“Where are you going, how do you want to be seen?”

That’s the question that one of my fashion mentors always asks her clients, as a starting point. It’s a great question. And it’s one we subconsciously ask ourselves every time we get dressed.

For too long our enthusiasm about dressing up has been seriously curtailed. Some women may feel afraid to change their wardrobe or show their true selves after so long. We just haven’t had places to go that involved being seen. That’s created a pretty broad opportunity for slacking off (hence all the pop-up ads for loungewear). When you’re running quick errands or doing chores around the house, you aren’t always concerned about how you appear. Especially if you’re wearing a mask! Now, if you are one of those who truly no longer cares, congratulations! Enjoy your freedom!

But since things seem to be opening up a bit in many places, we’re once again faced with a closet of possibilities, and the chance to face the world again. Some may be struggling with how to present themselves after a period of isolation. So if you still have an inkling of fashionista left in you, one of the best ways to determine what to wear for any event or occasion is to consider how you want to be seen, now. Your style can be as loud or as subtle as you want, depending on how you want to be seen. Dressing for the job or the room you want to be in can influence how others perceive you and help you project confidence and authenticity.

I added the word, “now” there because the past two years may have changed how you feel about how you want to be seen. Some people may have felt blocked from expressing themselves fully during this time. In my own case, for nearly 20 years I’ve had short curly hair. When salons closed down (and now that my stylist is on maternity leave) I let my hair grow. The weight of my longer hair made it straighter. And, the gray streaks, my war “scars,” became my halo. I now love this look. It says more about my 74 years of experience than the energetic, high-spirited image I used to embody and embrace.

WHY WE SHOULD CARE  

If we’re being honest with ourselves we admit a fact. No matter how much we appreciate someone’s inner value we still tend to judge them, at least somewhat, on how they look. The research actually confirms this. Apparently we human beings appraise each other within the first seven seconds of a meeting. And even if we aren’t being seen by anyone else, we will still catch a glimpse of ourselves in the mirror from time to time. Self-judgement can be the harshest kind. You may have felt disappointed or self-conscious when seeing your reflection, noticing emotions like shame or frustration arise.

That all sounds grim. But it doesn’t have to be. Consider it just a motivator to help you make a little effort. Even if that just means putting on lipstick and wearing something clean and pressed that day. Those simple acts can change how you view yourself, and how you feel about the rest of your day. Don’t expect others to validate your self-worth unless you acknowledge and accept it within yourself first. When the image in the mirror is a more uplifting one, you start to feel like you are part of the flow of life and not in a state of perpetual decay or surrender.

Remember, there is no wrong way to express yourself, and self-compassion is key even if you feel judged by others.

WHAT WE EXPRESS ABOUT OUR TRUE SELF

Ideally, the image that we create through what we wear, our hair, or makeup etc. is congruent with what we feel on the inside. But that doesn’t mean we can’t enhance how we look. It means that we don’t want to stray too far in style and expression from the core of who we are.

So, again, consider how you want to be seen. Keep in mind that this is a slightly different calculation than worrying about what people think of you. It has more to do with how much your physical image is actually representing who you are and is expressing that in a pleasing way. Your clothing can also talk for you, expressing your personality and message to the world without you having to say a word.

Here is an exercise that helps clarify this idea. Pick out an outfit from your closet that you like. Ask yourself what it conveys. Is it just extremely comfortable? Or is it simply something practical that serves a purpose? What does it say about you – your level of taste, self-awareness, and how you feel about yourself? Does it make you feel chic, hip, approachable, beautiful, edgy, or sophisticated? If you wear perfume, what does that fragrance say about you? If you encountered the person that you see in the mirror wearing that outfit, or if you passed them on the street and caught a whiff of that perfume, what would you think about them?

After doing this exercise, reflect on what you have learned about yourself through your wardrobe choices. Remember, learning about your style and how it reflects your identity is an ongoing process. You can also sit in front of a mirror to further reflect on how you want to be seen and what you wish to communicate through your appearance.

When you approach the problem of what to wear this way you start to build the muscle of visual taste. You also establish more inner and outer congruency. You can also grow into that person that you want to be. After some self-reflection, you may have decided to change your style to better align with your authentic self.

THE POWER OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Unconditional love is one of the most powerful gifts we can give ourselves and others. It’s about embracing our true self, flaws and all, and extending that same acceptance to the people around us. When we practice unconditional love, we create a space where we can feel safe, valued, and truly seen—without the shadow of doubt or fear of not measuring up. This kind of love isn’t just a fleeting feeling; it’s a conscious choice we make every day, to accept ourselves and others exactly as we are.

Imagine walking through life with the confidence that comes from knowing you are enough, just as you are. That sense of acceptance radiates outward, affecting how we perceive our own beauty, how we carry our body, and how we interact with the world. When we feel this deep acceptance, we’re more likely to notice the beauty in others, to offer support, and to build relationships rooted in trust and understanding. Unconditional love allows us to let go of the need to hide or control every detail, and instead, to create a compelling presence that reflects our authentic self.

This acceptance is the foundation for true confidence. It gives us the courage to walk into new spaces, to try new styles, to speak our truth, and to connect on a deeper level with friends, family, and even new people we meet. When we lead with unconditional love, we learn to see the world—and ourselves—with hope and compassion. We begin to understand that our worth isn’t tied to perfection, but to the unique story we bring to every conversation, every relationship, and every moment of our lives. In this way, unconditional love becomes the key to living a life that feels meaningful, beautiful, and absolutely our own.

WHAT ELSE DOES THE WORLD SEE IN US?

So, yes we can fine-tune our wardrobe to express ourselves in the best light. But just as a wardrobe conveys who you are immediately, ultimately what you do and say conveys more.

In one of my favorite books is Forever Chic by Tish Jett. She describes some of the reasons why French women, especially older women, are considered to be so alluring and downright sexy. She explains that they put a great deal of value on being well-read, well-informed, and knowledgeable about many subjects. From current events, history, the art world, to philosophy, etc. They become delightful dinner companions. And although they may have strong opinions, they strive to be kind and thoughtful in how they express themselves. The importance of being present and attentive in conversations is also a key part of their charm.

These days it’s so easy to fall back into gloom and rage. It’s normal to feel angry sometimes, and recognizing these feelings can lead to greater self-compassion. But if we make as much effort in improving how we communicate with others as in how we dress, the “fragrance” we leave behind is a sweet one. And, we are seen as someone that others want to have in their lives. The importance of standing up for yourself and being a supportive partner in relationships cannot be overstated. Your personal style and communication can also be part of your business or personal brand. Sometimes we find ourselves acting in certain roles or situations, and this can affect how we are seen by others. The way we respond to others can be an answer to how we want to be perceived.

FINDING PURPOSE AND MEANING IN LIFE

At the heart of a fulfilling life is a sense of purpose and meaning—a reason to get up in the morning, a direction that guides us through both the ordinary and extraordinary moments. Finding that purpose isn’t always straightforward, but it’s a journey worth taking. When we feel connected to something larger than ourselves, whether it’s our family, our work, our passions, or our community, we experience a deeper sense of connection and belonging in the world.

Purpose often begins with listening to our own inner voice. It’s about tuning in to what makes us feel alive, what sparks our curiosity, and what gives us a sense of hope. Sometimes, it means having honest conversations with ourselves, noticing the words and ideas that keep coming up, and paying attention to the feelings that guide us. As we learn to trust ourselves, we gain the confidence to pursue new opportunities, to build relationships that matter, and to create a life that reflects our true self.

Meaning can be found in the details of everyday life—in the way we support a friend, the way we express our style, or the way we show up for our family. It’s about recognizing that every experience, even the challenging ones, can teach us something valuable. As we learn and grow, we develop a stronger sense of self, and our relationships become richer and more authentic. By embracing our unique journey, we create a life that feels not only purposeful but also deeply rewarding. And in doing so, we inspire others to do the same, leading by example and showing that a meaningful life is one that is lived with intention, connection, and a sense of joy.

Do you have a defined go-to style? Do you think that makes you lazy or brilliantly beautiful? Please enlighten me in the comments!

Andrea Pflaumer is the author of the Amazon best-seller Shopping for the Real You: Ten Essential Steps to a Perfect Wardrobe for Every Woman: Fashionistas, Fashion-phobes, and the Over 50 and She’s Got Good Jeans – a guide for how to shop for and where to find the perfect jeans for your body and budget.

Her new online course is called: Discovering Your Inner Style: An Adventure in Dressing Authentically.

Andrea does in-person and online wardrobe and shopping consultations for women worldwide and blogs at Shopping for the Real You. She is the host of a video collection entitled: Vital, Vivacious, and Visible after 50 and Shopping for the Real You: Expert Edition where she interviews women in the areas of fashion and beauty.

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