Have you ever heard a couple say, “Building our new custom home over two years was a joyful, educational, and worthwhile experience?” Probably not! Personally, from gabbing with my friends over the years about their experiences, I always left the conversation wondering what reset buttons I would use to prevent or reduce the intensity of overwhelming emotions that can often run astray. Every couple’s relationships are unique and require their own approach to handling conflicts, especially when navigating such a major project. And, many years later I was put to the test.

Building a home from scratch is a project that requires you to make a multitude of decisions. When you have a Mars and a Venus or two Mars and two Venuses building, remodeling, or redecorating a home, it requires the ultimate commitment and a meeting of the minds. Many couples end up arguing during this process, as joint decisions can feel endless. It’s important to have a clear idea of what you both want before starting the project, as this can help streamline choices and reduce misunderstandings. Since most of you are not contractors, architects, landscapers, or interior designers, the number one joint decision is your choice of that team.

Introduction to a Harmonious Relationship

In everyday life, a harmonious relationship doesn’t just happen by chance—it’s something that’s built, moment by moment, through mutual respect, trust, and open communication. Every person in a relationship knows that life is full of little decisions, from what’s for dinner to who’s in charge of grocery shopping this week. It’s easy to fall into the trap of letting one person handle the same things over and over, but that can lead to feelings of frustration or even resentment.

Instead, the secret to avoiding arguments and keeping your relationship in a better position is to share the responsibility. For example, when it comes to grocery shopping, why not sit down together, make a list, and divide the task? This way, both partners feel involved in the decision making, and you avoid bringing up old grievances about who does more. Focusing on solutions and working as a team not only makes everyday life smoother, but it also strengthens the bond between you and your partner. When you both feel heard and valued, you’re less likely to let small annoyances turn into bigger arguments, and more likely to enjoy the life you’re building together.

Decision Making: Choosing Your Creative Team

You both have to have 100% respect for the talent of your team of choice because you are going to rely on them to bring in a completed project that you enjoyed playing a part in. From the contractor to the architect to the landscaper and interior designer and let’s not forget the foreman who orchestrates the project, these are the people you will lean on for their expert advice. It is important to be able to explain your preferences clearly to your team, using the right words to communicate your ideas and expectations. Choices you have to make are in the hundreds and they never stop. And, unless you are ‘twins in thought’ – it might be wise to add a shrink onto the list of your team!

My Ultimate Concierge and I are twins in thought. We read one another’s minds. As I have written in the past, we love the same lifestyle, the same art, the same type of restaurants, the same TV shows, the same kind of people and friends, etc. We are lucky we chose one another because we are an in-sync couple. We just agree on almost everything. Putting your ideas in writing and choosing your words carefully can help avoid misunderstandings with your team. A miracle if there ever was one! Therefore, it was easy for us to choose our team and the three most important members. The contractor, the interior designer, and the foreman were not only the tops in their respective fields; they also bonded in friendship and loved the project.

There Were Situations!

Here are a few vignettes that could have turned sour if not for the professionalism of our interior designer, contractor, Ultimate Concierge, and me staying united.

The architect had a problem with the designer, but the designer had 60 years of experience and knew just how to handle the architect!

Richard Himmel, our interior designer, saw our home in his head. He was already a man in his 80’s and knew every area of the trade, and that included architecture. The architect was a younger man and a male chauvinist who was also very arbitrary. He wanted to fight and prove himself right the day my Ultimate Concierge and I sat around the table in his office with our contractor, Warren Stocker, and Dick. Dick would not argue. If we hadn’t managed the situation professionally, we could have easily argued and let emotions escalate, but instead, we focused on hearing each other’s perspectives to avoid misunderstandings.

Dick wanted the house to look a certain way. He wanted a long walkway up to the double doors that opened into our home. Those double doors were not just an entrance, but also a metaphorical door representing the boundaries and emotional entrances we set in our relationships and home. The architect said with snark, “The long walkway will look like a bowling alley!” Dick was not a bit taken aback or insulted but in his gentlemanly manner differed. Dick won. Dick was right. None of us sitting around the table interfered in their conversation. So, there was no confrontation.

Trusting Your Team

Dick ultimately became our designer architect and I refer to our home as, “This is the home that Dick built.” At this time, my Ultimate Concierge and I could have had mixed feelings about who was right and who was wrong. We had to decide who to trust with the design, and we both chose Dick over the architect. Obviously, we did not want the walkway up to our home to look like a bowling alley but we both trusted Dick over the architect. Ultimately, the architect did what Dick asked him to do!

After we moved into our home the architect came over to see the bowling alley! “He was right! It doesn’t look like a bowling alley!” What happened was that we focused on the truth of our feelings about the design, rather than just the facts, which helped us avoid conflict. The architect knew he was a very good technician but not a great designer. The point of this vignette: My husband and I agreed to let Dick take over the design of our home and let the architect build it.

The Landscaper

Another problem was, our landscaper. Dick wanted us to plant ficus trees in front of our home. A long wall of very tall ficus trees. One day outside our finished home, the landscaper screamed at me, in front of the contractor and my Ultimate Concierge, “I am not going to plant your f-ing Ficus trees!” Needless to say, he was asked to apologize and leave our property, which helped break the cycle of conflict before it escalated further. I ran into him several years ago and he apologized and explained to me what was going on in his life at that time and we parted friends.

Many families face similar challenges and conflicts when building a home, and learning how to communicate and resolve issues together is essential for a harmonious outcome.

We Thought Of Each Other’s Needs

My Ultimate Concierge and I were thinking of one another’s needs. I knew there were times he did not care to go shopping with me and Dick, but he went and enjoyed the process because he saw my delight. We also chose to spend time together on certain tasks, which helped us stay connected and share responsibilities. I did not want him to purchase the land we ultimately bought but I knew my husband wanted to live on the golf course we belonged to. We were able to appreciate each other’s needs.

We communicated, and we made sure to take time to talk openly about our needs and feelings. We listened, and did not interrupt. Practicing active listening allowed us to better understand each other and avoid misunderstandings. I know there were times he wanted to interrupt and he knew there were times I wanted to interrupt but we held back until the other stopped talking. That was hard, at times.

Ongoing conversations about our needs and expectations helped us maintain harmony in our relationship.

Balancing Responsibilities in Everyday Life

Balancing responsibilities is at the heart of every strong relationship. When one person feels like they’re carrying the weight of the world—whether it’s a mother managing the household or a partner always taking care of the same chores—it’s only natural to feel frustrated or even angry. In most cases, these feelings can simmer beneath the surface until they finally boil over into arguments.

The answer? Open up the conversation. Sit down with your partner and discuss how you can divide tasks in a way that feels fair to both of you. Maybe one person is better at organizing, while the other excels at hands-on tasks—recognizing each other’s abilities and strengths can make all the difference. For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by taking care of everything, let your partner know how you feel. Listen to each other’s needs and be aware of the signs when someone is feeling upset or frustrated.

By focusing on teamwork and being willing to adapt, you can avoid unnecessary arguments and create a more peaceful home. Remember, managing everyday life together isn’t about keeping score—it’s about supporting each other, sharing the load, and building a relationship where both people feel seen, heard, and appreciated.

We Never Blamed

For example, before I was satisfied with our landscape I hired three different landscapers! I told you about the first one. The second one totally disappointed me. He did the work while we were in Chicago. Bad move on my part. When things went wrong, I tried not to focus on whose fault it was, but it was hard not to feel frustrated, especially when I felt like the only person responsible for fixing everything. Sometimes, being selfish or feeling like you’re carrying all the burden can make these situations even more difficult. There was just so much stuff that came up during the landscaping process—unexpected issues, disappointments, and emotional ups and downs. One day a friend of ours, Arthur, rode by on his golf cart and yelled as he passed, “That new large rock you added to your back yard looks like a meteor dropped out of the sky!” I did laugh because I found his comment hysterical but I was crying on the inside. The third landscaper was the charm.

My Personal Advice

I suggest the following advice based on my personal experience with building, remodeling, or redecorating:

• Discuss in length the following:
• Location
• Budget
• Style and size
• Personal desires you want to be incorporated
• Choose a team of professionals you ‘both respect’
• Choose a team that will work well together
• Build your home together. Please one another. It feels good to give back!
• Don’t be afraid to take the plunge

It’s normal to feel anxious during such a big project, and acknowledging fear as a natural part of the process can help you and your partner communicate more openly. Remember to wait before making big decisions—taking time to process your feelings can lead to better outcomes and more effective communication.

The Famous Designer, Richard Himmel

My biggest disappointment was the death of Richard Himmel, our famous interior designer. He passed away as our furniture was being delivered. He never saw his last project, our home, completed. But over the years so many did, and they all fell in love with “The last house that Dick built.’ Our Shangri-La.

Of all the men I have met he stands out as one of the most respected. He was named the Decorator of the ’60s by Architectural Digest. Darling, he was so creative. No one to this day in my mind has surpassed his greatness for creativity, imagination, and love of beauty.

I was on his page 100%. He had a Wheaton Terrier, we have a Wheaton Terrier. He had orchids in his home in Palm Beach, I have Orchids in our home and named our first Wheaton, Orchid. I know he would love the name of our second Wheaton, America. I can hear him saying, “Very clever, very clever name. It speaks to me.”

I think of Dick often, especially when I look through each month’s Architectural Digest and wonder why they turned down the entry of our home. Oh well, I know what Dick is doing…he is as busy as ever, fluffing the pillows in heaven!

Have you built or redecorated your home with your partner? I would love to hear your advice and struggles. Please tell me in the comments at the bottom of this page.

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