My goal is to help you create a lifestyle of positivity and possibility. I am smiling!

– Warmly, Honey

Today on Ask Honey – Widowhood, Loneliness & More!

Dear Darling, 

It is important that one’s life must be infused with meaning. That is why we get up in the morning. We either have a mission, a passion, or a vocation to look forward to. But now, with the Coronavirus, life has stopped as we know it. It is bizarre, isn’t it? To turn on our television set and see New York’s Times Square, Chicago’s Michigan Avenue and L.A.’s Melrose Place main thoroughfares empty of autos, people and sound. Life as we have known it is gone, for the time.

Business is closed, public gatherings are unlawful, schools are closed, dining out with friends forgotten, the stock market is falling and human touching is not allowed. Those of us who have a spouse, a significant other, a roommate, or a pooch is beyond fortunate to have one another. Those that are entirely alone are sure to be feeling increased stress and anxiety because people need people, people need community!

I Really Put You In a Funk, But Not For Long!

Over the past week’s everyone has self-isolated; a total life change. Over the past 35-days, I have not heard a complaint. I am amazed at everyone’s resilience and their ability to figure out how to get through the unpleasant self-isolation caused by COVID-19. What is their secret? I believe figuring out what they need in their lives no matter the circumstances. 

Every woman who writes her question to ASK HONEY has the ability to reach out for advice, information, or guidance in order to unlock some type of problem because she wants to lead a happier life. These women are showing their vulnerable side. They are powerful. 

The Answers To Your Questions

April 23, 2020

Ms. Ess Asks:

Hi Honey,

I love your Thursday advice column. It’s interesting to read and relate to other people’s concerns and read your well thought out advice.

Here is mine. It’s the invisible thing. I had a positive event happen in my life several months ago which everyone knew about. We had a family brunch planned shortly after where lots of family gathered, mostly of the generation behind me. No one approached me about my life change, no one asked me and therefore I have to understand that no one really cared.

I have always been the one to approach others, asking about their lives. I show lots of interest in what others are doing, how is this or that. This time, I wanted to run this experiment, just to see, what would happen if I didn’t start talking about my life event? Would others care enough to approach me and ask me about it? The answer was no.

I am trying to figure out, why? Is everyone so wrapped up in themselves? I don’t normally feel invisible, but this experience hit me hard.

Thank you, Honey.

Dear Ess,

I am going to tell you two true stories. One of my close friends who is loving, warm, bright, and has a great personality spends every Thanksgiving with her large family. Last Thanksgiving she told me she felt ‘invisible’ even though she is very close to her children and grandchildren. She said, “The grandchildren were together and my children were together and I felt so left out. They ignored me, didn’t ask about my life. I know they love me; I was just not important in their life and felt invisible.” 

And, I notice at times when I am with my children and grandchildren I feel a disconnect. But it’s one-sided. When I am involved in their interests and a welcome participant they welcome me with open arms. But, when I have something exciting to share with them or if I want to do something that interests me, that I want to share with them on occasion, I feel a change in mood. They love me and they care, but they are not interested.

I believe this is partially the reason you feel invisible. The generation gap. I don’t know your age but I do know that the older generations are more mannerly and considerate than the younger generations. Life values have changed. Therefore, if I were you I would not allow my family to put me on a downer. I would consider the circumstances. I do think they care and love you; they, unfortunately, are not interested and you are not alone! So, now I hope you are feeling better.

Please continue to be who you are, caring, and maybe just maybe you might consider sitting down with a few of your relatives who you feel closer to and explain to them how you are feeling. Being candid in a nonconfrontational manner can lead to a new beginning.

Warmly,

Honey

 


 

Audrey Asks:

Hi Honey!

I am so glad I came across your page, today especially. I love your Moxie!  I’m writing because I have lots of Moxie, but so many mixed messages and bullies from outside, I don’t know how to share myself and gifts. I sometimes don’t know how to gain strength in my footing. Any books, tips, or particular quotes or activities you could suggest to help me strengthen my confidence in myself and my path? Thank you for your page and for sharing your experience and knowledge with others.

Best,

Audrey 

Hi Audrey,

Before I delve into your message deeper I would like you to ask yourself this question: Are you choosing friends with your values? If you are not, consider doing what I have learned to do: choose friends and peers ‘who mirror you;’ your values, your interests, your style. Don’t choose friends you have to mirror because you will never be happy.

You are looking for a way(s) to strengthen your self-confidence. For starters, you are not alone. So are many women. From my personal experience, I know a woman’s confidence grows when she feels her self-worth; A woman feels her self-worth blossom with each new triumph. Each triumph should be in areas you find joy. The more you accomplish, the better you will feel about yourself, the stronger your footing will be and bullies who are weak people will stay out of your path.

Here are a few ideas for starters. Remember, you cannot blossom without effort.

I suggest you begin with a disciplined workout routine. A woman who is in shape and feels good about her appearance feels her self-worth, her emotional power. The next step is to evaluate your abilities. What do you like to do in your spare time? When I was your age I made the effort to join an organization where I thought I would make a difference and enjoy the membership because we had a common interest. I tackled jobs that I liked but had never tried before and when I did a good job my self-worth grew. I triumphed.

In the career department: Have a career that fulfills you, that you like and do well. Your self-worth will grow because you are happy with what you are doing and doing it well. Your social life is important and should be about the quality of your friendships and not how many people you know. Learn to value yourself by choosing a few friends who meet your standards. You must learn to trust your instincts. Your self-worth will grow as your friendships deepen.

Take tiny steps… one at a time. You are a Moxie girl. Keep in touch if you need me. I am but a message away.

Warmly,

Honey

 


 

Carol Asks:

Dear Honey,

I think I have osteoporosis but I will get a density test later as it was canceled due to the virus thing. I have been taking AlgaeCal which gets good reviews. As well, I talked to their Dr. Rep and upped my protein. I am 77 and I have heard and read things about Prolia, Fosamax, etc. I would like something natural. But, I wondered if other women faced this decision too. I know you are not a medical doctor but any advice would be helpful.

Best,

Carol

Dear Carol,

Yes, many women are faced with making this decision. You are not alone. 

You should have a bone density test to determine your bone density when COVID-19 has passed. Your doctor will be given the report and then with his help, you will make a decision about what to do. 

Before you visit your doctor for your report, do your homework and study your options of drugs on the market so you will be able to have an intelligent conversation with them. You mentioned you would like to take a natural product. Stop into some health food stores and educate yourself. 

I don’t take an osteoporosis drug. I have listened in on conversations with friends of mine and there are pros and cons of the drugs on the market. Some of the women I know take one shot a year, others take one pill a week. Some take calcium supplements and some decide they will work out and lift weights and avoid taking any of the drugs. 

I hope I helped!

Warmly,

Honey

 


 

Anonymous Asks:

Hi Honey,

I lost my loving husband in January, on my birthday. It was a sudden death heart attack.  He was 59. We were partners in everything with many plans for the rest of our lives. He was truly my prince charming, I had my fairy tale. We were so inseparable in business and in our busy life. I adored him as he did me.  
 
But I won’t go on and on about our love for each other, just understand it was deep and we had a very happy life. I now feel that the rug has been pulled out from under me. I’m also 59 and am counting the years ahead of me and wondering what is ahead in my short time left as I’ve come to find out can be taken at any moment. 
 
I’m very lonely as I am the kind of woman that wishes and wants a man by her side as a companion in all things. As well, I don’t have many women friends as that is not where my fulfillment has come from in the past. I am trying to venture out though, with different groups.  
 
But, I miss having a partner and someone to take care of as that is my personality. I am a true giver and enjoy that very much. My question is this: Is it too soon to pursue finding another mate? I mean no disrespect to my husband and our wonderful 10 years. 
 
Somehow I feel it in my spirit that he is cheering me on, go be happy and find the person to share the rest of my years with.
 
I have not opened up to anyone I know about these feelings for fear of judgment. I feel I can mourn in my own way, but keep all my life with him in a very special place in my heart… but still, go forward.
 
Am I crazy to be thinking of this?  I would like to hear your thoughts.
 
Thank you, Honey.

 

Dear Anonymous,

We have much in common. I was widowed, as you know, in my forties, with the sudden death of my late husband of a heart attack. And, I lived in Honolulu with my husband and daughters during that time of my life, a perfect place to go through the mourning process because of the sea and the calm. At Michael’s funeral, someone handed me a small paperback book that became my little savior. It has been reprinted a few times and I don’t like the new versions. How to Survive the Loss of a Love, is the title. I would only buy the first edition. Even if it is a used edition I would purchase it. It is that worthwhile. Also on the news page of honeygood.com, there is an interview I did on Widowhood that you can listen to. It tells my story of how I grieved.
 
I understand every word of your message. Loneliness is hard to bear. You and I went through a terrible experience; one day we were wives and in seconds we became widows. This is a terrible shock to our emotional well-being, the suddenness. Though I didn’t realize I was in shock, I could not concentrate and I did not stop crying over Michael’s death even though I was very lucky to meet my Ultimate Concierge ten months after Michael died… It was love at first sight.
 
What I am trying to explain to you, what I learned from the little book I want you to own, is that; Everyone must go through the mourning process of four steps to survive the loss of a love or any type of loss.
 
If you decide to date and there is no right or wrong… be careful not to leap into a hot relationship because it takes time to acknowledge what happened, and what course to take life after a sudden loss. I am sure you have read books that tell widows and widowers to wait a year before you make any decisions.
 
I hope I helped a little. You will survive. You will have another happy life. Just be careful.
 
Warmly,
Honey
 

We are all GRANDWOMEN with moxie, and we need to stick together. If you have a question for next week, please ask it in the form below.

 
2 Comments
  1. hello Honey
    I always admire your lovely crop of hair, can you please share your hair products and haircare? I have fine hair, sadly, I have had substantial hairloss over the past 8 years probably due to the stress of rheumatoid arthritis and it’s meds. I do follow a very healthy diet and daily take my hydrolyzed collagen supplement as directed. Thank you for a wonderful forum, I just love being 64!

    1. I would love to share my shampoo and cream rinses I use. The shampoo is Moroccan Oil Hydrating Shampoo and cream rinse. I also use a greying shampoo and cream rinse that I purchase at Walgreens. Jhimack Silver shampoo and cream rinse. I blow my hair dry and use a hair straightener iron.That is my routine. There is the vitamin Biotin you can take. 10,000 units. I hope I helped. Age is just a number, right? Warmly, Honey

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