My goal is to help you create a lifestyle of positivity and possibility. I am smiling!

– Warmly, Honey

HOW TO MOVE FORWARD WHEN YOU’RE NO LONGER HAVING SEX

HONEY ON SEX – PART 2 IN THE SERIES

HONEY ON SEX

 

Ah, the complexities of marriage…Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus! It is so true. Right, darling? First, here is a true story:

My Ultimate Concierge goes shopping. He walks right to the shirt department; picks out his size and color, pays the bill, and leaves. He does not stop to admire the ties! 

A woman goes shopping. Let’s take me, as an example. I recall an occasion a few years ago before Covid. When I left my condo-in-the-sky, my purpose was to run out for a new color of red lipstick. Also, I also wanted matching nail polish, and my favorite moisturizer, La Mer. I came home with that and more! 

Also, as I happened by the Armani shop, I spied a salesperson carrying a beautiful coat. Of course, being a gatherer as all women are, I dropped in to talk to the salesman. And, before I left I gathered a new coat and an unexpected new friend; a now best friend! On the way home, I also got a bouquet of flowers from the flower shop.

Can you imagine? Of course, you can because you are like me, a gatherer! I still adore my coat and my now very close friend! 

THE EXPERIENCE

A girl I had never seen in my life walked out of a dressing room at Armani and approached me. She said, “You are a fan of Vivian Myers!” Startled, I replied, “Yes.” Most of you have no inkling of the photographer Vivian Myers. She became famous after her death, not too long ago.

You see, darling, Arkis, a famous designer creates a new design each season that has a twist to it. It is always arty, about someone or something in the news. I happened to be wearing a top with the design of Vivian Myers camera! My new friend collects her photographs! The rest is history. She asked me to have lunch with her at the Arts Club. We met for lunch and the rest is history. 

You see darling, we can gather new friends on our excursions too!

To sum it up: Men are hunters. They go right for the kill. Most of them, that is. Women are gatherers. They hug every little emotion and thing to their little heart!  Right?

So, what is the secret of moving forward when you are no longer have a sexual relationship in your marriage? You can have a loving marriage through warm communication.

The point I am trying to make is that marriage, like shopping, is a different experience for the sexes. Men and women don’t feel things in the same light because marriage is a complex business. And, physical attractions and sexual intimacy tops the marriage shopping list.

So what can you do when your sexual needs are no longer fulfilled and you feel depressed and lonely? 

GATHER YOUR WITS AND MAKE IT HAPPEN

Remember, you are from Venus, darling! So gather your wits and make things happen. Not necessarily sexual intercourse. There are other means to reach a climax without a penis! Right? But, bringing your man around so when it is time to go to bed, you go to bed hugging one another as you drift off to sleep. 

Sexual intimacy can take place during the day when a man and woman are totally dressed!  Sexual intimacy is not only sexual intercourse.

I can only speak for myself. I am sexually aroused daily by my husband in and out of bed. My Ultimate Concierge is the sexiest man I know. I felt that way the moment I first laid eyes on him and I still do. 

It’s the way his left foot turns in a tad when he walks, the way he says my name like no other. His pat on my tush as I pass by. The way he wipes away my tear and listens to me. His manliness, all arouse emotional and sexual feelings. We have an intimate relationship during the day and it is not in bed. And, that helps greatly with the complexities in a marriage.

Next, it is important to remember, darling, a man has to feel the same way towards you. You must, first and foremost, take care of your body and mind. Excite him with the scent of your perfume, your laugh, your smile, your nurturing manner, your curiosity, and your compliments. 

It is important to dress for your man and converse with him. Stay curious and interesting. And no, it is not an old fashioned way of thinking to take care of your man. Remember, all men are little boys. The above suggestions can draw you closer and is a form of sexual intercourse. 

INSTIGATE SELF-CHANGE

I know our bodies must be nourished emotionally and physically. And, the loss of sexual intimacy in the bedroom is a disappointment. I have learned when I cannot get what I want and what I know I need, I pivot and look for another solution. One of the best ways is using your influence to instigate self-change.

For your needed physical release visit a sex shop. I know many husbands long for their wives sexually but due to surgeries or impotence, they can no longer perform. These shops have numerous products that will help reawaken your sexual needs. But remember, when you are a wise and uninhibited wife, there are other sexual ways to communicate in bed! In other words, might you change your behavior and fulfill your needs and your mates!

Concentrate on your daily communication techniques. Maybe they need a new ‘do?’ Great Communication skills can be very sexy, too. In other words, you don’t need a bedroom to become aroused! 

Ideas for Intimacy:

  • Eye contact
  • Holding hands 
  • Sharing a glass of wine while you listen to soft music in the background 
  • Planning a trip together
  • Sharing your intimate feelings and quite frankly all your thoughts 
  • Praising his actions 
  • And definitely staying stylish for yourself and your mate… physically and intellectually

Have you asked yourself recently if you are a good listener? So many of us don’t hear what our mates are telling us. The ability to communicate in a ‘positive’ manner through language is also very sexy and will create very intimate feelings. Being a good listener as well as a good communicator are equally important.

Therefore, ask yourself, are you constantly arguing? Are you too ‘self’ involved? Have you stopped sharing your intimate thoughts,  fears and desires, and joys? Have you taken a look in the mirror? Do you need a new hairdo, a weekly manicure, a completely updated style? 

If so, be good to the you in you and treat yourself. If my above questions fit, what can you expect from your mate? Certainly not a physical relationship in the bedroom.

IS IT TIME TO REWEIGH YOUR OPTIONS?

On the other hand, maybe he turns you off. Maybe you no longer find him attractive. Perhaps he has disappointed you to the nines over the years. Maybe, just maybe everything I have written is pointless because of your situation. In other words, you are done! You are miserable! 

You have probably thought about leaving a hundred times and you find yourself trapped. Perhaps you might reweigh your options? 

You can stay and find other outlets that can bring you joy and will enlighten your life. 

You have the option to leave. Might you find your empowerment to do so? You have it, you know. Sure it is frightening. But putting your fears aside — when you have the financial ability coupled with emotional power to make it happen —take the risk. Don’t stay for the kids, don’t stay because of embarrassment, don’t stay because you fear loneliness …you are lonely! 

Reach for your star. In most instances, your age, any age, does not matter. Your happiness matters. You matter. 

A PERSONAL NOTE

On a very personal note, I stayed in my first marriage because of my children. I  should have left because I was unhappy. Because I was the beneficiary of a large and totally unexpected inheritance, I could have left. I could have supported my young children. I sacrificed for them. They loved their father. 

Leaving a marriage is the most important decision a married woman can make. For those of you over 50+, I will tell you this: 

If you can support yourself, or your mate will support you, I would rather be lonely alone than with someone who did not make my heart sing

Almost all of my friends, widowed and divorced, have connected with new partners and are very happy.

You do not have to be alone as a single person. You will join groups or find other opportunities and connect with like-minded people of both sexes. This is in your hands.

Lastly, if the above is not in your power and is not your problem, I think it is wise to seek out a couple’s therapist. Tell your partner how much you care. Invite him or her to seek counseling so you can reignite the spark that once upon a time was there. Amen.   

You can find Part 1 on Honey on Sex, here.

Have you been able to move beyond traditional physical intimacy? What has been most helpful to you? Please share in the comments.

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6 Comments
  1. What a great article, Honey Good! I love how you’ve addressed every aspect of intimacy (or lack of) in a marriage. I don’t think I can say anything personal on a public site but I appreciate your openness more than I can say!

    I would love your views on another sensitive topic: what to do when an adult child decides to leave you out of her life?

    Thank you so much. I’m grateful for our friendship!

    1. When an adult child erases you from his or her life it is up to that child to want to return. You can do all you can to bring them back into the fold but it is up to them to want to. We have to accept, unfortunately, what we cannot change. So very warmly, Honey

  2. Dear Susie:
    Todays article was fantastic. Everything you say is so true and very helpful. Your honesty is admirable. Wish I were in Chgo. To touch base in person. My significant other had dementia and it’s been over two years since he left. He was a very unexpected person who I met after my husband of 30 years died suddenly in his sleep. Allen turned out to be an incredible interesting loving kind person to me and my children and I fell in love again. I am sad now for both of us. Is it too late for a 4th love or companion!? Stay as terrific and wonderful as you are. Madeleine Costello 312-618-1118.

    1. Dear Madeline, It is never too late to find happiness and love again. Men and women have a deep need for companionship. You are warm, beautiful and loving. You attract people to you. Will it on yourself to find another and make it a priority. And, you will. Where are you living? You have a 312 area code. I will call you when I can. I am dealing with health issues with my ultimate concierge. He just had an aortic valve replacement and does not feel well this am! I am waiting to phone the Dr. xo-

  3. Honey,

    Enjoyed reading these 2 blogs concerning relationships/sex. I have been single for 22 years and I still don’t know how to find that special one. Am I just to picky? Is there something wrong with me? Am I too old? Am I not sexy enough? That is just some of the questions that go through my mind concerning dating/relationships. I pray everyday that God will open a door for me for that special one.

    I don’t have any friends since I have retired and actually the only friend I had has moved to North Carolina. any suggestions or advice.

    Thanks

    Dianne

    1. I do have advice. Join a group. A group that you will find interesting. Church. Book. Movie, Card. Solo Travel.Singles. Do not let fear stop you from doing this. I know you will not know anyone. That will be your fear. The alternative is you will continue to be lonely and alone because you cannot meet people when you isolate yourself. I joined a group when I moved to Hawaii. I did not know anyone. I was nervous but I knew if I did not join a group I would be lonely. I also knew no one was going to ring my doorbell because they are busy with their lives. It was up to me, like it is up to you, to put your fear aside, take a deep breath and just…do it!!! Warmly, Honey

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