This is the time of year we begin to think about sharing the holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Hanukkah with our family. Hopefully, these events will be shared in harmony. Unfortunately, sometimes we celebrate with dread because of situations with in-laws. My advice is to put all your negative feelings on the back burner. I am going to give you a few ideas to make the dread go away.
And for you, sweet readers, who will be alone during the upcoming holiday season, now is the time to make a concerted effort to call a friend. Or you can join a group, or think about helping others. Without companionship during the holiday season, you may feel like a lost soul.
My Ultimate Concierge and I are spending Thanksgiving in Scottsdale with my daughter, Jenny, my son-in-law, Bruce, and our grandchildren. We are already looking forward to our togetherness. Together, we will shop, set the table, share turkey, pumpkin pie, lots of laughter, and love. Planning for the holidays often takes weeks, and the anticipation of one holiday can shape our plans and expectations for the future.
Yesterday I sent invitations to my daughter-in-law, Jami, the Good Clan, and my daughter and her clan to celebrate Hanukkah in Chicago. Fingers crossed they will come. Whether someone is invited or not invited can shape the experience of one holiday and set the tone for future gatherings. I look forward to celebrating with family and friends and I hope it will come to pass. Each invite is meaningful and can impact relationships for future holidays.
PREPARING FOR FAMILY GATHERINGS
The holiday season brings with it a flurry of family gatherings, and when in-laws are involved, a little preparation can go a long way. Before the holidays are upon you, take some time to sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your own plans and what you both hope to get out of the celebrations. Setting boundaries and establishing clear expectations together can help prevent misunderstandings and avoid those dreaded ruined holidays.
Think about the needs and wishes of everyone involved—your children, your parents, your in-laws, and, of course, yourselves. By considering each family member, you can create a plan that feels inclusive and fair. Maybe that means alternating which house you visit each year, or deciding in advance how long you’ll spend at each gathering. The key is to communicate openly and make sure everyone is on the same page.
Don’t be afraid to gently set boundaries if you need to protect your own peace or your nuclear family’s traditions. The holidays should be a time of joy, not stress. By planning ahead and dealing with potential issues before they arise, you can help ensure that your family gatherings are filled with warmth, laughter, and happy memories for all.
ROOT YOURSELF WITH A TRIBE
To be rooted within a tribe of people is a very important need of the human soul. Smoothing out complicated in-law dynamics should be the first and most important item on your to-do list. Family gatherings often include not just in-laws but also spouses and extended family, and the dynamics between spouses and their in-laws can greatly affect the overall atmosphere. Marriage brings together different families, making it essential to respect the relationships with both your own parents and your husband’s parents.
You are the matriarch, the hostess, the mom, and the mother-in-law. This means you are in charge of “making miracles” as well as your delicious turkey. Supporting your spouse and working together as a team with your husband can help create a harmonious holiday experience for everyone.
UNDERSTANDING YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW
Navigating the relationship with your mother-in-law can be one of the trickiest parts of family gatherings, especially during the holidays. Every mother-in-law brings her own set of traditions, expectations, and hopes for how the family will celebrate. Sometimes, her vision might not match your own plans, and that’s perfectly normal.
The secret to a smoother holiday is to approach your mother-in-law with empathy and respect. Acknowledge her role in the family and show appreciation for the ways she contributes—whether it’s her famous pie, her knack for decorating, or simply her presence at the table. Inviting her to be part of the planning process can go a long way in making her feel valued, while also giving you a chance to share your own ideas and boundaries.
Remember, you and your partner are a team. Work together to set boundaries that honor both your needs and your mother-in-law’s traditions. Open communication is key—let her know what’s important to your nuclear family, and listen to what matters most to her. By establishing mutual expectations and respecting each other’s perspectives, you can create a holiday atmosphere where everyone feels included and cherished, even when family dynamics are complex.
PROBLEMS WITH IN-LAWS
It is difficult and even mind-boggling to narrow down the list of possible unpleasant encounters that can arise, particularly at family get-togethers that include the in-laws. Many people struggle to establish a clear boundary with in-laws during holiday gatherings, as emotional and social challenges often arise.
As I rack my brain to lump the problems into a manageable narrative, I come up with four thoughts. Believe it or not, it took an hour of thinking because the range of problems is gigantic! At some point, you may need to decide what boundaries are necessary to maintain your standing and well-being during these events.
- Avoid Tension
- Kill the in-laws with kindness
- No expectations
- Neutral topics!
The key point is to establish boundaries early to avoid unnecessary conflict.
AVOID TENSION – KILL THE IN-LAWS WITH KINDNESS
When I am the hostess, I want to avoid tension by killing my in-laws with kindness. Thus the first two ingredients on my marketing list are: Avoid tension and kill them with kindness.
How will I deal with the normal emotions of a mother-in-law? What will make both in-laws ‘feel’ relaxed and happy (if that is possible) at our table?
It’s natural to feel mad or worry about certain comments from in-laws, but it’s important to stay calm and not let one person’s behavior ruin the evening. If someone makes an inappropriate comment, you can respond kindly but assertively, such as, “I appreciate your perspective, but let’s keep the conversation positive tonight.” Sometimes, you need to stand firm in your boundaries, even if it means having a direct conversation. Being direct when you need to talk about boundaries, and talking openly, can prevent misunderstandings and help everyone enjoy the gathering.
Have you experienced or read that the emotion of fear a mother feels about having her son forsake her for his wife? That he might prefer her family and her family holiday functions?
Even if I didn’t care for my in-laws I would, for the sake of all, give them a place of honor at our table. This immediately stops tension. Perhaps I’ll ask my father-in-law to carve the turkey! I will announce before the festivities begin, how special it is to have a mother-in-law’s help planning the menu. Also how much I loved her gift of flowers and what a good grandma she is. This sets a mood. The way you treat each person at the table can set the tone for the whole gathering. They now can feel part of our family, not a guest at our holiday dinner table. I have killed two birds with one stone. The other family members at the table will breathe a sigh of relief.
Of course different strokes for different situations. But, your goal for a special holiday evening is to make your in-laws feel special by honoring them in your fashion.
And, if I were the unhappy in-law at my in-law’s holiday table, I would bite my tongue for three hours. For the sake of the adult children, Grands, and the “out-law” hostess! I am smiling!
NO EXPECTATIONS
In-law situations can be very tricky because families have different expectations. Holiday get-togethers are one example out of a thousand. Unmet expectations are a breeding ground for strained emotions. These emotions run from anger to frustration and even sadness.
If certain traditions or gatherings are causing you stress, it’s okay to decide you don’t want to participate anymore. Sometimes, taking a break from family events is necessary to protect your well-being, and possibly stepping back can help you regain perspective. Choosing to forget past conflicts or family drama can also help you focus on your own life and enjoy the holidays more fully.
Remember, when you don’t expect, you will not be disappointed. You are over 50 plus and should have acquired the emotional tool needed; adaptability.
NEUTRAL TOPICS
If you know of topics that may incite or trigger your inlaws, avoid those topics completely. If the subject comes up, be aware and immediately divert the conversation. Comments about eating, the meal, or what someone chooses to eat can sometimes lead to unnecessary conflict, so it’s best to steer the conversation back to enjoying a nice dinner together. If someone makes a comment about what or how much someone is eating, redirect the subject to something more neutral. Keep your ears open at all times so you will not put yourself in the position of becoming the referee. You do not want to diffuse a bomb. You want to keep the thermostat at your holiday dinner table “cool” at all costs.
RANT AND RAVES
Spending time with kids, babies, and the whole family can make the holidays truly special. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Hanukkah are around the corner. Family traditions like cooking together or sharing a meal that someone has cooked can create lasting memories. The birth of a child or welcoming a new baby can also change the dynamics of holiday gatherings, bringing new joy and sometimes new challenges. After weeks of preparation, it’s important to focus on what matters most—enjoying the company of loved ones. Remember, it’s okay to set boundaries around who pays for what or who is responsible for cooking during the holidays. Let’s have a time of holiday raves instead of rants. However, if you cannot manage this with your family, I would create a Family of Choice or focus on others.
I hope these tips will help any of you that may have a strained relationship with your in-laws. Do you have any tips to add? Please share with me in the comments.
If you enjoyed this article please subscribe. You will get each daily story delivered straight to your inbox.
Want to Learn How to Start a Blog?
Download my free eBook!
CLICK HERE
+ show Comments
- Hide Comments
add a comment