“A daughter is an extension of her mother and also a woman unto herself” ~Honey

To handle mother-daughter arguments, the goal is to stay calm, bite your tongue instead of firing back, communicate with each other’s feelings in mind, smooth things over before a verbal fight grows, and keep the relationship open with loving gestures like texts and praise. You love one another…yet one of you is often saying the wrong thing! Many of these clashes are relationship-based misunderstandings shaped by family patterns, shifting roles, and changes over time with age, not simply bad behavior, and that is why navigating conflict between a mother and daughter can be uniquely challenging. Mothers and daughters often both feel misunderstood, unheard, and too quick to read hurt into each other’s words, especially during life transitions that change expectations on both sides. Does that sound familiar, dear readers? I have toiled over the years to improve my communication skills with my daughters because they are attuned to everything I say! My girls weigh my every sentence! Personally I feel they are, at times, very unskilled Tic Toc detectives, meaning they read into my words incorrectly. So what’s a mother to do? These tips are for mothers and daughters who argue often and want a healthier relationship, including seasons of major life transitions, and they will show you how to stay calm, communicate better with tools like listening well and using “I” statements, smooth over conflict with love and boundaries, keep talking instead of shutting down, and use praise to protect a loving bond that can shape how the next generation communicates.

Tips for surviving mother daughter conflict and arguments

Recently, I had a telephone conversation with one of my daughters.

I said, “I am so happy to hear your voice. I haven’t seen you in a while (I live in the city, she lives in the burbs) and I miss you.”

My daughter’s calm response, “Well, I don’t know why you are complaining, mom. You travel and spend the winter in California.”

Wow! I ask myself, “Where did that come from?”

Though I wanted to immediately retort and defend myself, I paused and bit my tongue because I know the intensity of mother-daughter relationships.

We hung up with a cool good-bye. I wondered to myself… what was the cause of this explosion? Looking back at what happened, I realized the real issue was not my remark itself but the underlying emotional core beneath it. Then, I realized she missed me when I am away; her disappointment came from unmet expectations. When a daughter does not feels safe saying what is wrong directly, it can come out sideways in conflict. Like many daughters, she needed her parent to acknowledge the emotional needs of the child in that bond.

1. Stay calm

So, my first rule of thumb when dealing with negative communication is to bite your tongue and take a moment before you respond, so high emotion does not take over. Think twice before you speak once! Staying calm also means staying present and not dragging old grievances into the current conversation, because people often say hurtful things when they are angry. A negative retort will most probably lead you into a verbal war zone! Why suffer?

The next day, I grabbed a taxi to go to the Arts Club for a lecture and my iPhone rings. I see my daughter’s name. My heart begins to race. I didn’t know what to expect!

“Mom, I am so sorry about yesterday. I had a lot on my mind,” she said.

I sighed with relief, then replied, “Of course, I understand. I am so happy you called. I love you so much.”

“Thank you for understanding, mom. I love you so much too,”she replied.

You see dear readers, I never allowed myself to enter into a verbal war zone with my daughter on either of the phone calls. I didn’t defend myself on the first call; instead, I tried to listen for what she was really feeling, especially when someone is emotionally flooded, because improving communication requires practicing active listening and validating each other’s feelings. Practicing active listening means focusing entirely on understanding the other person’s perspective, and validation helps create the sense of feeling heard without necessarily agreeing with the tone. I immediately forgave her on the second call.

2. Good communication

My second rule of thumb: Teach yourself to use good communication skills by using “I” statements that reduce blame and defensiveness, and offering advice carefully so it does not sound like criticism, such as saying how a comment made you feel instead of accusing the other person. I did this by remembering how I felt as a daughter when my mother and I argued. It also helps to talk with curiosity about what the other person meant or was experiencing, because if she believes you are correcting her rather than listening, mothers and daughters often feel misunderstood and defensiveness grows. Old communication patterns often repeat unless you consciously reshape them. Good communication should respect a daughter’s freedom and her right to make choices in her own life.

3. Smooth things over

Smooth the waters at all costs. Please make love not war. Refuse to get into a “you said, I said” situation with your daughters! That is not to say you don’t want to! That is not to say you are a weak mother. In any mother daughter conflict, choosing calm does not mean you cannot set boundaries with respect, and clear guardrails often help prevent conflicts before resentment builds. You are actually a very strong mother, and healthy boundaries clarify expectations and protect emotional connection rather than harm it. Your actions are teaching your daughters how to communicate properly with their daughters through the teen years and into adulthood. Many mothers struggle when a little girl grows up and wants more independence. As you guide her, avoid projecting your own past expectations or fears that she will repeat the same mistakes, and take care not to burden her with your own emotional needs, because conflict often grows when mothers place their regrets onto daughters.

4. Don’t shut her out

Lastly, refuse to close the communication door. I start sending loving text messages with my emojis of two hearts intertwined, a red lip meant as a kiss, a rainbow for peace and last but not least a big red XO. They love them! And… they love me! How can they refuse to answer? Small positive contact outside an argument helps build healthier patterns and makes future conversations easier by creating more room for connection, especially when you do not ignore tension for too long.

Feel good in your role as their mother. You are their role model. This matters whether your daughter is a teen, one of many grown women finding her footing, or even a friend-like adult companion, as long as boundaries stay healthy. Use or learn positive communication skills to smooth over mother-daughter arguments. If the pattern becomes chronic or damaging, outside support or a therapist can help, especially during big family changes like moving out of the house, caregiving, or becoming a grandmother, and therapy can provide tools for better communication and understanding.

And one more tip… don’t forget the power of PRAISE. A mother’s praise will light a daughter’s life and help girls build confidence in the world and later strengthen adult relationships.

Have you had challenges in your relationships with daughters? How have you handled them? How do you keep the peace? I would so love to hear from you either in the comments below or on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Worth repeating: This post originally ran in June 2015