What are guidelines for a caring connection? Karen Harrow explains. 

Guidelines For A Caring Connection

Pancakes.

That’s the first thing brought to mind when I think of my Aunt J, a beloved family member. My vibrant, fierce, tennis-playing aunt who loves fresh flowers, Gilbert and Sullivan songs, and tight hugs.

As a child, waking up in her house meant the smell of melting butter and a table full of laughter with my cousins. Those crispy pancakes did not come off her spatula fast enough. Aunt J was nurturing and generous. I always made sure to acknowledge the positive impact she had on my life and the many ways she contributed to our family. She once sat for hours in an empty house waiting for movers so I could inherit my grandmother’s wooden dressers since I had moved out of state. She was intolerant of gossip and cuss words. I respected her standards and boundaries.

A Change In Aunt J

But, in more recent years, Aunt J became edgy. When I would call her to say hello, she, on more than one occasion, insulted one of my children to me. She used coarse language I never had heard come out of her mouth. Her nasty criticisms and long rants became our only “conversations.” I found myself repelled and confused. I would put off calling her. Still, I knew how important it was to stay connected with loved ones, even when it felt difficult.

I am embarrassed to admit I used to press decline when her number popped up on my phone. When she was diagnosed with a brain illness, it shed light on why she acted so differently but it didn’t change that I dreaded calling her to keep in touch. I felt guilty that months would go by and I would avoid her. Her condition continued to decline and yet I was paralyzed with discomfort to try to maintain a relationship with my cherished aunt who now I was treating so badly. Despite the challenges, maintaining our bond was something I knew I shouldn’t give up on.

The times I finally did call her left me feeling defeated. I was struggling with how to remedy my side of our relationship. I had to find a way in spite of my fear or anger, to honor who she is to me and not alienate her in response to how she acted. I realized I needed to make decisions about how to approach our relationship and communication moving forward. This year, when COVID-19 affected our country I realized that we were all one pandemic away from isolation and loneliness. I have found if I prepare, I can still reach out to her in a loving way. And, I can use these guidelines for the other people in my life who for reasons of illness or aging are isolated as well.

Schedule

Put your call on your calendar to coincide with a utility bill or your breast self-exam or when your lawn guy comes. Make that day a specific one so you know to anticipate it with advance preparation. If you are relying on third parties to help place a call, Facetime or Zoom, find out what time is best for them to help facilitate your call.

Investigate

When planning communication, it is important to consider the unique needs and preferences of individuals, as each person may have different times when they are most receptive. Check with their caregiver or pay attention to when they are most alert and their best selves.

Allow

Give the contact 10 minutes. 2 or 3 for technical issues. Be patient during the call, especially if there are delays or if the patient needs extra time to get comfortable. Maybe they just got up from a nap. Maybe someone’s phone is not connecting to wifi. The next 5 minutes are for the chat and the final minutes are for saying goodbye. For many, it is tiresome for some to stay on a call even that long.

Prepare

Think of 3 things you can say genuinely. Make one of those things something current. Mention what beautiful hair they have and how you always admired it. Or, if they have a dog, inquire if their dog is there with them and how devoted an animal lover they are. Another topic that can be is how they have impacted you in a positive way. Tell them that you think about the time they taught you to juggle how much fun it is now to have that ability.

To help guide your conversation and ensure you cover important points, consider preparing a form or structured list of topics or memories you want to share. This can help you organize your thoughts and make the call more meaningful.

Finally, mention that you love them, or admire them and that you are often thinking of them. Reassure them that they are in your heart and mind. Express your gratitude for their presence in your life or for past actions, as acknowledging this can be a powerful way to connect. They may not be able to speak well or at all, but hearing you say that they are relevant and important may be reaching inside them even if it doesn’t seem so.

Remember

Don’t forget to speak slowly, clearly, and with volume (not shouting), and remember the importance of talking with intention to foster understanding. Smile while you are engaging with them. A face that looks or sounds, alarmed or sad is likely not helpful to anyone. Speak without condescension and wait for them to take in what you have said.

Respect

Act with grace. Don’t remind yourself of how this person has insulted you or hurt you in the past. Perhaps the beginning of their illness left them without a filter or changed their personality in unattractive ways. Let that go. Your compassion transcends any more recent transgressions. Be mindful of your own emotions and the other person’s feelings, as this awareness can help foster deeper understanding and connection. We are all aging, so act as you wish to be treated: without condescension and with respect. Remember, caregiving involves not only physical but also psychological aspects—addressing emotional well-being is essential for both you and your loved one.

Building a Support Network

Caregiving is a journey that no one should have to navigate alone. Whether you’re caring for a parent, a child, or another loved one, building a support network is one of the most important steps you can take to assure the well-being of everyone involved. A caring connection with others—be it family, friends, or professionals—can provide the emotional support, guidance, and resources you need to manage the challenges of caregiving with confidence.

A support network is more than just a list of contacts; it’s a foundation of trust and understanding that helps you maintain a sense of control, even when life feels overwhelming. According to the National Alliance for Caregiving, a strong network can include family members, friends, and professionals who are ready to offer a listening ear, practical tips, or a helping hand. These connections can make all the difference, especially when you’re facing medical needs or concerns that require specialized knowledge or services.

Start by identifying the specific needs of your loved one—whether it’s medical care, emotional support, or help with daily tasks. Reach out to healthcare professionals, such as doctors and nurses, who can provide expert guidance and help you access the right benefits, insurance plans, and educational resources. Don’t hesitate to ask questions or request a review of available services; understanding your options is key to providing quality care.

For families with children, connecting with other parents who are on a similar journey can be incredibly helpful. Sharing experiences, advice, and resources can create a sense of community and make the challenges of caregiving feel more manageable. Consider joining a support group or contacting national organizations like the USA-based National Family Caregiver Support Program, which offer a wealth of information and a sense of belonging.

Having a plan in place—whether it’s a simple template for managing daily tasks or a more comprehensive strategy for long-term care—can provide peace of mind and help you feel empowered. This plan can include everything from scheduling conversations with loved ones to organizing medical appointments and accessing community services. By creating a clear roadmap, you can maintain your independence and assure that both you and your loved one receive the support you need.

There are many resources available in the USA to help caregivers, including the National Institute on Aging and the Administration for Community Living. These organizations offer valuable tools, education, and support to help you navigate the world of caregiving. Taking the time to review these resources and connect with others can strengthen your support network and enhance your ability to provide compassionate, effective care.

Remember, building a support network is not just about managing tasks—it’s about creating meaningful connections that enrich your life and the lives of those you care for. Whether you’re reaching out to a friend for a heartfelt conversation, consulting with a professional, or joining a community group, every connection you make is a step toward a more empowered, confident, and caring journey. You are not alone, and with the right support, you can provide the quality care your loved ones deserve.

Gratefulness

Thank your person for taking the time to speak to you. Thank their caregiver for making them accessible to you. Take a moment to appreciate yourself. Maintaining caring connections brings benefit to both you and your loved one, supporting well-being and growth. Remember, every effort to connect, no matter how small, does matter and makes a difference. By reaching out, you have created a supportive and meaningful relationship or environment. Facing aging and illness is hard but the rewards are many.

I hope this helped you if you have been struggling to communicate with someone you love. If you have any questions about building a caring connection, please post them in the comments below.