Please enjoy this wonderful article by Paula Marie Usrey. Paula founded Boomer Best U to promote positive aging and to fight age discrimination. In this article, she speaks about what we should think about before saying yes! Enjoy.
What to Ask Yourself Before Saying Yes!
Just as I was ending my teaching career, my friend ‘Laura’ asked me to facilitate a ten-week training course for a new program she was starting. Laura shared that she was having a difficult time finding the right person to lead the training and suggested I would be an ideal match for the opportunity. Because of her encouragement, I felt both flattered and needed.
I had some background in training and development, and I’d reviewed the training material; I felt like I could do a good job for Laura. At the same time, I had already spent nearly three years preparing for my new life beyond the classroom and was eager to start a new chapter.
I didn’t want to disappoint a friend—especially if she really needed my help. But I wasn’t completely comfortable committing to her project and waffled a bit on my decision. The thought of taking on this responsibility made me pause and reflect on what I truly wanted at that moment. It wasn’t until I carefully assessed why I was feeling conflicted and took the time to ask yourself before saying yes that I could finally communicate an honest and appropriate response.
Answering thoughtfully after this reflection helped ensure my response was clear and intentional.
Why We Say “Yes” When We Want to Say “No”
Julia Wood, the author of Gendered Lives (2015), wrote, “A majority of women feel they are expected to be nice, deferential, and helpful and to care about and for others.” Wood continued by pointing out that girls often grow up learning to accommodate others.
When Laura asked me to take on her project, I wanted to be helpful and accommodating. That’s the way I was raised. But in my heart of hearts, I was not comfortable taking on the project. The word ‘no’ is a powerful tool for maintaining personal boundaries, reducing stress, and ensuring that we prioritize what truly matters.
Why Assessing Personal Priorities and Purpose Is Important
When I was honest with myself and considered what was most important to me, I was able to tell my friend that while I appreciated the opportunity, I was not the right person to undertake the project—it was not consistent with my current priorities or my sense of purpose. It’s crucial to ensure that decisions align with your own idea of success, rather than simply meeting external expectations.
As it turned out, Laura ended up asking the person who created the training material to facilitate the ten-week course; this was the best outcome possible. My friend was happy, and I ended up with no regrets.
Based on my reading, research, and work with other women, it is not uncommon for many of us to go along with others’ requests and expectations when our hearts and our good sense are shouting, “No!” But sometimes the result of such deferential behavior is that we lose sight of the things that are most important to us, and we end up with some regrets. That’s why it’s important to have your own ideas about what truly matters, so you can make choices that reflect your values.
So that we can have more confidence in our choices, being mindful of whether others’ expectations are consistent with our own priorities, sense of purpose, and understanding the point of our commitments is essential. Then we must be willing to communicate in a way that is consistent with what really matters to us.
Before making decisions or commitments, it can be helpful to consider key questions to ask yourself to ensure your actions align with your priorities and values.
How to Start Clarifying Priorities and Purpose
By the time we reach our fifties, we have a lot of life experience. At the same time, many of us are more aware of the fact that we aren’t going to live forever; if we want to do something meaningful, we need to clearly identify our priorities and our sense of purpose.
For women who have spent much of their lives attending to the needs and expectations of others, figuring out what is personally important can take some time and effort. After my children were grown and I had gone through an unexpected midlife divorce, I started exploring what mattered most to me. I began by thinking about things that I valued. I also listed activities and work that had given me a sense of joy and satisfaction. In addition, I did a lot of reflective journaling, writing, and visualizing my future. After a couple of months, I had a clearer picture of what mattered most to me. Over the years, I have continued to refine my values, my priorities, and my sense of purpose.
On a daily basis, I reflect on whether the activities and routines I engage in truly align with my personal priorities and values.
Considering the Long-Term Consequences of Saying Yes
When you’re faced with a decision—whether it’s a new relationship, a job offer, or a favor for a friend—it’s easy to focus on the immediate moment. Maybe you want to help, or you’re afraid of missing out, or you simply don’t want to feel bad by saying no. But before you say yes, it’s wise to pause and consider how your answer might shape your life in the weeks, months, or even years to come.
Healthy relationships, for example, thrive when both people are on the same page about their values, goals, and boundaries. If you’re thinking about saying yes to a new commitment—like moving in with a partner, starting a project, or even marriage—ask yourself if you truly share the same expectations. Are you both interested in spending time together in the same ways? Do you agree on important topics like career goals, kids, or where you want to live? Taking a moment to talk openly about these things can save a lot of trouble down the road.
It’s also important to recognize your own needs and well-being. Sometimes, the world expects us to say yes out of obligation or fear—fear of disappointing someone, or fear of stepping outside our comfort zone. But the flip side is just as important: saying no can be a powerful act of self-care. If you’re someone who tends to overcommit, try starting small. Practice saying no to minor requests, and notice how it feels. Over time, you’ll build the courage and ability to set healthy boundaries that protect your energy and happiness.
Let’s say you’re considering a big step, like accepting a new job or agreeing to a major family commitment. Before you answer, ask yourself: Will this decision support my career goals? Will it bring a sense of peace and happiness to my life, or will it add stress and take me away from what matters most? Sometimes, saying yes can lead to wonderful new experiences and growth. Other times, it can mean sacrificing your own well-being for someone else’s comfort.
Remember, it’s okay to take your time. You don’t have to give an answer right away. Listen to your inner voice, and don’t be afraid to ask for a moment to think things through. If you feel excitement and genuine interest, that’s a good sign. But if you notice hesitation, discomfort, or a sense that you’re not being true to your values, it’s perfectly acceptable to say no.
In the end, every yes shapes the story of your life. By considering the long-term consequences—on your relationships, your career, your sense of happiness and peace—you can make choices that lead to a more fulfilling and meaningful life. Trust yourself, honor your needs, and remember: the right answer is the one that supports your well-being and aligns with your values.
Where to Find Help
Fortunately, there are now several resources available to help all of us figure out what matters most to us as we move into our fifties, sixties, seventies, and beyond. As an example, I’ve developed a free, downloadable life planning guide for women 50+ that can be useful for any woman wanting to chart her next chapter.
Psychologist and life coach, Serwaa Anokye, created a free e-book, 7 Days to a More Fulfilling Life. This workbook is packed with some practical tools. It guides individuals to reflect and find answers to their own questions and challenges. To download a copy, visit Serwaa’s website.
When planning for the future, it is important to set clear expectations for yourself to ensure your goals and boundaries are well defined.
How to Respond to Others’ Requests With Healthy Boundaries and Without Regrets
If you are uncertain about a request that involves a considerable amount of time, there is nothing wrong with asking the other person, “How soon do you need an answer?” Take a moment to evaluate whether it is the right time for you to commit, considering your current energy and priorities. Then let them know when you will respond. If the request is consistent with your values, priorities, and your sense of purpose, you are more likely to make any necessary sacrifices without regret. Remember, sacrifice often involves weighing your own needs against the needs of others, and making a conscious choice about what you are willing to give up.
If you determine that you are not the right person to respond to a request, or if the situation is too complicated to accept, then it is important to be honest. For example, I had told my friend that I appreciated the opportunity, but I wasn’t the right person to undertake the project. That’s all I needed to say. Later, because I did want to help my friend, but without derailing my own work, I provided some indirect support for her project. Sometimes, putting effort into supporting others in small ways can be meaningful without overcommitting yourself.
The familiar Shakespeare quote, “To thine own self be true,” is worth heeding. Your brain plays a crucial role in helping you weigh options and make decisions that align with your values. But first, we must discover our true selves; only then can we appropriately respond to others without regret. Hope is also essential, as it motivates us to believe that better opportunities and outcomes are possible when we make intentional choices.
If you always say yes, you may miss out on opportunities that are more aligned with your goals and well-being. In every moment of conflict or challenge, it’s important to pause and reflect on your true priorities. Choosing to spend time with loved ones can be more rewarding than overcommitting to obligations. Relationships can survive challenges when both people are willing to communicate and compromise. Good communication between partners is key to building trust and managing responsibilities. Learning how to deal with difficult situations is part of maintaining healthy connections. It’s natural to wonder about the outcomes of your decisions, but trust that what will happen is a result of your thoughtful choices. Reflect on what has happened in the past when you have said yes—did it serve you well, or did it lead to regret? Sometimes, having said yes in the past has taught valuable lessons about boundaries and self-care. When choosing a guy or any partner, look for someone whose values and lifestyle align with your own for a healthier relationship.
How to Respond to Others’ Requests Without Regrets
If you are uncertain about a request that involves a considerable about of time, there is nothing wrong with asking the other person, “How soon do you need an answer?” Then let them know when you will respond. If the request is consistent with your values, priorities, and your sense of purpose, you are more likely to make any necessary sacrifices without regret.
If you determine that you are not the right person to respond to a request, then it is important to be honest. For example, I had told my friend that I appreciated the opportunity, but I wasn’t the right person to undertake the project. That’s all I needed to say. Later, because I did want to help my friend, but without derailing my own work, I provided some indirect support for her project.
The familiar Shakespeare quote, “To thine own self be true,” is worth heeding. But first, we must discover our true selves; only then can we appropriately respond to others without regret.
Do you find it hard to be true to yourself? Or are you accommodating? Let’s discuss in the comments below.
Paula Marie Usrey founded Boomer Best U to help promote positive aging and fight age discrimination. She has also given a TEDx presentation on how to live your best life at any age. Paula recently retired as an Associate Professor of Communication from Umpqua Community College.
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