The feeling of becoming invisible with age is more common than women admit. What often changes is not your presence or your value, but the way the world responds to you. And when the world responds differently, it can distort the way you feel about yourself. Here is the truth I want you to hold close: your external dimming does not mean your internal vitality has dimmed. In many cases, it has become sharper, more specific, and far less apologetic. That is verve.

Verve is that aliveness inside you. It is your panache, your spirit, your vigor, your ability to pull off life with self-assurance and flair. Verve is not a performance for applause. It is what rises when you stop performing for approval and start listening to your own pulse. And darling, one of the greatest forms of self care is refusing to hand your worth over to a room.

When You Feel Invisible

I want you to reflect for a moment and think about a time when you felt invisible. Maybe it was at a restaurant when the waiter looked past you, or at a gathering when the conversation drifted toward the younger women as if you were part of the furniture. Maybe it was at work, when your wisdom was overlooked, or in your own family, when your needs were assumed instead of asked. Darling, the sting is real, and it can make you question yourself in a way that is unfair.

So let me ask you gently: is it that you are unseen, or is it that you are no longer being viewed through the narrow lens of youth?

Losing that kind of attention can feel like grief, because it is a loss. But it can also make room for a deeper, more self-defined presence, one that does not rely on outside approval to exist. You no longer have to be a decoration. You get to be a woman of substance, taking up space with your thoughts, humor, values, opinions, and hard-earned wisdom. And here is the self care in it, darling: you get to decide what you are here for, and you get to choose to be visible to yourself first.

Where Verve Actually Lives

Verve appears when you stop performing and start noticing your own aliveness. If you are having trouble realizing your verve, here are a few grounded ways to find it again.

• Pay attention to what still sparks you: Verve shows up as energy: curiosity, opinions, humor, even irritation. What do you still care about enough to react to? That reaction is proof you are still alive and engaged.
• Notice how you move through the day when no one is watching: When you are alone choosing music, arranging your closet, thinking freely, that is the version of you that isn’t filtered. That version is often where verve lives most honestly.
• Reclaim your voice in small ways: Start expressing your opinion. In a conversation. In a text. In a journal. The more you use your voice, the more you feel your current return.
• Spend time with women who actually see you: Friends, communities, and new acquaintances who respond to your thoughts, not your appearance. Verve becomes more visible when it is mirrored back with substance.
• Help someone: Verve thrives in meaning. It does not need an audience to exist. When you give, you remember who you are. And darling, let me say this gently: sometimes self care is not rest. Sometimes it is reclamation. It is showing up in one small way that reminds you you still belong to yourself.

Verve in a Hard Season

I must tell you, it is not always easy to keep your verve when you are faced with an unpleasant new journey. But there are no “buts,” darling. You must. My ultimate concierge is living with late-stage dementia, and leaving him is never simple, even when he is stable and cared for. I did not want to leave his side. I did not want to travel solo. And yet, I had two speeches to deliver: one at the ZOA Florida Gala in Palm Beach, and another at the opening ZOA Women’s brunch.

So I pushed myself. I flew to Florida on the day I had to deliver my speech, making sure in my mind that he was stable and safe. I am now home, my ultimate concierge remained stable, and I feel good about my decision. Why am I telling you this? Because that was verve. Not because I was on a stage. But because I remembered I am still a woman who can step into the world, offer something meaningful, and return home with a fuller breath in her lungs. That is self care.

The Women Who Carry Verve

At the ZOA Women’s brunch, I met several women and enjoyed every single conversation. Most will remain acquaintances, which I think is important for every woman’s dossier, and some may become new friends. As I have written, it takes a woman a few seconds to know if there is a match. Sometimes she gets it wrong, but not often. I was drawn to these women for different reasons, but they all shared one thing in common: Verve.

Verve often enters our lives later than sooner because it takes time to mature and trust your authentic self. Have you taken time to think about the years you have spent learning, failing, growing, adapting, and refining your mental, spiritual, social, and emotional skills? If you have taken note of your verve, you have triumphed. It is what sets you apart from the crowd and gives you your quiet self-assurance. Other women notice the you in you, not the rings on your fingers. They know you arrived because you know who you are. To know the real you is to own yourself.

What Are You Saying to the World

You are telling other women that you trust your instincts. Your elegance does not come from the dress you are wearing. It comes from you, the woman inside your dress. Authenticity and inner elegance are verve. It is Sunday, the day of rest. Please take time to sit in a quiet space with mindful music playing in the background. Take a plunge into the corners of your mind and celebrate who you are. Take out your journal and pen and write your thoughts, keeping in mind you are a visible woman.

Your goal is to reveal what makes you a first-rate version of yourself. Take notes. Make bullet points. Write a poem. Write a story. Capture what gives you verve. It takes years of self growth to cultivate verve, but when you have it, you can say, “I am a fierce woman,” because you respect the woman you have become.

My Connection With Women Who Have Verve

Over the years, I have had the pleasure of meeting extraordinary women. They earned the title in my mind of women with verve, not because of their names, but because of their substance. Gerda Weissmann Klein. Barbara Walters. Joan Rivers. And others, Lee Radziwill, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Greta Van Susteren, Katie Couric, the Queen of Thailand, and Jean Kilpatrick, each sparked a feeling within me. And I cannot leave out my daughters and my very special friends. You are the frosting on my cake. You know who you are.

You are women of all ages with different lifestyles who live your life to the fullest, on your terms. I am drawn to you because you are authentic. You are open. You show vulnerability. You support me in joy and in grief. And I love you for it. You all have verve.

Every Woman Has Verve