HONEY ON SEX – PART 2 IN THE SERIES

Ah, the complexities of marriage…Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus! It is so true. Right, darling? First, here is a true story:

My Ultimate Concierge goes shopping. He walks right to the shirt department; picks out his size and color, pays the bill, and leaves. He does not stop to admire the ties!

A woman goes shopping. Let’s take me, as an example. I recall an occasion a few years ago before Covid. When I left my condo-in-the-sky, my purpose was to run out for a new color of red lipstick. Also, I also wanted matching nail polish, and my favorite moisturizer, La Mer. I came home with that and more!

Also, as I happened by the Armani shop, I spied a salesperson carrying a beautiful coat. Of course, being a gatherer as all women are, I dropped in to talk to the salesman. And, before I left I gathered a new coat and an unexpected new friend; a now best friend! On the way home, I also got a bouquet of flowers from the flower shop.

Can you imagine? Of course, you can because you are like me, a gatherer! I still adore my coat and my now very close friend! Many marriages face these kinds of differences and challenges, and it’s important to recognize that issues like lack of sexual intimacy can affect marriages in significant ways, sometimes even leading to divorce if left unresolved. Sexual intimacy plays a crucial role in relationships, influencing both emotional connection and overall satisfaction between partners.

UNDERSTANDING THE ISSUE

Understanding the issue of a sexless marriage is the first step toward moving forward and finding new ways to connect with your partner. A sexless marriage, sometimes called a no sex marriage, is when one or both partners experience a significant lack of sexual intimacy or sexual activity, even though the relationship itself continues. This absence of sexual relationship can lead to emotional distance, feelings of frustration, and a sense of disconnection between partners.

It’s important to remember, darling, that many couples find themselves at this point at some stage in their marriage. A decline in sexual interest or lower sexual desire is not uncommon, and it can be caused by a variety of factors—physical health issues, mental health concerns, stress, or even the natural ebb and flow of life. Sometimes, past mistakes or negative sexual experiences can also affect sexual behavior and desire, making it difficult to feel relaxed or connected in the bedroom.

Physical intimacy is about so much more than just sexual intercourse. It’s about feeling close, sharing affection, and building a strong emotional connection. When sexual desire fades, it can lead to feelings of isolation or even depression, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of a fulfilling marriage. The key is to talk openly and communicate honestly about your feelings, desires, and concerns. Open communication allows both partners to understand each other’s perspectives and work together to restore intimacy.

If you find that health issues or mental health challenges are affecting your sex life, seeking help from a medical professional or therapist can make a world of difference. Sex therapy, in particular, can help couples identify the underlying causes of their sexual issues and develop new ways to connect, both physically and emotionally.

Remember, darling, a fulfilling marriage is built on trust, respect, and emotional connection. By understanding the issue, talking openly, and seeking support when needed, you and your partner can rebuild intimacy and create a more satisfying and intimate relationship—one that goes far beyond the bedroom.

THE EXPERIENCE

A girl I had never seen in my life walked out of a dressing room at Armani and approached me. She said, “You are a fan of Vivian Myers!” Startled, I replied, “Yes.” Most of you have no inkling of the photographer Vivian Myers. She became famous after her death, not too long ago.

You see, darling, Arkis, a famous designer creates a new design each season that has a twist to it. It is always arty, about someone or something in the news. I happened to be wearing a top with the design of Vivian Myers camera! My new friend collects her photographs! The rest is history. She asked me to have lunch with her at the Arts Club. We met for lunch and the rest is history.

You see darling, we can gather new friends on our excursions too!

To sum it up: Men are hunters. They go right for the kill. Most of them, that is. Women are gatherers. They hug every little emotion and thing to their little heart!  Right?

So, what is the secret of moving forward when you are no longer have a sexual relationship in your marriage? You can have a loving marriage through warm communication. Ongoing conversation is essential for maintaining connection and intimacy, helping couples address issues and stay emotionally close.

The point I am trying to make is that marriage, like shopping, is a different experience for the sexes. Men and women don’t feel things in the same light because marriage is a complex business. And, physical attractions and sexual intimacy tops the marriage shopping list.

So what can you do when your sexual needs are no longer fulfilled and you feel depressed and lonely?

GATHER YOUR WITS AND MAKE IT HAPPEN

Remember, you are from Venus, darling! So gather your wits and make things happen. Not necessarily sexual intercourse. There are other means to reach a climax without a penis! Right? Couples can build intimacy through shared activities, spending quality time together, and fostering emotional closeness. But, bringing your man around so when it is time to go to bed, you go to bed hugging one another as you drift off to sleep.

Sexual intimacy can take place during the day when a man and woman are totally dressed!  Sexual intimacy is not only sexual intercourse.

I can only speak for myself. I am sexually aroused daily by my husband in and out of bed. My Ultimate Concierge is the sexiest man I know. I felt that way the moment I first laid eyes on him and I still do. There have been times when we truly enjoyed sex, and remembering those moments helps us reconnect emotionally and physically.

It’s the way his left foot turns in a tad when he walks, the way he says my name like no other. His pat on my tush as I pass by. The way he wipes away my tear and listens to me. His manliness, all arouse emotional and sexual feelings. We have an intimate relationship during the day and it is not in bed. And, that helps greatly with the complexities in a marriage.

Next, it is important to remember, darling, a man has to feel the same way towards you. You must, first and foremost, take care of your body and mind. Changes in libido can affect intimacy, so being mindful of your physical and mental health is essential. Excite him with the scent of your perfume, your laugh, your smile, your nurturing manner, your curiosity, and your compliments.

It is important to dress for your man and converse with him. Stay curious and interesting. And no, it is not an old fashioned way of thinking to take care of your man. Remember, all men are little boys. The above suggestions can draw you closer and is a form of sexual intercourse.

There are different ways to connect, and a low sex marriage can still be fulfilling if both partners are committed to building emotional intimacy.

When trying to excite your partner, remember that sometimes one partner may have a different level of desire or libido, so it’s important to communicate openly about these differences.

Communication is key, and being on the same page about intimacy and expectations helps strengthen your relationship.

Ultimately, focus on building a strong emotional connection, even when sexual activity is less frequent.

INSTIGATE SELF-CHANGE

I know our bodies must be nourished emotionally and physically. And, the loss of sexual intimacy in the bedroom is a disappointment. I have learned when I cannot get what I want and what I know I need, I pivot and look for another solution. One of the best ways is using your influence to instigate self-change. It’s also important to face the truth about your relationship and intimacy needs, as honest self-reflection is key to growth.

For your needed physical release visit a sex shop. I know many husbands long for their wives sexually but due to surgeries or impotence, they can no longer perform. These shops have numerous products that will help reawaken your sexual needs. But remember, when you are a wise and uninhibited wife, there are other sexual ways to communicate in bed! In other words, might you change your behavior and fulfill your needs and your mates! Sometimes, certain behaviors or communication styles can act as leads that influence intimacy and connection in your relationship.

Concentrate on your daily communication techniques. Maybe they need a new ‘do?’ Great Communication skills can be very sexy, too. In other words, you don’t need a bedroom to become aroused! Make it a priority to communicate openly with your partner, as honest and transparent conversations build trust and emotional intimacy. Poor communication has led to issues in many relationships, so improving how you connect can make a significant difference.

Ideas for Intimacy:

• Eye contact
• Holding hands
• Sharing a glass of wine while you listen to soft music in the background
• Planning a trip together
• Sharing your intimate feelings and quite frankly all your thoughts
• Praising his actions
• And definitely staying stylish for yourself and your mate… physically and intellectually

Sometimes, couples may find that without physical intimacy, their relationship starts to feel more like they are just good friends rather than intimate partners. If this happens, it’s important to address it by exploring ways to deepen your connection and rekindle intimacy.

Have you asked yourself recently if you are a good listener? So many of us don’t hear what our mates are telling us. The ability to communicate in a ‘positive’ manner through language is also very sexy and will create very intimate feelings. Being a good listener as well as a good communicator are equally important. Not sharing openly can lead to feeling disconnected from your partner, making it harder to maintain intimacy.

Therefore, ask yourself, are you constantly arguing? Are you too ‘self’ involved? Have you stopped sharing your intimate thoughts, fears and desires, and joys? Have you taken a look in the mirror? Do you need a new hairdo, a weekly manicure, a completely updated style?

It is also important to acknowledge how one feels in the relationship, as recognizing your own emotions can help you understand what might be missing or needed.

If so, be good to the you in you and treat yourself. If my above questions fit, what can you expect from your mate? Certainly not a physical relationship in the bedroom.

IS IT TIME TO REWEIGH YOUR OPTIONS?

On the other hand, maybe he turns you off. Maybe you no longer find him attractive. Perhaps he has disappointed you to the nines over the years. Maybe, just maybe everything I have written is pointless because of your situation. In other words, you are done! You are miserable!

You have probably thought about leaving a hundred times and you find yourself trapped. Financial stress can make it even harder to leave a relationship, adding another layer to the feeling of being stuck. Perhaps you might reweigh your options?

You can stay and find other outlets that can bring you joy and will enlighten your life.

You have the option to leave. When considering this, think about how your decision might affect your future relationships and your ability to heal and grow. Might you find your empowerment to do so? You have it, you know. Sure it is frightening. But putting your fears aside — when you have the financial ability coupled with emotional power to make it happen —take the risk. Don’t stay for the kids, don’t stay because of embarrassment, don’t stay because you fear loneliness …you are lonely!

Reach for your star. In most instances, your age, any age, does not matter. Your happiness matters. You matter. Empowerment means making the best decision for yourself, your spouse, and your own happiness.

A PERSONAL NOTE

On a very personal note, I stayed in my first marriage because of my children. I should have left because I was unhappy. Because I was the beneficiary of a large and totally unexpected inheritance, I could have left. I could have supported my young children. I sacrificed for them. They loved their father.

Leaving a marriage is the most important decision a married woman can make. For those of you over 50+, I will tell you this:

If you can support yourself, or your mate will support you, I would rather be lonely alone than with someone who did not make my heart sing.

Sometimes, issues like anxiety or the side effects of many medications can impact intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction, making these decisions even more complex.

Almost all of my friends, widowed and divorced, have connected with new partners and are very happy.

You do not have to be alone as a single person. You will join groups or find other opportunities and connect with like-minded people of both sexes. This is in your hands. Exploring your sexuality in future relationships can also bring new fulfillment and joy.

Having the confidence to make such a life-changing decision is empowering and can lead to greater happiness.

Lastly, if the above is not in your power and is not your problem, I think it is wise to seek out a couple’s therapist. Tell your partner how much you care. Invite him or her to seek counseling so you can reignite the spark that once upon a time was there. Amen.

You can find Part 1 on Honey on Sex, here.

Have you been able to move beyond traditional physical intimacy? What has been most helpful to you? Please share in the comments.

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