In my late 30s many of my friends went through the 20-year itch — numerous marriages crumbled. As couples age into their 50s and beyond, I noticed unhappy and bored marriages. If you are wondering how to spice up your marriage after 50, I believe the answer is to embrace change, try new activities together, nurture your emotional connection, and speak honestly about what now brings each of you joy, romance, and fulfillment. As we age, our personalities and lifestyles change and you have to work to keep your marriage alive after 50. These changes just happen as a natural part of life, and accepting them can help couples adapt together instead of drifting apart.

We fall in love with a person and due to age, that person evolves into someone new… and not always to our liking. What can we do? For couples and individuals over 50 who want a marriage that still feels alive, vibrant, and connected, the work is not to fight aging but to respond to it with intention.

I believe the one positive way to enjoy contentment in a marriage between older people (and younger, too) is to embrace change by taking the bull by the horns and pursing new avenues that might bring joy into the changed marriage. How? We have to wrap our arms in a positive way around ‘change’ to figure out what is best for the marriage. That includes protecting emotional intimacy, adjusting to shifts in roles and routines, exploring new forms of romance and sex, and communicating clearly about needs and desires. Don’t forget to nurture your relationship, even with all the changes and distractions that come with this stage of life.

I can attest that in my marriage. I continue to work at solving the negatives of age-related situations. It is not always easy and breezy. It is sometimes scary, frustrating and a tad depressing because I am married to an older man who I cherish and adore. Sometimes love is hard. Our health, both physical and emotional, plays a big role in how we connect and support each other as we age, which is exactly why this conversation matters after 50: if we do not adapt to these changes, we risk losing intimacy, joy, and the closeness that held us together for decades.

I don’t like to see him aging and you don’t like to see your husband or significant other aging and changing either. I don’t like the fact that I am still hot in the race and my husband is content to smoke his few cigars a week and read. He is passionate over the fact that he is not in the race. His feeling is “I worked all my life, so I do not have to work.” He smiles, laughs and is not depressed at all. He is content. And, I say to myself with an inner smile, “I am grateful he is happy.”

I remember not too long ago when it was easy for us to walk from New York University, where we visited our grandchild in Greenwich Village, to our hotel at 61st and Park. I, over ten years his junior, had to keep up with him. I am grateful we can still walk, though not as far or fast.

I remember when he would suggest we go on a trip out of the blue and I was so surprised and excited, responding with “when and where?” He would say, “Wherever and whenever you want to go.” Now I say, “Let’s take a trip,” and he says, “Great.” This role reversal is the progression of life and I am just grateful that he still wants to go. These shifts happen, and it’s important to accept them as part of growing older together.

Many of your husbands have their own set of problems — retirement that creates restlessness and apathy, loving sex to loving sleep, depression because they still see themselves as the jock who was the jogger and now they have a roll around their tummy.

You say to yourself, “He is not the man I married. We grew apart and he is not fun. I feel this is the end of the line.” This is an old tale, dear readers of mine, and I believe that a wise woman knows how to embrace change because she knows time will bring change in abundance. These changes do not necessarily mean the end of intimacy or connection; relationships can evolve in positive ways.

I wanted to muse about this because it is part of our marital journey. Once we realize we cannot ward off the changes in a marriage that is anywhere between 35 and 50 years old, we can figure out personal solutions for how we can embrace, not fight change.

Two goals to keep the spark alive in your sex life and marriage after 50

1. Appreciate the good in your man and embrace his strengths daily. Take time to nurture love and closeness with your spouse, as maintaining a strong emotional connection is key to a fulfilling relationship. This will give you a boost.
2. Invest yourself in the changes of your marriage and take the high road, figuring out ways to embrace change. Remember, taking care of each other’s emotional and physical needs is essential as you both grow older together. Doing little stuff—like spontaneous gestures or thoughtful routines—can help keep your marriage exciting and connected.

Managing daily routine and reducing distractions

As we move into our 50s and beyond, life can settle into a comfortable—sometimes too comfortable—routine. While there’s beauty in familiarity, it’s easy for the spark in your marriage to get lost in the shuffle of daily habits and distractions. Try occasional device-free nights or tech-free zones so you can reconnect with undivided attention and share stories without a break in focus. To keep your sex life vibrant and your relationship exciting, it’s essential to be intentional about how you spend your time together.

Start by carving out quality time for just the two of you. Start the day with a focused moment together, like coffee on the porch or a short tech-free chat before everything else begins. Whether it’s a cozy dinner at home, a spontaneous walk around the neighborhood, a workout together, or a relaxing shower together, these little things can reignite romance and create a sense of connection. Don’t underestimate the power of watching TV together—pick a series you both love, snuggle up, and let physical touch become part of your nightly routine. Even a simple kiss or holding hands while watching your favorite show can build sexual tension and remind you both of the excitement you felt in the beginning. That kind of novelty can add fresh energy by triggering dopamine, much like the early years of dating and the feelings that came with them.

With the kids grown and the house a little quieter, the empty nest phase is the perfect opportunity to invest in your marriage. It’s also a good time to talk openly about retirement and the future, including how to balance shared time with personal time. Supporting each other’s separate hobbies and friendships helps both of you stay curious as you keep growing after decades together. Use this free time to explore new ideas and activities that bring you closer. Try out sexy lingerie. A suggestion box for a sexy idea or even a new recipe for date night can encourage spontaneity in the bedroom. Compliment your partner’s appearance and body to build confidence and intimacy. Experiment with coconut oil for a sensual massage, though some couples prefer medical-grade lubricants for comfort, and issues like vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction may call for practical solutions or medical advice. Talk dirty to each other to share your fantasies and desires. These playful moments can spice up your sex life and make you both feel sexy and wanted.

Don’t be afraid to get creative—there are countless resources available, from books and online articles to couples’ workshops and therapy, all offering advice and inspiration to keep your relationship fresh. The key is to talk openly with your partner about what excites you, and discuss libido or hormone shifts honestly as women and men navigate changes in their bodies with age. Share what you’d like to try, and remember that sex toys can be helpful at any age, especially over 50. Think about how you can create new routines that lead to more romance and excitement. For some couples, light BDSM is one way to explore new dynamics.

Remember, a good relationship thrives on communication, trust, and a willingness to try new things. Make it a point to listen to each other with regular relationship check-ins about what’s working and what needs adjustment. Send flirty texts or voice notes during the day, practice gratitude for the small stuff, and invest in your connection. Whether it’s a surprise kiss in the kitchen, a romantic dinner, or a new game in the bedroom, these acts can lead to a more exciting and fulfilling sex life.

Every couple’s journey is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. The 7-7-7 Rule is one practical way to keep dating each other, with a date every 7 days, a weekend away every 7 weeks, and a kid-free trip every 7 months. The important thing is to keep exploring, keep talking, and never stop investing in your marriage. With a little effort and a sense of adventure, you can create a relationship that feels just as exciting and sexy as it did in the beginning—no matter your age.