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“Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy, you must have somebody or something to divide it with.” – Mark Twain

Mark Twain’s quote helped give me back some hope. It will also give those who have lost hope a positive outlook. And, for those of you living a life of joy, tuck this quote away in case the day arises when you may find solace and hope in reading it. People need people.

Grief is love living. This concept suggests that grief is deeply intertwined with the love experienced during a relationship, encouraging individuals to honor both the pain of loss and the enduring affection for the deceased.

A week ago, I wrote my Sunday Story about family loss caused by adult children estranging themselves from their mothers and grandmothers and the loss of my ultimate concierge’s health. For those of you who read my musing, you know these two issues led me down a path that I never expected. I lost hope. I felt alone. And, I grieved.

When a woman grieves, it is because she loves. Grief from loss is love.

I felt myself falling down a rabbit hole so fast it knocked my positive breath away. When I landed at the bottom of the rabbit hole, I lay there smothered in grief brought on by loss with no hope of a joyful future.

No family and an ill husband with no chance of recovery— I was mired in grief because I am a woman who loves deeply. I was mired in grief because I could not find the power to paint a pretty picture of the future. Plainly put, I was stuck in a rabbit hole. I lay there deciding I had to live into a positive answer.

Introduction to Grief

Grief is a complex and multifaceted emotion that can be overwhelming, especially for a person recently experiencing a significant loss. According to Marisa Renee Lee, a bestselling author and former appointee in the Obama White House, grief’s complicated feelings can be difficult to navigate. However, by understanding the initial stages and emotions associated with grief, individuals can begin to create space for proper healing. Lee elegantly offers wisdom on how to defiantly claim space for grief, allowing individuals to process their emotions and move forward. The journey of grief is unique to each person, and it’s essential to acknowledge that grief is love, as Jamie Anderson so eloquently puts it, “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot.” By recognizing this, individuals can begin to make sense of their feelings and start the healing process.

Understanding the initial stages and emotions associated with grief.

Is There a Disconnect?

Until a short time ago, I never wondered about your perception of me. I was speaking with a businessman interested in how I ran my website.

He reviewed HoneyGood.com, my social media channels, and my stories and remarked, “I perceive you as a glam and worldly woman when I look at your photos on your website and Instagram. But when I read your stories, I was touched by your vulnerability and honesty. Your inner thoughts don’t match your outer style. There is a disconnect.”

He was correct — it appears that I don’t match! The inner feelings of Honey Good and the outer appearance of Honey Good don’t seem to be in alignment.

However, I am in alignment because a woman’s outer style does not have to match her writing style as long as both are authentic. I am as genuine as the day is long.

A few days later, I lived into one of my answers. I now understood why I could not recover from the grief of loss brought to my doorstep by my estranged adult children. For the past eight years, I thought my grief from loss was centered around each person in my large family but I was wrong. I am grieving the loss of my entire family as a whole. I am a Captain without a ship. Dealing with the complex emotions of grief is challenging, but acknowledging and confronting these feelings is essential.

Understanding how to deal with grief is crucial. It is important to fully experience how one feels during the grieving process, as it relates to love and loss.

Understanding the Concept of Grief

Grief is a natural response to loss, and it can manifest in different ways, including sadness, anger, and hope. Marisa Renee Lee, the co-founder of the digital platform Supportal and founder of The Pink Agenda, a national organization dedicated to raising money for breast cancer care and research, understands the complexities of grief. Through her own experiences, including the loss of her mother to breast cancer, Lee has gained unique insights into the grieving process. She emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and validating one’s feelings, rather than trying to suppress or deny them. By doing so, individuals can begin to understand the true definition of grief and its effects on their daily lives. The concept of grief is not limited to the loss of a loved one; it can also be applied to other significant losses, such as the loss of a relationship or a diagnosis of a serious illness like multiple sclerosis.

Exploring the multifaceted nature of grief and its effects on individuals.

You Must Live Into Your Answers for a Beautiful and Joyful Life

Dear sweet readers who struggle with estrangement of any type, your goal is to live into your answer. Do not be hard on yourself because grief does not vanish overnight. Everyone has to go through personal pain to find a resolution to free themselves of unimaginable emotional pain. And, then, gradually return to a life filled with contentment and joy.

Grief can last forever and is a continuous journey, with memories and feelings of longing persisting over time.

It has taken me eight years! I ask myself if my pain will completely go away. The answer is, of course not, but it will be in the back of my mind — no longer the front.

How did I find a way to shift my attention from the loss of each individual to a family unit? Thinking over many sleepless nights!

Two Families, One Love

I owe the love of family to both sides of my family and my Kankakee by the Sea family.

I am a small-town girl from Kankakee by the Sea who grew up on my father’s side in a larger-than-life family with cousins, aunts and uncles, and fabulous and interesting grandparents. I am part of that mold. Growing up in a large, interesting family in Kankakee by the Sea provided me with many soulful moments and determined qualities — including wanderlust — that eventually allowed me to explore all that life had to offer.

As a black woman, I have experienced unique challenges and perspectives related to grief, shaped by systemic racism and generational trauma. These experiences provide a necessary and often overlooked perspective in grief literature.

My Kankakee family and the town played a significant role in defining my character and wants. Above all, I loved and felt pride in being a member of the Lang family. I was raised with this motto: Family first. My family meant everything to me.

My mother’s side of the family lived in Chicago.

We visited often. I adored everyone. I have pieces of them in every room of our condo in the sky, reminding me daily of a lesson they instilled in me or a fond loving memory.

My Chicago grandparents, aunts, and uncles were a very tight-knit family and loved each other to their core. My mother had a sister and brother who talked daily. I always felt loved by my family. I returned their love with all the love I could muster. When I was with my Chicago family, I felt smothered in love.

This is the reason I am grieving — the loss of family. From early childhood, I have known the depth and feelings of family love. To lose one’s entire family is a magnitude of loss. If I had never experienced family love, it would have made the estrangement easier over the past 8 years.

The experiences of Black women as they navigate grief are particularly complex, influenced by the intersection of systemic racism and personal loss. These societal factors add layers to the grieving process, making it a unique and profound journey.

With answers, I can now create a change of my liking.

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The Impact of Grief

Grief can have a profound impact on our daily lives and relationships. It can affect our ability to function, our relationships with others, and our overall well-being. Marisa Renee Lee, the managing director of My Brother’s Keeper Alliance, highlights the importance of creating space for grief and allowing oneself to feel the emotions associated with loss. By doing so, individuals can begin to heal and move forward. The impact of grief can be significant, and it’s essential to acknowledge that grief is a journey, not a destination. Lee’s compassionate prose and personal story offer a beautiful and joyful life, despite the significant losses she has experienced. Her husband, Matt, and son, Bennett, have been a source of support and comfort, and her dog, Sadie, has been a constant companion. Through her story, Lee shows that grief is not something to be feared or avoided; rather, it’s an opportunity to grow, learn, and love more deeply. By understanding the impact of grief, individuals can begin to navigate their grief journey with more ease and find a way to live a beautiful and joyful life, even in the midst of significant loss.

Examining how grief affects our daily lives and relationships.

I Will Recapture Joy in My Grief Journey

With sadness but profound relief, I am considering my options for climbing out of the rabbit hole of grief. I will recapture joy. And, I can and will replace my immediate family with a new type of family. Who knows where or what kind? But I will because I want to. I want to stop grieving. I wish to revive the personality of the joyful Susan Honey Good again. I don’t want anyone to rob me of my cheerful self. And, sweet reader, I won’t.

It is important to give oneself permission to grieve, as it is a natural response to love and loss.

Sweet reader, you must go through the pain of grief and loss to live into your answer. No one can escape this chapter.

It is hard work. It is sad. It is scary. It is part of life.

Please understand what I mean by saying, “I will find a new family.” What I mean is ‘another’ family to replace the one I lost.

Taking Solace in the Family I Have

I have my dearest friend and loving husband, Sheldon F. Good. I am grateful yet filled with constant worry. Losing loved ones is an emotional complexity that I constantly navigate. I am doing everything in my power to keep him beside me. As most of you know, he has a form of vascular dementia brought on by silent strokes over the years.

Over the past year, I believe I have used every resource I can to keep him stable, and I think I have accomplished my mission. He is, above all, loved. He has speech therapy seven days a week for the mind and physical therapy seven days a week for the brain. His blood pressure is monitored daily to keep it low to prevent a stroke; he is on a vitamin regime, and he has his headsets to listen to music because music never leaves the mind.

And..and…and. I find joy and self-respect as his wife. We are very much in sync and always talk about our love.

In addition to that, I have a wonderful and loving family — the Goods’ and I thank my lucky stars for them. I love them, and they love me! Scott, Katie, and their boys, Logan, Annie, David, and Jami Good, are a part of me. Unfortunately, they live in  New York, Idaho, California, and Texas—no weekly dinners or hugs and kisses.

And, of course, I am blessed with my soft-coated Wheaten terrier, America Good, who covers my face during the day and night with licks.

Fortunately and essential — I no longer harbor anger towards my immediate family.

From “Let Them” to Surrender

I read a book called “The Let Them Theory” on the New York Times best-seller list. The title did not appeal to me because I know the feelings of estrangement. The book’s title sounds angry and even nonchalant. Estrangement is not a nonchalant chapter in a woman’s life.

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Each type of Estrangement is complex and cuts to the core of a woman’s mind and heart. I prefer the word Surrender. It is decisive and final. You feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted from your shoulders. You are finally surrendering to your toxic situation. This is empowering. You can now replace a poisonous situation with one that fills your cup with joy and productivity. Amen.

I have a suggestion for those of you who are grieving. Remember that everything is created in our minds before manifesting itself in our outer world. There is no timetable for an answer. It took me eight years to realize I did not miss people who disappointed me. I missed the warm and delicious ‘feeling’ of family. But now, I am free! I will pursue my aspirations and find my pot of gold at the end of my rainbow—my next chapter is down the road. So is yours. I am smiling.

Remember: Your grief is love. The idea that grief is fundamentally rooted in love can help you navigate personal loss while maintaining bonds with those who have passed away.

Do you lean more towards “Let Them” or “Surrender?” Please share with me why in the comments.

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