How to Be a Better Absentee Mother & Grandmother During COVID-19

We are nearing the crossroad. Last March, almost six months ago, COVID-19 thrust its ugly head into every household on the planet known as, Elsewhere. It has caused different degrees of suffering coupled with severe anxiety on the entire population of the world. The complexity of the virus and its unknowns has caused our scientists, doctors, and political leaders to make unintentional errors. We, as a people, are experiencing a multitude of daily fears. Our lives are suddenly consumed with our health, our personal safety, economic worries, and social and family isolation.

COVID- 19 has given most of us cause to self-reflect on our past and possibly make positive changes in our futures. We certainly have had the time! I know many of you have pursued a new hobby, started home careers, disciplined yourselves to eat a healthy diet, and persisted in your daily exercise routine. Some of you even remodeled homes and planted gardens. All positive. During this period, many of us realized how important it is to slow down and appreciate the small victories and personal growth we have achieved.

COVID-19 has broadened our emotional outreach; our prospectives about our lives and those who we care about and love. Self-Isolation has given us alone time to think about our attitudes and behavior. It is during this time that we may realize just how much we need to acknowledge our own emotional needs and the impact of our experiences. Some of us have developed newfound strength; others of you pushed your creative side and I think all of us have reflected on our role as wives, significant others, mothers, grandmothers, and friends. Recognizing and processing our feelings has become essential for maintaining emotional well-being during isolation. I am hopeful that most of us will come out of this tragedy stronger, wiser, hopeful, and grateful. Focusing on our own life and prioritizing self-care and personal milestones can help us move forward with renewed purpose.

Some Positives In Life During COVID-19

My family has so far been very fortunate. We are all healthy and productive. Of course, we have been touched by COVID, too. Fear, self-isolation, graduations, and school missed as well as other family celebrations and on and on. We are lucky and we all are grateful.

As for myself, I have taken this ‘time out’ in Elsewhere to stay well informed. I am more in touch with my inner self and I feel a sense of self-enrichment. Through my personal experience, I recognize that each individual’s response to the pandemic is unique and shaped by their own circumstances. I continue to move in a positive direction while understanding that life plays all kinds of tricks. As well, I feel emotionally grounded and stronger from the ordeals I have witnessed and listened to and I do take the time of out of my day when I come upon an important lesson to email my children and grandchildren.

My Role as a Grandmother

Today I am thinking about my role as Honey Good, the grandmother. Grandparenting has evolved over the years, and being a grandmother today means adapting to new family dynamics and finding creative ways to stay connected. From my heart, I can tell you I love all our Grands. I have seven natural grandchildren (one great-granddaughter, Leia). My Ultimate Concierge has eight (one great-grandson, AJ). A few of our Grands are married and their spouses are our Grands, too. That adds two more to the mix. In the past, I acknowledged one of my son-in-laws five children and their wives but no longer. So, at this time we have a combined family of grandchildren, 17 strong. Though some of these children are not my natural Grands, they are ‘mine’ and I love each of them very much. They have earned my love and respect and I pray I have earned theirs. The relationships we build within our blended family are essential to maintaining strong connections and a sense of belonging.

Our Grands moved away from us with their parents. It is the modern-world syndrome and not only do grandparent’s suffer, but so do our adult children and of course, our Grands. We are a scattered generation. The involvement of a grandparent can have a profound impact on a child’s life, even when distance is a factor. The bond I share with my grandchildren is truly wonderful, bringing so much joy and meaning to my life. Kids are at the heart of our family dynamic, and their presence shapes our experiences and memories. Engaging with the little ones, whether through reading stories or sharing laughter, is precious, and limited contact makes these moments even more significant. As absent grandparents, we often feel the ache of being physically or emotionally distant, and the sense of missing out on daily milestones is real. Sharing family stories helps preserve our heritage and strengthens our bonds, even from afar. I encourage my grandchildren to write letters or stories to stay connected and keep our memories alive. Whenever possible, I try to teach them skills or share my interests, hoping to pass on something meaningful. I reflect on what I was taught by my own parents and grandparents, and how those lessons shaped my values. It takes real effort to maintain relationships with grandchildren from a distance, and sometimes the feeling of missing them is overwhelming. I have learned to accept the reality of our situation and find ways to cope. I admit that being far away is hard and sometimes I feel blocked emotionally by the distance. Still, I strive to find peace with being an absentee grandmother, and I often wonder if I truly mattered to my grandchildren. The baby stage was a special time that brought our family closer, and I cherish those memories. Even when I can’t be a daily parental figure in my grandchildren’s lives, I hope my influence is felt. My daughters have their own experiences with distance and family, and as a woman and grandmother, I try to support them as best I can. Age affects my ability to engage as actively as I once did, and I see how both younger and older grandparents face unique challenges. My husband plays a vital role in our family dynamic, and the father figures in our family help keep our family stories alive. I remind myself not to let my grandchildren forget our shared memories, and I do my best to keep my word and promises to them. Summer often brings a time of reflection and change in our family life, reminding me to cherish every connection.

Words I Often Hear

I have often heard…

“Mom, why don’t you come and visit us more often? We miss you.”

“Mom, your life is so busy you have no time to visit.”

“Mom, you have time to travel far and wide but not enough time to visit as often as other grandparents.”

“Honey, I miss you. I love you.”

“Honey, I love it when we shop together. You are so much fun.”

“Honey, I accidentally dropped my computer and shattered the glass. I don’t want to tell my parents. Will you help me?”

When I hear these words I shake my head, feeling sad. The impact of hearing these words from family is deeply felt, stirring emotions of love, longing, and sometimes disappointment. And then reality hits me and I think, but never say to my children:

“If you miss me and need me, WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE ME! I DIDN’T MOVE AWAY. YOU DID!

I know many absentee grandmothers feel as I do. We are saddened that society has changed from the golden days when we all lived near family. We wish we could hop in our cars; pick up our Grands from school, help them with their homework, or take them for a Dairy Queen cone. We want to hug them, we want to look at them and we want to be hugged back. But we cannot*! It is a scattered generation.*

Keeping one’s word is so important in maintaining trust within the family, as it reflects our integrity and the value we place on our relationships.

What is interesting is that if you’re lucky grandmothers and moms who live close to your families, you are now experiencing what we feel as absentee moms and grandmas. I hope you thank your lucky stars and feel grateful and thankful for this blessing.

A Constant Question

The question I ask myself time and time again, as an absentee grandmother because of location is:

“Am I doing all that I can to keep up a loving relationship with my children, my daughter-in-law, and my Grands?” If I am, so be it, because I cannot change our living conditions. If I am not, I have to do something about it. And so should you, darling. It takes consistent effort and intentional actions to maintain and strengthen these relationships, especially when distance makes it more challenging.

The cold fact is, I know no matter how often I am with my Grands, the distance creates a sense of loss and sadness for the family. For you, too, I am sure. After all, after our Grands’ parents, we are our Grands’ next security blanket. They feel and know we are unconditional love.

I don’t want you to feel sad, and I don’t want to feel sad either, so here are a few positive thoughts that will brighten all absentee moms and grandmothers’ day. Remember, even as an absentee grandmother, you can find peace by accepting your situation and focusing on the love you continue to share.

Communicating with Your Grandchild’s Parents

One of the most important aspects of being an involved grandparent—especially when you’re not able to be physically present—is maintaining open and loving communication with your grandchild’s parents. Whether you’re a maternal grandparent or part of a blended family, the relationship you build with your grandchild’s parents can shape the entire family dynamic and, ultimately, your grandchild’s life.

Start by reaching out with genuine interest and empathy. A simple phone call to check in, share a family story, or ask about your grandchild’s latest adventures can go a long way in building trust and connection. Remember, parents are navigating their own challenges, and showing respect for their decisions and boundaries is essential. When you listen actively and express your desire to support—not override—their parenting, you create a sense of security and partnership that benefits everyone.

It’s natural to want to spend time with your grandchildren and be involved in their lives. If distance or circumstances make visits difficult, let the parents know how much you value updates and stories about your grandchild. Ask about their interests, school projects, or favorite activities, and use this information to plan fun phone calls or virtual hangouts. Even a quick video chat to read a bedtime story or share a laugh can help your grandchild feel your unconditional love and support, boosting their self-esteem and sense of belonging.

As a grandparent, your role is unique. Maternal grandparents, in particular, often have a special bond with their grandchildren, but every family is different. The most important thing is to approach your relationship with understanding and flexibility. If you’re an absent grandparent, don’t underestimate the importance of small gestures—sending a handwritten note, sharing a cherished family recipe, or simply telling your grandchild how much they matter to you.

By communicating openly and respectfully with your grandchild’s parents, you help create a loving environment where your grandchild can thrive. Your involvement, even from afar, teaches them the importance of family, the value of connection, and the comfort of knowing they are cherished. In the end, it’s not just about the time you spend together, but the sense of security and unconditional love you help nurture in your grandchild’s world.

Make Peace with Your Situation. There is a Silver Lining!

Wrongdoing: You will never have the problem of feeling guilty turning your daughter or daughter-in-law down when she asks you to babysit at the last minute!

Culpability: You will never be blamed for intruding in your children’s and Grands’ lives.

My grandchildren don’t take me for granted: My visits are an event. I become their emotional and gift-bearing tooth fairy. We do special things. Have special talks. I take them shopping for that 1 special present.

My life is diversified: I have my own full life and I spend ‘concentrated time’ with my Grands.

My children don’t take me for granted: They appreciate me. They are happy to see me. They love me.

COVID-19 has been the messenger. Why? Because it has given me the time to really consider the whole picture.

I admit that sometimes I struggle with feelings of sadness about being an absentee grandmother and not always being present for every moment. But I also accept that distance is a reality I cannot change, and coming to terms with it allows me to focus on the positive aspects of our relationship.

I ask myself, “How would I react if I got an announcement our entire family was moving to Chicago? I would bring out the band, darling! Yes, I would bring out the band.”

And so would you, of that I am sure.

How do you stay connected with your Grands? Let’s Chat! Connect with me on Facebook, Twitter, and even Instagram! Or leave a comment below!

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