An unexpected circumstance can change one’s direction, often in a most uncanny manner. Who would have thought in a million years a man I have never met helped me make a decision that I will always remember?

I must thank him when I meet him again. He awakened and energized my desire to write about an important chapter in my life. In that moment, I began to realize how meaningful it is to share these stories and the impact they can have on others. Sharing stories can resonate deeply with other families, reminding us of the bonds and values we all cherish. This story had been silenced by one of my children, my own child, out of her mixed desire to provide privacy for her family and her personal agenda. I will honor her objections.

Fortunately, my other daughter, daughter-in-law, son-in-law, and Grands have given me their approval. And with much exuberance. The idea of capturing and sharing the unique connections and experiences within my family truly inspires me. The written word has the power to preserve our family history and keep our memories alive for future generations. I will begin writing stories about my family relationships. I will write about my daughter Jenny and son in law, Bruce. My daughter-in-law, Jami, and my brood of the most fabulous grandchildren. Stay tuned.

THE BEGINNING

I was a very young grandmother, under forty-five when my first grandchild was born. Even then, I still felt like a girl in some ways, adjusting to this new role while holding onto parts of my younger self. My close friend, who was ten years older, was called Honey by her grandchildren. I recall the day I asked her if she would mind if I took her name. She was delighted and I was thrilled because the name Honey defines a grandma and the traditional role she plays in the family. As a woman, there are certain expectations and qualities associated with being a grandmother—loyalty, sacrifice, and nurturing—that I strive to embody. Society often expects women to naturally take on these roles, especially as they become grandmothers. She is sweetness personified.

I don’t have to try and live up to my title. It comes naturally. I am loving, fun, energetic, enjoy spending time with children of all ages. I am not a judgmental grandmother. I relate on an emotional level to a Grand who is four, eight, twelve, sixteen, twenty, and older. I just flow in the role. My Grands feel my sincerity and interest. I love them, enjoy them, learn from them, cherish them, and would do anything for them within my power.

I have a blended family and I love all my grands with all my heart. In our family, the legacy of enduring marriages is a source of pride and a reminder of the commitment that shapes our lives.

If you are thinking to yourself she is ‘little Miss Perfect,’ don’t. Looking back on my life I wish I could have spent more time with everyone. I feel guilty trying to be here, there, and everywhere. To add to our family situation our adult children and Grands live far away from Chicago. These factors are not the best for blending a large family. But we are blended. I feel it.

AN IMPORTANT FACT OF LIFE

I think most mothers and grandmothers see their children as adults. They have a deep sense of emotional understanding and intuition about their children that shapes their guidance and support. This understanding often includes witnessing the suffering and struggles their children endure throughout life. I’ve learned that children, no matter their age, will always see themselves as children.

LOOKING BACK ON MOTHER AND MOTHERHOOD

My daughters, their father who passed away, and I had a very strong root system. The death of their father was a profound loss for all of us. Before we moved to Honolulu, where my children spent their growing up years, we were attached at the hip. This attachment only enhanced when we moved to the Islands because family members—including their sisters, brother, and uncles—spent an exorbitant amount of time together in our house, which my late husband and I made a home full of memories and laughter. The house, built on the foundation of family history and inspired by stories of my grandfather, was more than just a building; it was the heart of our family’s world, with every room echoing with laughter and togetherness.

After my late husband passed, we lived another year in the Islands. A year later, my daughters and I decided to move from that peaceful Island setting and lifestyle to the bustling city of Chicago, leaving behind the house that held so many summer memories and funny stories.

Shortly after the sudden death of their father, we moved away from the peaceful islands they had always called home. Where trade winds blew softly through their bedrooms, palms swayed in our yard, and orchids bloomed. We ate fresh bananas and mangos from our trees. We walked barefoot or in flip-flops, and the girls would laugh at the funny things that happened during those carefree days. I remember walking with my daughters along the beach, cherishing those moments before everything changed.

To go from that tranquility abruptly to life in the big city was a shocker for my daughters. I was surprised by how deeply the move affected all of us. My daughters needed me more than ever. I hoped they would find happiness and support in our new world, but we all felt a bit lost after losing their father. The pain of losing a loved one lingers, and the emotional impact is something you carry with you. And then I met my ultimate concierge, who would become my spouse, and it was love at first sight—a new marriage and a new chapter for our family. Sometimes, you just have to wait for life to unfold in unexpected ways.

The timing was bad.

He was and is a perfect mate–he was not the perfect new dad. He wanted me to himself. They wanted me to themselves. I wanted to please everyone and be with everyone. I had overwhelming empathy for my children. It was an impossible situation. He wanted to travel and buy a second home in California. I did too, but with a heavy heart, torn between my spouse and my daughters. Family affairs became complicated as we all tried to adjust to the passing from one life stage to another, and as the children navigated new schools and routines.

My daughters needed me and missed the way it had been. An open-door policy, kids running in and out of our home, sisters and brother playing together, uncles visiting, and every room filled with life. They could not accept it. I needed them, too. I had a heavy heart. My mother told me to put my husband first. “The girls will find husbands and have their own life,” was her advice. It took years for wounds to heal and I am choking up as I write these words.

I would call from Moscow at 3:00 AM sitting on a cold bathroom floor to talk. I would take them on trips and invite them to California. I would drive to the suburbs twice a week when I was not in California or traveling to visit one family. But, when my daughter broke her ankle, I was not by her side, and I felt the pain of being lost in the shuffle of new responsibilities.

Once a father or mother dies, the family is never the same again. The love is still as strong but the lifestyle changes. The point is, you must decide how to move forward, seek advice from those you trust, and have faith that God will guide you and your family members through the changes.

THE GOODS – MY BLENDED FAMILY

I feel we are blood relatives. I love them. This is a compliment to them.

With my ultimate concierge’s family, it was different because I was not the biological mother of his sons. I was not my wonderful daughter-in-law’s biological mom. The dynamics within our blended household brought unique challenges and opportunities for connection. Sibling relationships, like those between a brother and a sister, became especially important in our blended family, shaping how we navigated family bonds. I owe so much to my blended family for their acceptance and support during these times. Managing all the stuff—shared belongings and possessions—was sometimes challenging, but it taught us the value of understanding and compromise. They did not get angry with me when it was hard to visit because they knew I really cared and wanted to be with them. They could appreciate what was going on and were not as emotionally attached to the situation. They could accept.

THE NOW

Over the years my daughters and my blends married. My grandchildren were born, and all of them took off for the unknown. From New York to Austin to LA and San Fran and Arizona our adult children and their children settled.

How do I feel?

I am happy for them. I know they miss the bond of having family in their communities. They make a concerted effort to stay in close touch, not wanting to lose the sense of connection with family members.

When I think about my wishes, I wish that our family lived in a close radius of each other. These wishes come from the hope that we could share more of our lives together, because that is how a family survives and thrives. I am capable of being the glue that could bind us together. I often dream of spending time in person on a regular basis with my grands and adult children.

I feel we are all being cheated because my ultimate concierge and I could give all 20+ so much more. And the children and the Grands could give us that much more, too.

I wish I could say I sat each week with my grands over a cup of hot chocolate or a burger and fries. We would talk about the importance of positivity, living life outside the box, being curious, daring themselves to dare, to be generous and grateful. When things get tough they must get tougher.

The value of family is not measured in money, but in the shared experiences and memories we create together.

I want them to see the positive in everything, even their disappointments. And that kindness counts. To do unto others as they would want others to do unto them. To love openly, to be charitable, and to listen to their heart. It knows.

The lives of our family members, both past and present, shape our family legacy and the values we hold dear.

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE

Adult children will always be children and need their parents. Grandchildren definitely need their grandparents. Grandparents need their grandchildren.

Friends also play a vital role, offering support and shared experiences that enrich our lives alongside family relationships.

Strong family bonds and open communication can help prevent misunderstandings and disputes, reducing the likelihood of conflicts escalating to the point where court involvement is necessary.

HOW WE STAY IN TOUCH

We just returned from five days at my daughter’s in Arizona. We stay with our children. We are a family that plays together and stays together. We are returning to Arizona for Thanksgiving.

The best gift I got on this trip was, “Mom, let’s talk every day.” My heart swelled with happiness.

My grandson Scott Good called the day we left for Arizona. We were on the plane ready to take off when my phone rang…

“Hey Honey, can Katie, AJ, and I come to Chicago for a visit in the next few weeks?”

“OMG yes! Whatever plans we might have I will cancel. Get back to me, whenever. I am so excited and so is Papa.”

This winter I would like to take a group of our grands down the Nile in Egypt.

Of course, we keep the channels open through texting. Sometimes, we also send handwritten notes or a letter on paper, which adds a special touch to our communication. I still remember a particularly memorable letter my granddaughter sent me last year, filled with stories and humor that truly captured her personality and made me feel connected despite the distance. Our conversations are often deep and always meaningful with all the family.

I heard from my grandson Jack and my daughter, Jenny as I am writing.

OVER THE YEARS

Over the years we have established a loving and flowing pattern of family togetherness. I am at peace now. After years of building this bond, I can finally rest and appreciate the sense of relief that comes with it. I am able to commit myself to them and still maintain a loving relationship with my ultimate concierge. They all know it.

Reflecting on this, I am reminded of my own grandma—her humor, candid stories, and the way she brought our family together with her warmth and wisdom. Her influence shaped my values and the way I cherish these moments of togetherness.

That is why I can smile.

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