In my late 30s many of my friends went through the 20-year itch — numerous marriages crumbled. As couples age into their 50s and beyond, I noticed unhappy and bored marriages. I think the culprit this time around has nothing to do with an “itch” and everything to do with “change.” As we age, our personalities and lifestyles change and you have to work to keep your marriage alive after 50. These changes just happen as a natural part of life, and accepting them can help couples adapt together.

We fall in love with a person and due to age, that person evolves into someone new… and not always to our liking. What can we do?

I believe the one positive way to enjoy contentment in a marriage between older people (and younger, too) is to embrace change by taking the bull by the horns and pursing new avenues that might bring joy into the changed marriage. How? We have to wrap our arms in a positive way around ‘change’ to figure out what is best for the marriage. Don’t forget to nurture your relationship, even with all the changes and distractions that come with this stage of life.

I can attest that in my marriage. I continue to work at solving the negatives of age-related situations. It is not always easy and breezy. It is sometimes scary, frustrating and a tad depressing because I am married to an older man who I cherish and adore. Sometimes love is hard. Our health, both physical and emotional, plays a big role in how we connect and support each other as we age.

I don’t like to see him aging and you don’t like to see your husband or significant other aging and changing either. I don’t like the fact that I am still hot in the race and my husband is content to smoke his few cigars a week and read. He is passionate over the fact that he is not in the race. His feeling is “I worked all my life, so I do not have to work.” He smiles, laughs and is not depressed at all. He is content. And, I say to myself with an inner smile, “I am grateful he is happy.”

I remember not too long ago when it was easy for us to walk from New York University, where we visited our grandchild in Greenwich Village, to our hotel at 61st and Park. I, over ten years his junior, had to keep up with him. I am grateful we can still walk, though not as far or fast.

I remember when he would suggest we go on a trip out of the blue and I was so surprised and excited, responding with “when and where?” He would say, “Wherever and whenever you want to go.” Now I say, “Let’s take a trip,” and he says, “Great.” This role reversal is the progression of life and I am just grateful that he still wants to go. These shifts happen, and it’s important to accept them as part of growing older together.

Many of your husbands have their own set of problems — retirement that creates restlessness and apathy, loving sex to loving sleep, depression because they still see themselves as the jock who was the jogger and now they have a roll around their tummy.

You say to yourself, “He is not the man I married. We grew apart and he is not fun. I feel this is the end of the line.” This is an old tale, dear readers of mine, and I believe that a wise woman knows how to embrace change because she knows time will bring change in abundance. These changes do not necessarily mean the end of intimacy or connection; relationships can evolve in positive ways.

I wanted to muse about this because it is part of our marital journey. Once we realize we cannot ward off the changes in a marriage that is anywhere between 35 and 50 years old, we can figure out personal solutions for how we can embrace, not fight change***.***

A few evenings ago we were having dinner with another couple and the woman said to me, “The roles sure have changed in our marriage. I am now the stronger one and my husband needs me.”

On the drive home after a dinner with my older husband driving, thank God, I looked over at my ultimate concierge and thought, “Over the past year, I have become nostalgic.” Never keeping my thoughts to myself I said to him, “I wish we could relive every day of the past 26 years of our marriage.” Sometimes I miss the closeness and connection we shared in those earlier years. He wards off my fears of this aging thing with his notorious statement, “The best is yet to come.” And I smile… but I know.

My thoughts on keeping a marriage alive after 50

I think to myself, as you must: be grateful. Revel in the character of your guy.

My husband’s character will never change. My darling husband’s values will never change. His love for me will never change. He is the ultimate concierge in my emotionally charged life. He is my rock. He is my teacher. He is my lover, my soulmate and I admire him beyond all I know.  I am so lucky. There is no change to embrace. I feel uplifted.

I have kept my husband in the “race of life.” In this sense, I embraced change and so must you.

I make plans. I suggest stimulating challenges to pursue. I involve him with his children and grandchildren. When a family wedding, birthday, graduation, anniversary, new birth or whatever comes along, we travel to friends and family living in seven different states. For those of you who read my musings on Garden Valley, Idaho and the commitment vows of our daughter-in-law Jami and Dale, I asked him to honor Jami’s request to perform the ceremony. He did and we wrote the vows together. If he wants to turn down a business request or his real estate associations I say to him, “Go for it.” Being the ultimate concierge that he is, he smiles up at me and says, “You are right. Why not?” Afterwards, he is always delighted that he did.

I know that I am fortunate that my husband can and wants to please me. I know that some of you are in my position and some of you are not. For those of you who are at a disadvantage: You have to try and figure out your way to embrace change to  keep your marriage alive after 50. And remember, if your moments of intimacy lead to sex, that’s fine, and if they don’t, that’s fine too—as long as you both communicate and understand each other’s needs.

Two goals in keep your sex life and marriage alive after 50

1. Appreciate the good in your man and embrace his strengths daily. Take time to nurture love and closeness with your spouse, as maintaining a strong emotional connection is key to a fulfilling relationship. This will give you a boost.
2. Invest yourself in the changes of your marriage and take the high road, figuring out ways to embrace change. Remember, taking care of each other’s emotional and physical needs is essential as you both grow older together. Doing little stuff—like spontaneous gestures or thoughtful routines—can help keep your marriage exciting and connected.

Managing daily routine and reducing distractions

As we move into our 50s and beyond, life can settle into a comfortable—sometimes too comfortable—routine. While there’s beauty in familiarity, it’s easy for the spark in your marriage to get lost in the shuffle of daily habits and distractions. To keep your sex life vibrant and your relationship exciting, it’s essential to be intentional about how you spend your time together.

Start by carving out quality time for just the two of you. Whether it’s a cozy dinner at home, a spontaneous walk around the neighborhood, or a relaxing shower together, these little things can reignite romance and create a sense of connection. Don’t underestimate the power of watching TV together—pick a series you both love, snuggle up, and let physical touch become part of your nightly routine. Even a simple kiss or holding hands while watching your favorite show can build sexual tension and remind you both of the excitement you felt in the beginning.

With the kids grown and the house a little quieter, the empty nest phase is the perfect opportunity to invest in your marriage. Use this free time to explore new ideas and activities that bring you closer. Try out sexy lingerie, experiment with coconut oil for a sensual massage, or talk dirty to each other to share your fantasies and desires. These playful moments can spice up your sex life and make you both feel sexy and wanted.

Don’t be afraid to get creative—there are countless resources available, from books and online articles to couples’ workshops and therapy, all offering advice and inspiration to keep your relationship fresh. The key is to talk openly with your partner about what excites you, what you’d like to try, and how you can create new routines that lead to more romance and excitement.

Remember, a good relationship thrives on communication, trust, and a willingness to try new things. Make it a point to listen to each other, explore new fantasies, and invest in your connection. Whether it’s a surprise kiss in the kitchen, a romantic dinner, or a new game in the bedroom, these small acts can lead to a more exciting and fulfilling sex life.

Every couple’s journey is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. The important thing is to keep exploring, keep talking, and never stop investing in your marriage. With a little effort and a sense of adventure, you can create a relationship that feels just as exciting and sexy as it did in the beginning—no matter your age.