My mother told me before my wedding day that a woman makes a marriage, and darling, that is even more true once our husbands enter the retirement stage.

I have been married most of my life and have two marriages under my belt to prove her words of wisdom. That is not to say our significant others do not play a larger-than-life role. It just stands to reason because women are nesters and men are hunters that women play a larger emotional role, while our guy’s role as the hunter is to bring home the bacon! Of course, I am generalizing because I know many of you help to provide the bread and butter! These changes are something many couples experience as they transition into retirement, facing new routines and adjustments together.

Moving forward into a husband’s retirement, marriage changes a great deal. A woman’s role becomes more demanding because her hunter hubby is no longer in ‘the hunt.’ Instead, he is underfoot! For spouses, navigating this new phase together means adapting to shifting responsibilities and expectations. I am smiling, sort of!! Being in such close proximity can lead to both humorous and challenging situations as couples adjust to spending much more time together.

Once upon a time before Shelly retired…

Of course, I can only speak for myself! When my ultimate concierge was working- his main functions in life, in this order, were me and his work. My main function in life was doting on him. We shared a utopian lifestyle. Each morning I wished him well with a kiss and similarly welcomed him home with a kiss in the early evening. The evenings were our time and we were thrilled to spend our time sharing information about our busy day, making plans for travel, entertaining, grandchildren visits, etc.! Sound familiar?

And, then my lifestyle, like many of yours, entered a new and natural passage; the age of retirement! The transition to retirement can be a big adjustment, especially during the first few months, as you discover new routines and ways to fill your days. For the first time, couples may find themselves spending much more time together and discovering new aspects of each other that they hadn’t noticed before. You know the common saying, darling, that pertains to retirement. “For better or worse, but not for lunch. This is a catch-22 for many of us, women, over the age of 50 with a retired husband; including yours truly – you’re darned if you do and you’re darned if you don’t!

A heads up for women who will eventually face this situation and trust me, you all will, the truth of the matter is many a husband need and want their wives after they retire, 24/7. It is completely normal to struggle with the sudden change in daily life, and many have struggled with the transition at first, but with time, most couples adapt and find new ways to enjoy this stage together.

A Conversation BEFORE and AFTER his retirement

Before retirement…When my ultimate concierge was working 60 hours a week and traveling for business, the conversation went like this:

When he arrived home I would ask, “How were things at the office today?” “How did your important meeting go today?” “Who did you talk to today?” “What business or charitable dinner commitments should I put on the calendar for the month?” Our daily routines were shaped around his jobs and work commitments, providing structure to our days.

After retirement…When my ultimate concierge, Sheldon F. Good retired the tables turned: “Where have you been all day?” “Who did you talk to today?” “What did you write today?”  “Where are we going tonight?” I am smiling tongue in cheek! Retirement disrupts established daily routines, and couples need to reestablish new ones that fit their changed lifestyle.

You see darling when our husbands or significant others were career driven, their minds were filled with providing and saving for their families. The wheels in their head were always churning. They were always busy with their jobs.

When they slowed down, their minds relaxed, and they found themselves with too much additional time on their hands. To complicate matters darling, most of our guys are loners. They live in their cave. They are not gatherers like us! What do they need to fill the void…they fill their time with us, darling! Retirement shifts priorities and relationship dynamics, requiring both partners to adjust expectations and find new ways to connect.

Husbands and significant others don’t gab on the phone, send emails or texts to their grands and friends, play cards, shop till they drop, and enjoy time to…simply be.   We are so busy we are dizzy. Age has no bearing on slowing us down. Friends, careers, hobbies, charities, home, – our list never ends.

Making wise decisions…

During this passage of our lives, we are faced with new situations that require making hard choices. Having a clear plan for retirement is essential to navigate these changes successfully. Couples who have planned for retirement often experience a smoother transition, as they have set expectations and considered different scenarios. Planning is not just about lifestyle adjustments, but also about managing your relationship and maintaining healthy communication. Financial planning, alongside emotional preparation, is crucial to ensure stability and reduce stress during this phase. If we are wise, we will know how to make the shift and give more than ever to our retired husbands while still enlightening our path. Addressing specific concerns or challenges as they arise can help strengthen your relationship and foster a more fulfilling retirement. If we don’t you can be certain your relationship will falter.

A Conversation 12 years ago…

Looking back on a conversation from twelve years ago, it’s remarkable how much a marital relationship can evolve, especially after a husband retires. Before retirement, so much of our lives revolved around our partner’s career—his days were filled with meetings, deadlines, and the steady rhythm of a full time job. As wives, we often found ourselves in a supportive role, managing the home and our own interests while our husbands were busy providing.

But retirement brings a sudden change. Suddenly, your retired husband is home with an abundance of free time, eager to spend it with you. This new lifestyle can feel both wonderful and overwhelming. The transition means both partners must adjust: the husband, now retired, may look to his wife for companionship and purpose, while the wife must balance her own interests, hobbies, and sense of self with her husband’s desire for togetherness.

Maintaining a successful marriage during this transition requires open communication and a willingness to adapt. It’s important for both partners to express their needs and expectations, and to support each other as you both navigate this new phase. The wife may need to gently encourage her husband to pursue his own interests, while also making space for shared activities. The husband, in turn, can learn to appreciate his wife’s independence and the value of time spent apart as well as together.

Retirement is a journey, darling, and every relationship will find its own rhythm. The key is to maintain your sense of self, nurture your hobbies, and keep the lines of communication open. That’s how you’ll both thrive in this new chapter of your marriage.

A  Conversation 12 years ago…

One day I decided to pose two questions to my retired husband as we were having our morning coffee.

• What are your three top priorities?
• Are you happy that you retired?

Without hesitation, he looked up at me and said, “My three top priorities in my life are, you, you, and you. Yes, I am happy I slowed down. I worked very hard so I would not have to work all my life.”

Some wives may have expected a different answer, or may expect their spouse to miss work and the structure it provided. In retirement, money management becomes a shared concern, as both partners must navigate budgeting and financial planning together. Balancing household chores and rest is now essential, since both partners need to respect each other’s downtime and share responsibilities fairly. Leisure time is spent differently post retirement, often requiring negotiation to ensure both spouses feel fulfilled. Mutual support between spouses is crucial during this transition, especially as priorities shift and new routines are established. The needs of adult children can also influence retirement priorities, whether through caregiving or family involvement. If expectations are not aligned, marital problems can arise, making it important to address issues openly as they come up. Sometimes, managerial skills from a previous career can influence dynamics at home, potentially leading to tension if one partner takes a more directive approach. Older men, in particular, may have different expectations or approaches to retiring, shaped by traditional roles and societal attitudes. The age difference between my husband and me—our respective ages—also plays a role in how we each view this stage of life. As we reassess our priorities in the remaining years, it’s important to recognize that retirement shifts can bring both challenges and opportunities. Maintaining a social circle and pursuing personal interests are key to staying fulfilled and avoiding isolation during post retirement life.

Deeply touched by his response to my first question, I was disappointed with his answer to my second question. I wanted him to say that he missed the business world and decided not to retire!

I ultimately concluded with certainty that women continue to use their voices and stay active after the age of 50 plus. I am sorry to say when our husbands or significant others retire, a large part of their life retires along with them because their life was their career!

What is a wife or significant other after 50 to do?

I am reminded of a conversation I had with my husband, Sheldon F. Good about twelve years ago. The phone rang in our apartment. It was Shelly.

“What are you doing right now?”

It was a beautiful summer day, about 4:00 pm.

“I just finished bruising our pooch and am going to sit down and reread the blog that is due to my editor. I am late in getting it to her. Why? Where are you?”

“I am in the park. Just finished my book. I would love to tell you about the ending Why don’t you come down for a little while so we can talk.”

“OMG,” I  think to myself, “I don’t feel like dropping what I am doing!”

But instead, I say in a loving voice, “Of course, I will come down and meet you in the park. See you in a few.”

Why did I say this? Because darling, I adore and respect my guy. If I had said no I would have felt awful and he would have felt sad.

I close my laptop, secure Orchid’s leash (our loving pooch at that time), and the two of us girls, take the elevator down 71 stories from our apartment in the sky and walk across the street to the park where I see my ultimate concierge. My little heart melts, Orchid’s tail wagged non-stop and the smile on my husband’s face was worth the choice I made.

Recalling my feelings that day as I sat in the park with my ‘lonesome’ husband and Orchid, I felt so grateful. My husband loves me. He is interested in me. He wants to be with me. He NEEDS me.

Creating a safe space for open communication between spouses is essential, especially during times of transition like retirement. It allows both partners to share their feelings and concerns without judgment, strengthening their bond.

I sat there smiling to myself as I thought about how fortunate I am that he asks me every day: “Where have you been all day?”  “ What did you write about today?” “ What are we doing tonight?”

Maintaining hope for continued growth and connection in our relationship keeps us moving forward, even when faced with new challenges.

Tomorrow, I will make him lunch because it is my pleasure to give back. It is called love and there is no greater gift in the world than to give love to my retired husband.

When your hubby or significant other retires you must consider your priorities. I cannot tell you what to do, I can only advise you on how to keep your romance alive. Before a husband retires, a successful marriage is based on doing the tango in sync. You know the saying “It takes two to tango.” After he retires, from my experience, a wife has to keep the tango going. Or your retired hubby will go into his cave!

Many spouses experience similar shifts in their relationship dynamics during retirement, navigating new routines, expectations, and ways to stay connected.

It can be a pleasure or a bust. You can tango close or you can tango apart. How sad to tango at a distance in the later years of life. Remember the beautiful tango when you say yes, but prefer to say, no.

The Importance of Alone Time in Retirement

Darling, let’s talk about something that’s often overlooked but absolutely essential in retirement: alone time. When husbands retire, they’re suddenly around the house much more, and while it’s lovely to have more time together, it can also be a bit… well, challenging! Many wives find themselves missing those quiet hours they once had to themselves, and it’s perfectly normal to feel that way.

Alone time isn’t just a luxury—it’s a necessity for maintaining a healthy marital relationship and boosting marital satisfaction. It gives each partner the space to recharge, reflect, and pursue personal interests or hobbies that bring them joy. Whether it’s reading a book, tending to the garden, or simply enjoying a cup of tea in peace, carving out time for yourself helps prevent feelings of suffocation or resentment that can arise when couples spend every moment together.

The key is to communicate openly about your need for alone time. Let your husband know that it’s not about wanting to be apart, but about maintaining your individuality and well-being. Encourage him to do the same—perhaps he’ll rediscover an old hobby or find a new passion. When you both return to each other after some time apart, you’ll feel refreshed and more connected, ready to enjoy your time together with renewed appreciation.

Remember, darling, a little distance now and then is the secret ingredient to a happy retirement and a thriving relationship.

Rediscovering Leisure: New Activities Together and Apart

One of the greatest gifts of retirement is the opportunity to rediscover leisure and explore new activities—both as a couple and individually. After years of full time careers and busy schedules, many retired couples find themselves with the freedom to pursue personal interests that may have been set aside for too long.

This is the perfect time to try something new together, whether it’s taking a cooking class, traveling to a dream destination, or volunteering for a cause you both care about. Shared experiences like these can bring excitement and joy to your relationship, creating new memories and deepening your bond.

At the same time, don’t be afraid to nurture your own personal interests. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn to paint, join a book club, or start gardening. Encouraging each other to pursue individual hobbies not only helps maintain your sense of self, but also brings fresh energy and stories into your marriage. When you spend time apart doing what you love, you’ll have even more to share when you come back together.

Retirement is your chance to design a lifestyle that’s fulfilling for both of you. By balancing time spent together with time spent on your own passions, you’ll keep your relationship vibrant and your days full of purpose.

Intimacy and Connection: Rekindling Romance in the Golden Years

As we journey through the retirement years, intimacy and connection remain the heart of a strong marital relationship. Yet, it’s no secret that this new phase can bring its own set of challenges. Health issues, changes in energy, and the simple fact of spending more time together can all impact the romantic side of marriage.

But darling, romance doesn’t have an expiration date! In fact, retirement can be the perfect time to rekindle that spark. Prioritize quality time together—whether it’s a cozy dinner at home, a spontaneous weekend getaway, or simply holding hands during an evening walk. Small gestures of affection, thoughtful surprises, and open conversations about your feelings can go a long way in maintaining intimacy.

Remember, intimacy isn’t just physical—it’s about emotional closeness, trust, and feeling truly seen by your partner. If you find yourselves facing challenges, don’t hesitate to seek advice from a counselor or therapist who specializes in relationships and retirement. Sometimes, a little outside perspective can help you both navigate this new chapter with grace and understanding.

Above all, keep nurturing your connection. Laugh together, support each other through the ups and downs, and never stop finding new ways to show your love. With a little effort and a lot of heart, your golden years can be some of the most romantic and fulfilling of your marriage.

Twelve years later…

My retired husband needs me more than ever. He is twelve years older. I am his Florence Nightingale and his best friend. In certain instances, I have to take the lead. Tongue in cheek, I am a wife who likes to have her husband drive the car; not a wife who ‘always’ liked to drive the car. I am sad that this has happened but realistic in knowing this day would come because of our age difference. It has arrived and at times I am emotionally exhausted but I am fortunate to have the positive resilience and upbeat gene plus total love for my ultimate concierge.

For those of you who don’t have the ‘gene’ or your marriage is not like mine, I suggest you join a group, like my private Facebook group, Celebrate Life after 50, where many women exchange views about these types of situations. I put in my two cents on Celebrate, too.

I am weary from the past year of our life but grateful we have endured. It started over a pomegranate seed breaking my ultimate concierge’s front tooth to his detached retina surgery, to his broken wrist from falling on black ice to an aortic valve replacement, and then a problem with the ‘fake’ value needing a repair because the ‘fake value’ caused anemia! Making appointments, going to appointments, listening to doctors, and making decisions, were all-encompassing. My hubby’s positive attitude and resilience were very helpful. I cannot recall him complaining at all while I tried to keep our life as normal as possible. And, on top of all the above, he is retired!!! If I did not laugh, I would sob!!! And, darling, I have. But, I just pick myself up and do what makes me happy…the right thing.

Many couples have struggled with similar challenges during retirement, and it is normal to struggle as you both adjust to new routines and changing roles. For some, if these struggles are not addressed together, they can even lead to divorce later in life, which is why it’s so important to work through difficulties as a team.

About six weeks ago our grandson Scott Good, his wife Katy, and our two grands were visiting. I recall Scott, Katy, and I was gabbing in the kitchen when  Katy said, “You are the best wife to Papa. I wish I could be like you. And, Scott retorted, “ I wish you could, too!

I guess that says it all… marriage is a give-and-take relationship. But, as my mom said, “ A woman makes a marriage’ – isn’t that the truth?

So, figure out how you can keep your retired guy happy while validating your needs. It is a challenge and a job but worthwhile!

Darling, is your husband retired? How have you dealt with the transition? What’s been the hardest thing for you to overcome?