to my needs. Women who pique my fancy.

A woman who is firstly sincerely warm and caring. A woman who lacks envy, an authentic woman who does not care to do a one-up with me. I seek a woman who accepts my frailties, and a woman who enjoys what I enjoy and yet adds a new flavor to the 31 flavors already available at Baskin Robbins. I am looking for the 32nd flavor!

Why? A few weeks ago, I was in the company of a 96-year-old woman who is still in business! Swear!!! An off-the-cuff comment caught my attention. She said she found many women settle into a comfortable lifestyle after a certain age. They are content to live each day in a comfortable way.

I am not that woman and will not be until the day I drop! Period. I get excited about everything! Still, I ponder over everything. Or look for serendipity to tap tap tap my shoulder, or help a friend find a caregiver. I share with pleasure everything and I find joy in helping everyone.

This is not me looking for approval or bragging. It is my small-town girl mentality. I don’t hide behind a mask — I don’t know how! All this to say … I am searching for new women friends who parallel my way of thinking. Now I am at a point where I want to share my time with women who don’t hide, who show vulnerability and don’t pretend ‘everything is marvelous.’ In other words, I am done with the drama. I want a woman friend who is the real McCoy. They can take me as I am or … let me be. Period.

HOW I CONFRONTED LONELINESS

I moved to Chicago from Honolulu in my 40’s. I married my Ultimate Concierge. Then I lived six months of the year in California and six months in Chicago until the pandemic.

My lifestyle in California gave me the opportunity to bond with female friends. Chicago was different because my Ultimate Concierge and I traveled in and out of the city during the six months we lived in our condo-in-the-sky. I do have several close acquaintances in the city but decided about a year ago I wanted to expand my horizons. My wish is to spend time with women from all walks of life who are open to curiosity and have a continuous bloom.

This took my patience. I pondered and pondered over how I could reach out. I started climbing the stairs. Often, I fell back but I did not give up.

MY SERENDIPITY MOMENT

One day about a year ago I met Charlie in the elevator. He was carrying two loaves of bread! He asked if he could stop by our condo and gave us a loaf hot out of the oven. Charlie told me he baked daily! He stayed for an hour talking to my Ultimate Concierge and me.

During the course of the conversation, he mentioned he had Salons in his apartment. He invited friends in for wine and cheese, to listen to music, or hear a speaker. My serendipitous moment appeared. I was entranced. Because I love my groups! And, on honeygood.com I am planning on opening to my large following of women over 50 none other than an Enlightenment Salon!!! It is already written.

HOW I AM CLIMBING THE STAIRS OUT OF LONELINESS

Today I am on Charlie’s social committee for our condominium. We plan events for the people who live in the building. And, guess, what? My Ultimate Concierge and I are hosting the first one! And, guess what else?! I have already played mahjong ( I am the worst player but love the flowers and joker tiles) twice with women on the committee. In addition I have rekindled a friendship with another woman who branded Build a Bear, Baskin in Robins, and several other companies. Right up my alley of interest. She is also a potter and gave me one of her pieces (pictured above) when I visited with her this week in her condo.

I am on a roll, darling. This has taken over a year to find my niche. Again and again I have afforded myself the opportunity to meet new women who I hope will light up my life! I climbed the stairs. I looked for my opportunity. And I asked to join a committee. Now I am happily content.

LOOKING BACK

The world has totally changed and so have the lives of everyone of us, including myself. During Covid there was an overabundance of solitude and when it ended a panic set in on how to fill our lives again. I asked myself, “How do I fill up my empty cup as I enter a total reorientation?”

The Covid experience reminds me of how it felt when I became an empty nester and a young widow. These were the times I felt I had to refind my center of gravity. I had to find my true center, alone. These were times marked with loneliness and self-growth. Growth is an awareness that is painful but it leads you to reach your answer.

BE SELECTIVE TO WARD OFF LONELINESS

There is a difference between the trivial and the important. One does not need several people or activities to ward off loneliness. Choose people and activities that make your heart sing. This will take effort. Nothing good happens by accident. You have to have a goal and climb the stairs.

Everything and anything is possible. It is up to you to take on the challenge. No, it is not easy. It takes time to analyze what fulfills you. Often times you have to analyze the life you are leading and make adjustments. Like I did.

How to move forward if you are lonely:

• Admit you are lonely: Not coming to terms stops your chance to do something about your feelings.
• Simplicity is the spice of a good life:  Our lives are overcrowded with too many people and too much stuff. It is often hard to decipher the appropriate path to ward off loneliness. Set aside sufficient time to be quiet, to think, to look at the stars, to challenge yourself in the quiet of the day. Make a list of the type of woman and group you would like to add to your life. This takes patience.
• You are one of millions of lonely women: The writing is on the wall. Loneliness is an epidemic.
• Stave off a monotonous diet: What do I mean? We tend to select people like ourselves. We select the known; not the unknown. I have learned that the unknown woman is the most inciting and enriching.  
• Grow: Does pottery-making interest you? Might you take classes at your university or begin piano lessons? Join a walking group or book club. Or join a social committee like I did. (Here’s a recent roundup article I did with lots of new hobby ideas!)
• False set of values:  A false set of values is front and center in today’s world. To ward off loneliness choose people and join groups that show quality over quantity, silence over noise, thoughts over words.

We all have signposts in our heads that point us in the right direction. A loneliness signpost is a reminder that something is off in our social environment and it is time to take a new turn. You are the driver of your ship. September is around the corner. The perfect month to a new start. Put on your thinking cap and escape the loneliness syndrom. You can do this with knowing the real you in you, patience, and drive. Age is just a number. I swear.

ARE YOU LONELY LIKE THE REST OF US? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS IF YOU’RE COMMITTED TO WORK ON IT. I LOVE HEARING FROM YOU! WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER.

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