When I met my ultimate concierge’s family, it was with an open mind and heart. Prior to that, I had never been exposed to blended family situations.
When I met my future concierge, his grands were little children and some were not yet born. There were three adult children; two sons and a daughter-in-law. They gave me the nickname, the Hawaiian Princess. I thought it was endearing!
For those of you facing the prospects of blending two families or in the throes of problem-solving with your blended family, I would love to share my advice.
My Advice to You
Concentrate your feelings on the adult children, your marriage, and your spouse or significant other. I have learned this is the key ingredient for success.
If you consider your feelings last, you will end up being respected and loved. I have learned this by listening to and observing the actions of all the ‘players’ in my blended family for twenty- six years!
Helpful Resolutions for Emotional Issues
Every adult child has emotional issues with a parent loving another person other than their own parent. These issues range from sadness, anger, jealousy, financial greed, selfishness, guardedness and not wanting to be disloyal to their deceased or divorced parent. My advice: Have compassion and an open heart… for the adult children.
I have found that most adult children are selfish when it comes to their parent’s newfound happiness. They can’t help themselves and unless you have been an adult child in a similar setting (I had not) it is not easy to understand their emotional feelings. This is an unnatural situation caused by the death of a deceased or divorced parent.
Imagine seeing your father or mother loving a person other than your own parent. Not easy.
You see your parent living with another man or woman in the home you grew up in. Not easy.
You see your parent enjoying the adult children of the new spouse or significant other. Not easy.
You watch your parent happy and in love with someone other than your mom or dad. These are all very difficult situations. Support the adult children’s feelings during this hard transition.
Educate yourself. There are proven beneficial steps to help adult children. Before you step into the situation of blending two families, do some homework. Take the time to read up on the initial transition and the problems you may find down the road.
Some of my family problems could have been avoided if I had done my homework. As a woman in my forties when I remarried, I was naïve about the depth of loss an adult child feels. This caused unfortunate repercussions from some of the adult children.
I didn’t realize some adult children never completely heal from the death of their parent, and I thought ‘time’ heals, but I was wrong. It was a costly lesson. My advice: educate yourself on the adult children’s emotional issues.
Put Up a United Front
Put your relationship with your mate first. If you do not put your spouse or significant other first, you will be headed for disaster; an unhappy marriage, a divorce or adult children who rule the roost. I am happily married and a very fortunate woman because my ultimate concierge and I are joined at the hip. But trust me when I tell you some of our adult children could have ruined our marriage.
I observed how my mother and father treated one another. They were united on all fronts and put each another above all. My ultimate concierge has always put me first.
Our adult children could have, without question, ruined our marriage, but they never had a chance. In conversations with his adult children, my husband protected me. I protected my ultimate concierge. Sometimes it is still hard because I love my children, but nonetheless, I understood the importance of what is most important… my man. Privately, we talk over situations, but never publicly. My advice: always display a ‘united’ front with your man.
Always Put in the Effort
I believe efforts will work more often than not. What you give, hopefully, you will reap in return. Understand you will err, but always ask adult children for forgiveness.
I know it takes two to make a relationship, and I know sometimes you will meet resistance and you will feel shattered. But I also know if you give kindness and love to both sets of adult children and do not get respect and kindness in return, you can close your eyes each night knowing you at least tried your best. Amen.
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