Ask Honey – Advice For Women Over 50
February 7, 2020
The passionate woman with enthusiasm is a much happier woman than the woman who gets stuck in her own negativity when problems arise. Everyone feels low and blue when problems arise. If you want to communicate with another person for help but shy away because you are embarrassed to show your vulnerability, remember that person has his or her complications to deal with in life. Vulnerability is your strength, not your weakness. When a woman is able to show her imperfections to others she is really quite powerful, passionate and enthusiastic about who she is.
February, the month of love, is the month to say to yourself, “I am going to solve what is on my plate with passion and enthusiasm. I am going to ask others for help and show my vulnerability. I am going to be kind and loving to myself because if I am, I will be able to be kind and loving to others.” That is the model of a GRANDWOMAN with moxie.
Now enjoy this week’s, “Ask Honey” my Darlings.
My question is about my new romance for 10 weeks now. He’s married and his wife has dementia and is in the hospital. He’s dedicated but not about to divorce her! I understand! Is this going anywhere or am I getting strung along for just a friendship? I totally love the good companionship we have right now! He adores me and I him! Sex is fabulous but he is impotent so we choose other ways!
Women are very intuitive souls. Our ‘inner being’ senses our positive and negative feelings. Your message expresses that he adores you. Be passionate about trusting your intuitions, it knows!
I can sense you feel somewhat vulnerable. Remember, your beau is married in name only due to his wife’s illness. He chose you out of all the rest. It is important that you are respectful of his situation for his sake and the sake of your relationship. Come to terms with the fact that he will not leave his wife. This is not a reflection on you. It reflects on him… that he is a good man with good values. You are filling an important void in his life. He misses love and companionship. Keep your relationship alive with enthusiasm and passion. Remember the woman is the elixir in every relationship. She brings magic. I am smiling.
I felt as though you were speaking the beliefs I hold so close in my heart! I have loved handwritten notes my entire life. When my Grandmother passed to the other side of the veil, I found all the cards and letters I had written neatly tied with a green satin ribbon. This showed me the immense value of handwritten letters and cards.
I too passed this on to my two daughters. I started at an early age teaching them. My oldest daughter just got married. When I asked her why she was delayed in sending thank you notes her reply was, “I’m taking time to choose my words carefully so each person will know how honored I was they attended my wedding, and how much I appreciate their gift”. I had tears in my eyes and such a sense of pride knowing she valued the power of the written word just as her Mother, Grandmother, and Great Grandmother did.
I am saddened to see this disappearing in our society. I have thought about starting writing circles where you had a specific time to take an hour to write notes, letters or just journal your thoughts. I would welcome any thoughts on how to start this!
Much love to you, Honey, for fearlessly sharing your thoughts, vision, wisdom and the inside of your heart.
I like your idea of starting a writing circle. It is important to ask yourself how strong your desire is to put together a group of women to form your circle. What is your goal? Do you have the time to commit to leading a group? Are you passionate and enthusiastic about being the leader of a new group? If you can answer yes to those questions write a mission statement, i.e., the purpose and the parameters of starting a writer’s circle of women.
Passion arouses an intense desire and enthusiasm that propels us into action. My first group started when I heard a woman in her early 70’s tell the six of us she felt invisible. I was taken aback when the other women exposed their thoughts of feeling invisible as well. These women were very attractive, educated, involved with their families and communities and yet felt invisible. The reason was related to ageism. After three weeks of thinking I felt passionate about starting my first group. I knew women wanted to discuss the passages they were entering and I felt passionate about starting a group. We are now in our 4th season. Passion, purpose, and enthusiasm are key to enjoying a happy life.
My second group was realized when I felt passionate and enthusiastic about starting a multigenerational group of women for the purpose of showing women of different ages that connections between different generations were fruitful. That women in their 70’s could have close friendships with women in their 40’s and visa versa. The ages in this group varied from 28 to 97 years old. It was a roaring success. The older women wanted to learn technology and beauty secrets and new lifestyles and the younger women wanted to ‘learn everything,’ except technology, from the older women!
The parameters I set up for my first group were the time, 10:00 am to noon, the place, my home, we would meet once monthly on the first Wednesday of the month and I would send out a monthly reminder. I would have an agenda. There was one rule; everything discussed between the women stayed within the four walls of the meetup. The parameters were the same for the second group except the time was in the evening.
I did not include best friends. Some women knew one another casually and others not at all. This worked very well. I choose women with varied interests, careers, personalities, but they all were communicators and enthusiastic.
My multinational group was written up in the New York Times. Multigenerational groups are delightful, fascinating, enlightening and truly, joyful.
I was thinking about the make-up of your writing group. It could be a multigenerational group of grandmothers and grandchildren, mothers and daughters and women of many different ages or it can be a group of women of the same age who would enjoy the experience.
The rest of the plan I leave in your hands. Remember, women need women and women love groups. It is such a lovely idea. Writing will provoke conversation and ideas will flow back and forth and if I lived near you… I would love to be invited into your group!
You asked me a question and I became passionate and enthusiastic about giving you more than just a mere answer. Sprinkling enthusiasm and passion into your mission statement will spread desire throughout your writer’s circle. Go for it.
I had been married twice and both were narcs, the second one even worse than the first. He was extremely controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive. I finally left. I forgot to mention that I am disabled with Lupus, RA, Fibromyalgia, CFS and a multitude of other medical conditions.
After being divorced from him for 6 years, I met the love of my life… my soulmate. I have never been treated the way he treated me with so much love, compassion, and respect. He was what I had been looking for all my life. We met when I was 59, I thought I was too old for that to happen… I am now 62. I can’t get into everything because it would take too long but I was in Heaven. 5 days ago my world came crashing down… without any warning or explanation, he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Without getting into a personal issue he has, I know for a fact there is no one else. He had even asked me to marry him this past Summer and I said yes of course.
Now I am feeling pain like I had never experienced in my life. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat… I don’t want to talk to anyone. I feel so lost and alone… I just don’t know what to do. All I do is cry and cry some more… at times I feel like I can’t go on. I’ve had so many losses the past four years… my mom, my best friend I grew up with, and 2 very close friends I’ve known for 20 years. I’ve also lost 4 of my precious cats I raised from kittens. I want to be with my mom and best friend so badly… not feel this excruciating pain anymore.
Thank you, Honey!
You are experiencing what every woman experiences after a shocking and devastating breakup. Coupled with your other loses I can totally sympathize with you.
I suggest you join a Loss or Grieving Group. I want you to muster up all of your passion and enthusiasm to reach out to help yourself.
When you find the right group that fits your comfort level you will be able to express your feelings. You will have others to help you through this devastating time in your life. You will understand you are not alone. You will make new acquaintances. This is a win-win for you.
Do your research in order to find the right group to meet your needs. Call a church or several churches. If they don’t have a Loss or Grieving Group ask them if they know of one. Don’t stop until you find the right place that will give you comfort from this storm.
Put on your lipstick and go to Paws and bring home a new kitty who will warm your heart while you are recovering!
Jane Doe Asks:
I appreciated your story about graying/silver hair. Yours is beautiful and I’m wondering if growing it out instead of coloring was a journey for you? Did you find that the colors you wear changed as your gray/silver starting coming in? I was introduced to you in watching your recent interview with Andrea Pflaumer.
It was definitely a journey! My problem was growing the length of my hair. On the suggestion of a hairstylist several years ago, I cut my long hair into a buzz cut! Therefore, my color was natural as I let my hair grow. I think your problem is your hair will be two-toned while you are growing out your natural grey.
I do have a solution for you. If you are passionate about finding a solution for any problem, you will eventually fall into an answer.
What was my answer that can be your answer?
I bought two wigs that looked like my natural hair color and wore them until my hair was long! You can do the same thing while growing out your hair. You can also go to a wig shop and try on grey wigs. This will give you a heads up on the way you will look and feel about your new appearance. You want to feel enthusiastic as you go through the process.
I did change my makeup. I altered colors in my clothing. I changed some makeup and tend to wear more silver than gold jewelry. The hangers in my closet have nothing taupe, beige or any shade of brown hanging on them. In the makeup department, my eye goes to silver and plumb eye shadows and cranberry and red lipsticks. I adore gold jewelry but I tend to wear more silver in earrings and if the earrings have stones, I like Mother of Pearl, jade green and plum colors because they show with dark hair.
The wigs I bought were real hair and my saving grace. They were salt and pepper, long and beautiful. I don’t think they are as available now. But I will say they were worth the cost because they made me feel feminine, attractive and in love with my appearance. They gave me an enthusiastic feeling about my looks as I went through the long journey.
Good luck. I hope I helped.
We are all GRANDWOMEN with moxie, and we need to stick together. If you have a question for next week, please ask it in the form below.