Why You Don’t Have To Be Lonely

May 16, 2019 By
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I hear from women over 50 about how they feel lonely. The conversation often arises when women enter a new chapter in their lives. Children leave the nest, close friends move away, women retire and with retirement comes the loss of longtime relationships. Divorce and widowhood come into play, a move to a new community and the longing for a new tribe of female friends–all of these events can lead to an uncomfortable, occasionally lonely lifestyle. However, my darling, you do not have to be lonely. You hold the cards in your hands. Remember, everyone is busy with their lives. It is up to you to escape the loneliness syndrome.

The very first notion I want you to put into your pretty little head is that there are thousands of people just like you. Men over fifty who retire, women over 50 do as well and let’s not forget younger men and women of all ages. Loneliness is not confined to a certain age range. There are people around the world who are lonely. Therefore, my darlings, the first bit of advice I would like to share with you is that you are really far from alone!

Photograph from Cassie

Let’s Do Something About It

For many women, it’s a challenge to make friends after 50 because past social connections from high school, college, work and parent organizations have faded. But, my darlings there is something wonderful that has taken its place–you! You are older, wiser and definitely at the stage of life to know exactly what makes your heart sing. You have bloomed into a woman of wisdom and with wisdom comes self-assurance and you know exactly who you are.

True, the problem of finding the right social circle or several social circles is real. I will not dispute that. On the other hand, no one promised any of us a rose garden. We have to plant our own garden and reap what we sow. A new passage awaits us and I think it is absolutely essential to find your niche to ward off loneliness and boredom. There is not a human being alive that does not yearn for companionship.

Do You Prefer to Run In a Tribe or in Several Tribes?

My darling friend Cassie in Kauai

Personally, I think you will be happier trying to open up your world to women who don’t want to confine themselves to one social group. But that, my darling is your choice.  I will give you my thoughts on the pros and cons and why I choose not to live within the confines of just one singular group of women friends.

This morning before my ultimate concierge, my dog America and I left our home in California for the airport to fly back to my beautiful Chicago, I heard from four of my friends all independent from one another.

The first was a Facebook comment from Cassie, a friend from my past. We were and always will be girlfriends. We met when my family and I moved to the Hawaiian Islands. Today, she is visiting friends on the Island of Kaui and sent me photos on Facebook. An email from Jane was also in my inbox, mentioning she enjoyed reading The Story of Ben on the blog. She wanted to arrange a dinner date with our guys. Maria reached me on my cell as I was boarding the flight to Chicago. We live in the same building and she was taking a chance we might be free that evening. Cassie, Jane and Maria do not know one another. Lastly, I received a text from my friend Cass, who sent me a comic strip because she knew it would make me laugh. She wears my red string on her wrist and I wear her evil eye bracelet on my wrist. They’re four girlfriends from different walks of my life.

Some of you will prefer belonging to an art group, a movie group or a social group. Some of you will find the comfort of a few good friends preferable.

By the time we were at 37,000 feet, I was pounding away on my MacBookPro thinking about how to avoid loneliness.

Women Need Women But In What Capacity?

You know, darlings, a multitude of wonderful women over 50 beside yourself are similarly looking for friendship. As I previously stated, you know your passion and your comfort level and probably remember me saying, “Women need women.”

Start By Making a List of Your Priorities

What are you looking for? A casual group that meets monthly, such as a movie group or an art group?  A tribe of women whose lifestyles match yours? Or possibly the diversity of different women from varied walks of life, in several different tribes you can enjoy for a multitude of reason? Maybe all you need is one lovely friend.

I think your first course of action when you are looking for friendship is to join a casual group of women whose love for an activity or two matches your own. This will give you an opportunity to share the same interests while at the same time meeting other lovely women. It’s a great starting point to greener pastures of long-lasting friendships. And long-lasting friendships can last after the age of 50. I know; I have them and I cherish them.

The Second Course of Action is ‘The  Biggie!’

Ask yourself, Would I be comfortable with women within one group or tribe? Do I prefer spending time with the same women in my company 24/7? A tribe provides security. Your new friends are a phone call or text away. They share with one another. I strongly suggest joining a group of women with varied interests and experiences. I don’t suggest finding a group of women who talk about the same thing, eat the same foods, shop at the same stores and rarely reach out to new people. Obviously, having the group around you is extremely comforting. A varied one hits the nail on the head.

The Process

  1. Ask yourself: Do I want girlfriends who are not carbon copies of one another? You can have a multitude of interesting women friends from different social groups. My friends go back to the time I was six years old. They come from different walks of life. We are not clones of one another. My friends have different religions, different nationalities, different careers, they are different ages and have different economic lifestyles, different interests and taste levels. I have friends who teach me and support me.
  2. Ask yourself: Am I introverted? If you are, that is just fine. You can join a group meetup or several groups that have a project of some sort that excites you. And then go home. You have satisfied yourself, you are learning and having casual conversations. You will not be lonely and eventually, I bet you will have new friendships.
  3.  Lastly, whether you choose one social group or mingle in different groups or prefer groups that meet monthly, you should align yourself with the types of women who mirror you. Don’t join a group to be a social climber. I observe these types of women and I know they know they are kidding themselves. They choose their female friends to make themselves feel more important, not because these women mirror their values. They will never have a sincere and close bond. Darlings, please choose women who make you happy, the ones who really add an important dimension to the ‘you in you.’

Make Friends During Everyday Routines

Darlings,  I dearly treasure all types of friendships. I love being treasured friend for years and even meeting happenstance strangers who turn into friends. A woman standing next to me in the market asked me for the name of the perfume I was wearing. I told her if she gave me her cell phone number, I would text her the name and manufacturer. And I did. She sent back emojis of praying hands and hearts. A once in a lifetime encounter between two strangers turned into a few minutes that brightened my day. You see, when you give, you reap happiness within yourself. And for one short moment in the pasta aisle, this occurred. I am still seeing her thank you text to me and the emojis, which bring a grin to my face.

I also treasure my alone time. Being alone with my thoughts always helps me. However, I am not lonely because I have made a life for myself outside that suits my fancy and you can, and should, do the same. Open up the door and walk into the world of women and groups. You will not be sorry, I promise.

Would any of you like to see a private social network to help you connect with other Honey Good readers? Would you find something like that helpful? Darlings, I would love your advice here! Please let me know below if you have any feedback.

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15 Comments

  • Debbie Vaughan says:

    Yes I would. I recently retired and moved to Ormond Beach, Florida from Chicago with my husband and I miss my girl friends terribly.

    • Susan "Honey" Good says:

      Please know: you must put yourself out their. People will not ring your door bell because their lives are busy. So, start out by inquiring about groups that interest you and join. Movie, travel, yoga, exercise, cooking, etc.. Find those few women who mirror your values and likes. This will take time but if you make it a priority it will work. Remember, there are many other women who are lonely and just moved and our craving women friends. You are definitely not alone. Warmly, Honey

    • Terry Murphy says:

      My husband and I moved from the West Hollywood area to Albuquerque, NM, this past February. I have found the online social platform, Meet Up, to be immensely helpful in forming connections with local women. Wising you luck in forming new friendships!

      • Susan "Honey" Good says:

        Thank you for sharing, Terry. They have Meet Up in Chicago, too. It is a great idea and brings much happiness to women. Warmly, Honey

  • Eileen Conneen says:

    I would love an opportunity to join a private social network of interested Honeygood readers. Your article on Lonliness hit such a core with me and I am sure with many others. I am a Widow,, surrounded with a large, loving family. I work part time as a
    Concierge, take yoga lessons and see a few friends on a regular basis, But it is not enough. Would love to expand my network of friends. I thank you for your many friendly, honest and inspirational messages.

    • Susan "Honey" Good says:

      You are a very busy woman and a loved woman. Now it is time for you to figure out what more you ‘want.’ I will send your email to Susan Berman Hammer who works for me and she can help you sign up for my private network. It is still in its Beta stage but I am working to improve the content and technology. There are already 19 groups. You can join as many as you desire or even start your own.You will hear from Susan soon.Wamly, Honey

  • Donna Weaver says:

    Yes I would also love it. I am a widow of one year from Louisiana. Trying to find my way to a new life. Love many different interests, antiques, auctions, reading, movies, travel, etc. Enjoy your blog and advise. For the record I’m 67 years young or old however you want to look at it. Ha, Ha ..

    .

    • Susan "Honey" Good says:

      I was widowed in my 40’s. I know how you are feeling. You will find a new life. It takes time, patience and thought. You might consider joining a group travel club or movie group. This will open up your life. Warmly, Honey

  • Patricia Jackson says:

    Enjoyed this article and am motivated to step out and make new friends and engage in other activities.

    • Susan "Honey" Good says:

      Good for you! Make sure you choose women ‘who mirror your values and the you in you!” You will find your niche. Warmly, Honey

  • Karen says:

    This is easier said than done…..I left my social network in DC and moved to FL at the encouragement of my son. He was right, economically and family-wise. Unfortunately, it left me without friends in a new place. Volunteering, part-time jobs, and online dating have turned up nothing after 5 years. I still fly North (and friends fly South) to even have dinner out. Being a long time business owner puts me in a different place with finding new friends. I don’t share the same stories others have, but I try hard to be a part of their world.

    I finally settled in, at 64 – realizing I wasn’t like others. I don’t have a husband or boyfriend, the social outlets I’ve tried haven’t worked, and it was time to devote myself to my inner being – and learn to thrive on that. It has worked – I am in to yoga, plant-based eating, and meditation. It makes being alone more bearable and even likable.

    I think as we get older, we become more wise to others and probably more critical. And, that’s OK, if we put it in the right perspective. I have thought about moving back home to be near friends, but they, too will eventually move to what they believe is their retirement bliss.

    So – alone and loneliness are 2 different things. Some of us who get thrown into ‘loneliness’ make it a gift of being alone, and thriving on it.

    • Susan "Honey" Good says:

      I read every word of your comment. Everyone must find ‘their’ niche and people who mirror them, not you mirroring others. You have found your private happy niche that gives you pride in yourself. I would want you to be my friend and there are others out their like me. You might consider joining a meditation or yoga group or Vegan group if you have not tried that route. There will be like- minded women that mirror you. Please keep me posted. Warmly, Honey

    • Maryanne says:

      Karen, it sound like being a snowbird night work for you . Might give you the best of both places. Good luck!

  • Maryanne says:

    Hi Honey, First it is serendipity that you entered my life a few months ago. I feel like you are speaking directly to me on of the moment topics that are important to me. I would love connecting with new girlfriends. Thanks Honey

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