I am too young to be her mother. She is too old to be my daughter. That is where the dissimilarities between my daughter in law, Jami, and my end.

I love my daughter-in-law. She has earned my love and I have earned hers. Our relationship is built on trust and love of family.  Jami Good has been my daughter in law for 33 years, and looking back at our earlier years, I can see how our bond has grown and evolved over time.

She is too old to be my daughter. Unlike the relationship I have with my own daughter, building a connection with a daughter-in-law requires a conscious effort to treat her with the same empathy, care, and understanding as if she were my own daughter.

We are both wise women who know the important role of the Matriarch. Building a relationship with my daughter-in-law has been a treasured experience. Fourteen years ago, after a tumultuous time in the Good family, Jami Good gave me a “gift.”

What Should Be the Mutual Goal Between These Two Women?

Building a relationship with your daughter in law is about agreeing on a mutual goal. The mutual goal of a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should be to build, maintain and sustain mutual respect for one another that will benefit all family members. Establishing a solid relationship and striving for a great relationship with your daughter-in-law is essential, as it lays the foundation for a positive family dynamic and strengthens connections across generations. Jami and I had the same goals. It was our similar type natures that strengthened our bond and a mutual respect, friendship and love that established an engaging and loving family atmosphere. What truly matters is the well-being and harmony of the family, which should always be at the center of your efforts. It was not always that way. But not because of us.

The Family

There are Goods. Two grandparents, three grandsons and two wives, two great grandsons, kids, and Jami. We are a multigenerational family of different ages with different viewpoints, but unlike many other blended multigenerational families, we have successfully bonded as a group. The role of parents is crucial in shaping our family dynamics and fostering understanding among all members. Our house often serves as the setting for family gatherings, where positive interactions and bonding take place. I pay tribute to Jami Good, my daughter-in-law and one of my closest friends, for making this happen fourteen years ago.

It Was Not Always This Way

I remember our first meeting. I was dating her widowed father-in-law, my ultimate concierge, Sheldon F. Good. The Good family, including Jami as my child’s partner, and her late husband Steve wanted to meet the ‘“widowed Hawaiian Princess” (the name they gave me!) from Honolulu, so they invited us to their home for dinner, along with Jami’s mother and her two young children (at that time), who would later grow into adult children. The excitement and challenges of a new relationship within the family were present, as everyone navigated new roles and dynamics.

The dining room table was beautifully set and dinner was delicious. I don’t recall the dinner conversation but I do recall my positive feelings toward Jami. I liked her immediately. At one point during that evening, I realized how important it was to approach this new family dynamic with openness and understanding.

I don’t want to sugarcoat the story. There were years of strife—‘the new wife and the money syndrome’ that goes with the territory and the changing of the reigns from father to son in my husband’s company. Two very natural problems in families. As conflict deepened, Jami and I did not see one another for several years. The family became estranged. This had nothing to do with Jami or me.

And then the unforeseen happened. Jami’s husband and my husband’s son passed away.

Jami Good’s Gift

The day of the funeral Jami reached out to me. She put her arms around me and without a word, I put my arms around her and we reconnected. That was 15 years ago. That was Jami’s gift. She welcomed me back into the family. I accepted instantly. The experience felt so natural; it was meant to be and from that day forward until this very moment we are kindred spirits. This reconnection brought a renewed sense of hope to our family, giving us optimism for a stronger, more loving relationship moving forward.

Tea for Tea and Two for Two… Not Always

Without a cooperative daughter-in-law and a cooperative mother-in-law, the entire family suffers. Many mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law compete with one another. Many mothers-in-law want to be the mothers of their daughters-in-law. Many mothers-in-law are difficult women and so are many daughters-in-law. Many mothers-in-law are jealous and vice versa. Many mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are like oil and water. And many on both sides are manipulative. Many are just plain selfish and think only of their own needs. And let’s not forget, the daughter-in-law’s mother! She can be a pistol, if you know what I mean.

I think in most families the biological mother plays the strongest role. It is her voice — of positivity or negativity — that her husband and children hear; it is her actions that can make or break up the multigenerational family. In our case, Jami’s mom and I were always on friendly terms.

Navigating Conflicts with Grace

Conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, and the bond between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is no exception. When disagreements arise, it’s important to remember that your daughter in law is her own person, with her own experiences and perspectives. Instead of letting emotions take over, try to approach each situation with patience and empathy. Take a deep breath, listen carefully to her point of view, and resist the urge to immediately defend your own. Sometimes, the only time you need to speak is to acknowledge her feelings and show that you understand.

Open, honest communication is the foundation of a positive relationship with your daughter in law. If a conflict does occur, focus on finding common ground and working together toward a solution that supports family harmony. Avoid assigning blame or dredging up past grievances—these only create tension and distance. Remember, your relationship with your daughter in law has a direct impact on your son’s well being and the overall happiness of your family. By handling conflicts with grace and understanding, you set an example for the rest of the family and help ensure that love and respect remain at the heart of your home.

Steps to Try:

• Be a team player. Don’t be afraid to give in even when you feel you are right. Whether you are in a first or second marriage, think of your husband’s and grandchildren’s feelings.
• If you are in a first marriage, accept the fact that your son is supposed to fall in love with a woman so put your jealousy aside. Your son will always love you unless you become “the awful mother-in-law” to his wife. Respect your son’s life and choices, and understand that your support for his marriage strengthens your family bond.
• Take the back seat. Pretend you are Miss Daisy. I love riding in the back seat of our car. I feel like Miss Daisy! By stepping back, you show respect for your son’s life and allow him and his wife to make their own decisions.
• Make time to visit your daughter-in-law and grandchildren. Personal visits help build stronger bonds and show that you care about being part of their lives.
• Show that you are genuinely interested in your daughter-in-law’s life and background. Ask thoughtful questions, listen actively, and engage in conversations that help you understand her better.
• Take time to discuss any issues or boundaries openly and respectfully. Honest, calm discussions can help resolve misunderstandings and build mutual trust.
• Silence is golden. You will lose if you are a “buttinsky.”
• Remember your daughter-in-law is not your daughter. A daughter usually forgives her mother. A daughter-in-law often times will never forgive her mother in law.
• Don’t make her an “outlaw.” Make her your daughter.
• Act the way you want to be treated.

The Gift

Upon the unexpected death of my son-in-law, Jami rose to the occasion by showing her boys through her positive actions that she wanted to reunite and strengthen the family by supporting and promoting my role as the boys’ grandmother. It is thanks to her that the boys began to accept me as their grandmother.

Jami and I are like-minded women. We are in harmony with one another; we are kindred spirits. We love nature and nurture. We love to do girly things and shop together. We are soulful. We like to travel and just wander. We like to talk on the phone and text and send emojis. We do not like confrontation. This is a blessing for all concerned because Jami and I both want to sweeten the lives of my husband (her father-in-law) and her boys (my grandsons.) Over the past 15 years, our multigenerational family has blossomed and bloomed by welcoming Jami with two daughters in laws and two grandchildren and made me a great grandmother on the Good side of the family.

Looking back, there were times when misunderstandings or actions were perceived as ‘wrong,’ but we learned not to assume ill intentions. By reframing these moments and focusing on understanding rather than blame, we overcame those challenges and built a stronger bond.

Fast forward to today, Jami and I are closer than ever. And, the ‘Good Boys’ as I call them  are my grandsons. I am close to all of them and I love them. We share stories and good times and times of trouble. We are an open family and happy.

Respecting Boundaries for a Healthier Relationship

One of the most important ways to nurture a good relationship with your daughter in law is by respecting her boundaries. As a mother in law, it can be tempting to offer advice or get involved in your son’s life, especially if you have strong opinions about family matters. However, it’s essential to remember that your daughter in law is building her own family, making her own choices, and creating her own relationship with your son and their children.

Avoid giving unsolicited advice or stepping in unless you’re asked—this can easily create tension and make your daughter in law feel like her role as a partner and mother is being questioned. Instead, show your support by respecting her decisions, even if they differ from your own. Let her know you trust her judgment and are there for her if she needs you. This kind of respect fosters a safe, welcoming environment where your daughter in law feels valued as an equal member of the family.

At the same time, don’t be afraid to gently communicate your own needs and boundaries. Healthy family relationships are built on mutual understanding and respect. By honoring each other’s space and choices, you not only strengthen your relationship with your daughter in law, but also contribute to the happiness of your son, your grandchildren, and the entire family. In the long run, this approach leads to greater family harmony and well being for everyone involved.

As a daughter-in-law to two mothers-in-law, I recall how I felt.

My first mother-in-law — may she rest in peace! — was a very difficult woman. I was always respectful, but I recall I did write her a letter 20-some years later letting her know my feelings. Her actions toward all of us were unpleasant. I never fought with her. I ignored her. I was afraid of her. Very unpleasant.

My second mother-in-law was a pistol. She was very abrupt and yet I loved her and I know she loved me. I remember on a special occasion I sent her a bouquet of flowers.  She returned them to me with the explanation that she did not like flowers. She was honest and I would laugh with my ultimate concierge because I knew it was not about me. I would take her shopping and she would be so grateful. I miss her.

Family dynamics are often difficult for mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law to blend. I think the mother in law should take the lead in making sure her son and daughter in law are happy with her because she has years of wisdom under her belt. A daughter in law is young and lacks wisdom. So, dear mother in law, turn your cheek, count to ten, and be the Matriarch.

I think if family members treated one another with kindness and respect — the way they treat friends — there would be far less discord. Words should be weighed and a mother in law should come from love. Amen. Amen.

This story is dedicated to Jami Good who give me a great gift…her family, which is now… our family.