I decided to muse on the idea of giving back. Women who enjoy giving to others are often happier because we notice and feel the needs of our families, friends, coworkers, and sometimes even complete strangers. I am sure you already have a mental list of the people you care for, worry about, and happily give your time and energy to.

But, Darling, I am quite certain you did not put yourself on that list. For many women, especially those of us raised to believe that a “good woman” puts everyone else first, giving back to yourself can feel uncomfortable or even selfish. We learned to care for everyone around us long before anyone taught us the importance of caring for ourselves.

That is why I have come to believe self care for women is not indulgent. It is necessary. Giving back to yourself does not mean caring less about the people you love. Quite the opposite. When your own well is not empty, you have more clarity, patience, energy, and love to offer everyone else.

Self Care for Women Means Making Room for Yourself

A very close friend phoned me recently. We live in different cities, so we do not see one another as often as I would like. She had just returned from a family cruise, and somewhere during that trip she had an aha moment. She realized that her time mattered just as much as everyone else.

Before the family cruise, a friend had invited her on another cruise during the winter. She wanted to go, but she turned down the invitation because she felt she should put her family first. After her summer experience, she reconsidered. She called her friend, changed her answer, booked her ticket, and told me she felt absolutely marvelous about her decision. She had finally given herself permission to give back to herself.

I understood exactly what she meant because I have spent much of my life doing the same thing. For years, putting myself first did not feel like an option. It took experience, soul-searching, and age for me to understand that caring for yourself, without ego or narcissism, is one of the healthiest things a woman can do. Giving yourself permission to protect your well-being is not abandoning the people you love. It is acknowledging that you matter, too.

When Giving to Others Comes at a Cost

I remember one year when my Ultimate Concierge had a business meeting in Panama. Wherever he went, I went. Unfortunately, the meeting fell during the same week one of my grands was graduating from high school. The graduation was an important family milestone, so we decided to leave Panama early and fly to Arizona to be there for the celebration.

Then the adventure began. Storms delayed us at the Panama airport for seven hours. We finally arrived in Miami after midnight, only to discover that our preferred hotels were full. We hauled ourselves and all our luggage onto a bus, traveled to a rather dingy neighborhood, and spent what remained of the night in a motel. At 4:00 a.m., we were up again to catch our 7:00 a.m. flight to Arizona.

Was I glad we attended the graduation? Of course I was. Would I put myself through that exact experience again? Darling, I wonder! Age has taught me that love does not require us to say yes to absolutely everything. Sometimes self care for women means recognizing that our time, bodies, energy, and limits deserve a seat at the decision making table.

Giving Back to Yourself Is Not Selfish

I still believe wholeheartedly in the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. But over the years, I have added a caveat. I also try to do unto myself with the same kindness and consideration I so freely extend to other people.

Nurturing yourself is neither selfish nor narcissistic. Self love is a mindset and a practice. It can mean recognizing your needs honestly, protecting your energy, setting boundaries, paying attention to your physical and emotional health, and speaking to yourself with compassion rather than criticism. We spend an enormous amount of time monitoring what everyone around us needs. Imagine what might happen if we occasionally turned some of that attention inward.

This matters for women of all ages. We all need to remain healthy in mind, body, and spirit. When you give yourself permission to become the healthiest and most grounded version of yourself, you are better able to give to those you love. Personal growth takes patience, but it also requires accepting one simple truth: you are worthy of the care you so willingly give everyone else.

My Morning Rituals Are a Form of Self Care

One of the simplest ways I give back to myself is through my early morning walks with America. At the end of each walk, we climb the 50 steps to the top of the Museum of Contemporary Art. From that vantage point, I pause. I notice the city beginning another day, listen to the sounds around us, and allow my thoughts to wander wherever they need to go.

Those walks create space for me to listen inwardly as well as outwardly. I notice what I am feeling instead of immediately rushing toward the next responsibility. America hugs my body as my beloved Orchid once did, and for a few precious moments I am simply present. There is no assignment and no one I need to please. There is just America, me, and the morning.

I also give back to myself by writing. Early in the morning, I climb out of bed and put my thoughts on the page. Writing helps me understand my feelings, clear my head, and sometimes discover an answer I did not know I was searching for. Darling, you may not be a writer, but I encourage you to find something that belongs to you, whether it is gardening, painting, walking, reading, cooking, or learning something entirely new. A hobby or career that feeds your spirit is not wasted time. It is nourishment.

Surround Yourself With People Who Nourish You

Another important part of self care is being thoughtful about who has access to your time and energy. I surround myself with compassionate, supportive people whom I respect. Their presence nourishes me from the inside out because healthy relationships should leave us feeling respected, understood, and valued.

I have also learned to pay attention to boundaries and expectations. Not everyone belongs in every chapter of our lives. I try to choose relationships that align with my values and respond to people in ways that protect my own well being without losing my kindness. Age has made me much more selective about this.

I also live by what I call the five second rule. In about five seconds, a woman often knows whether she feels in sync with another woman. There is an instinctive recognition, and I have learned to trust mine. Giving back to yourself sometimes means allowing yourself to move toward the people who make you feel more like yourself and away from those who continually drain you.

Taking Care of My Body Gives Me More Life

I give back to myself physically, too. I lift weights, stretch, and walk America. I eat plenty of vegetables and fish and take a few vitamins. None of this is about chasing perfection. I want my body to remain strong enough to participate fully in my own life.

I also try to protect my energy by staying organized, getting enough rest, and paying attention when my body tells me it needs something. As women, we can become so accustomed to pushing through exhaustion that we stop noticing how depleted we are. The body eventually sends a bill for everything we ignore.

Self care for women does not have to mean elaborate routines, expensive treatments, or transforming your entire life. Sometimes it is a walk. Sometimes it is sleep. Sometimes it is eating something nourishing, moving your body, making the doctor’s appointment you have been postponing, or simply saying, “Not today.” Small actions, repeated consistently, can change the way you feel about yourself.

I Choose the Positive Side of Life

I have always tried to walk on the positive side of life. I stay cool, calm, and collected most of the time, except when technology enters the room! Even then, I try to laugh.

A positive outlook does not mean pretending pain, frustration, anger, or disappointment do not exist. Those emotions are part of being alive, and I have certainly experienced all of them. Self care means giving yourself enough compassion to acknowledge those feelings without allowing them to control your entire story.

It also means knowing when to stop giving at your own expense. Stay true to your soul. Listen when something inside you says you are tired, hurt, overwhelmed, or simply in need of a little space. We can remain loving women without disappearing inside everyone‘s needs.

Love Is Also a Way I Give Back to Myself

One of the most important ways I have given back to myself throughout my marriage is by putting my Ultimate Concierge at the center of my life. Some women may find that surprising because we often talk about self care as something we do alone. I see it differently.

For me, loving my husband and being loved deeply in return has always nourished me. Too often, mothers and grandmothers put their adult children, grandchildren, careers, responsibilities, and endless lists ahead of the person with whom they chose to build a life. When you have a loving and respectful partnership, nurturing that bond is also nurturing yourself.

There is tremendous comfort in being loved, respected, protected, understood, and known. Creating rituals that strengthen a marriage or partnership is a form of emotional self care because love fills us in ways few other things can. And, Darlings, nothing beats love.

Put Yourself on Your Own List

Giving back to yourself does not require a complete reinvention. It begins by noticing where you have disappeared from your own life. Perhaps you need more solitude. Perhaps you need movement, friendship, creativity, adventure, boundaries, sleep, or simply an afternoon when nobody needs anything from you.

The answer will look different for every woman, and it will change as your life changes. What gave me joy at 40 is not necessarily what nourishes me today. That is why self care requires listening to yourself instead of following someone else’s prescription for what a fulfilling life should look like.

So, Darling, add yourself to your list of charities. Pay yourself with time, attention, kindness, and care. Allow a new shoot to grow from your bloom and remember that giving back to beautiful you is not selfish. It is one of the ways you ensure that there is still plenty of beautiful you left to give.

How do you make yourself a priority in your life? What practices help you give back to yourself? I would love to hear your ideas in the comments below.