ASK HONEY – ADVICE FOR WOMEN OVER 50
JANUARY 23, 2020
The way in which two or more people or things are connected and the way in which one tells a story, tells you there are all types of relationships.
Some are heavenly. Some are toxic. And then there are several different types of relationships in between. Without relationships, we would not have a society or World Wars! So tread smartly and carefully when choosing new relationships and tread gently when ending some you have not enjoyed for a while.
A GRANDWOMAN knows herself. She knows exactly what makes her tick. She stays true to herself and makes a conscious choice when she invites a new person or endeavor of any kind into her life.
Mary Ann Asks:
I Loved this and needed to hear these things. My husband and I went through some very difficult times with his health, mine, and our marriage. I am happy to say we weathered all those storms and are doing better than ever. For various reasons, there are a few friends that have made it clear they do not want a relationship with my husband. There are times in social situations where they have been plain rude. These were friends for 40 years that we have so much history with. I was crushed and hurt. My husband is hurt. I finally got to a point where I felt I must move on but it’s very difficult. I’m in a better place with this than 6 months ago. Any other words of wisdom? Thank you, Honey!
– Mary Ann
Dear Mary Ann,
You seem like a GRANDWOMAN with moxie to me. You saved the most important relationship… your marriage. I applaud you!
Relationships. Connections. Associations… call the connection between two or more people whatever you want knowing that one thing is for certain… a relationship can be over the top marvelous or it can cause a person to feel the depths of despair.
The most important relationship you have is intact: your marriage. You worked on your marriage during hard times and survived. That is very special and the premier relationship that counts. You can have the greatest friendships but without a good marriage, you will not be happy.
On to the relationship with people you call your friends for 40 years. I have no idea what ‘various reasons’ means so it is difficult to give you a just answer.
Depending on what ‘various reasons’ mean and how deep a friendship you thought you had, here are a few examples of what you might do.
- My husband comes first. If he is not happy, ‘we’ are not happy. I would stop spending time with people who do not care for my husband. And, I would tell my husband, “You are the cream in my coffee.”
- If you think the ‘various reasons’; warrant a discussion I would invite my supposed friend out for lunch or meet her at a Starbucks and over coffee listen to what she has to say. And, then I would go home and think very hard about the conversation.
- I don’t know your lifestyle but I do know there are other couples to seek out. Make the effort. Join a group! Wine, travel, movie, cards. You can have new adventures… new relationships! Refreshing!
I am sorry you and your husband were hurt. Just remember: With relationships between people anything goes! Fathers and sons stop talking. Parents and children stop talking. Best friends stop talking. Business partnerships fall apart. Marriages end in divorce.
You’ve got your guy and he’s got you. That is the most important relationship. Cherish it.
My adult daughter depends on me to rescue her when she makes a mistake or has a problem. For example, she will party with her friends and spend money on clothes instead of paying her rent on time. She works, but I have spoiled her by always saying yes to all her wants so she knows I will bail her out. Honey, I don’t know how to stop doing things for my daughter. I love her and don’t want her to get upset with me but I want to live the life of an empty nester with my husband. I am afraid she is going to ask to move back home. What can I do?
It is time to give your daughter the nudge she needs to become an independent adult. I don’t think it will be too difficult a problem because she has a job and doesn’t live at home (yet) like over 40% of young people do today.
Have a conversation with her when there she is not in crisis mode. Explain to her you know you are intervening in her life too much; you are struggling with this situation and you are working to change this about yourself for her welfare. This will give her a heads-up to think the next time she wants to come to you for help.
Tell her you remember when you were her age, and how her grandmother made you work through your challenges and how satisfied you felt when you acted in a responsible manner and accomplished something hard.
It will be difficult to change your habit when she gets upset and begs you to rescue her or threatens not to talk to you. The ball is in your court to change your behavior. Do it for her sake.
Make her a responsible young woman who learns to save her money for her rent and then party with friends and shop with what is left. She will learn how to handle her money and herself in a responsible way when she has to suffer the consequences.
The ball is in your court. You are driving the ship. Don’t take a detour.
We are all GRANDWOMEN with moxie, and we need to stick together. If you have a question for next week, please ask it in the form below.